J.R.R. meets E.B.

Would have been a very different book either way. 

Spiders from Mars.

There we were, complaining about 2020, as if once we got through that stupid and miserable year everything would be better. Instead we got worse government, psychotic Russian warmongering, Canadian dictatorship (!), and now, gigantic parachuting spiders.

I get the feeling that this decade is going to suck pretty hard all the way to the end.

The spiders in question are the Joro spider, a brightly colored nightmare that comes to us from Asia, like so many bad and really weird things. According to the New York Post, from whence I borrowed the alarming photo below, "The massive Joro spider, an invasive species from Asia, has descended on southern states — particularly Georgia and South Carolina — and is now due to spread rapidly to Alabama, according to the University of Georgia’s Odum School of Ecology."

Surely such a huge bug would never survive our northern winters, right? That's for tropical places, the price they pay (along with cyclones) for gorgeous weather. But no, according to spiderologists: "The spiders were exposed to below-freezing temperatures for minutes at a time — about as long as they’d need to find a warm place to hide."

And what's this about parachuting?

"Indeed, bug-watchers have spotted the Joro using their webs as parachutes, transporting them by wind."

Uh-huh. 

I'm not a victim of arachnophobia, in that I am not panicked thinking about spiders or go into frozen terror looking at one. I know what phobias feel like, being inclined to acrophobia, and my feeling about giant spiders is not like that. However, I have a strong repulsion from giant spiders, and this one looks particularly bad. The Joro has a minor venom that isn't a real danger to humans, unless one has an allergic reaction.

I do not intend to let one of these bastards get close enough to me to find out.

Research scientist Andy Davis says, “People should try to learn to live with them. If they’re literally in your way, I can see taking a web down and moving them to the side, but they’re just going to be back next year.”

And I say: No. I say: I'm going to murder every one that I see. I say: These arachnid sons of bitches had better turn out to be a bigger bust than the murder hornets. And if not, I say: Nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. 

My web page.

Last night was misty and cool, an evening that reminded me of how much I enjoy the fall. 

But I'm not that crazy about spiders. 

Sure, some of them make beautiful webs.

Others just make a mess on the ground and call it a day.

When I was quite small I guess I had a dream with a daddy longlegs that had a body as big as a baseball. I really thought they were that big for a long time. Thank God they aren't, not even in Florida. They're bad anyway.

Creep.

My main issue about spiders is that in autumn they come into the house. I wondered about that -- it's not like we fill up with flies or something after the equinox. As it turns out, the increase in the indoor spider population is caused by the same thing that causes a lot of misery in this world -- guys looking for dames. And, as in the human world, it causes a lot of the guys to get smushed.

One October afternoon a few years ago I had a long drive on back roads in Rockland and Orange counties through the most glorious colors of foliage. It was fantastic, a true feast for the eyes. I got home in a wonderful mood. Then the most gigantic spider I ever saw in person popped up by my favorite chair. I shrieked like a toddler and smashed it so hard I might have caused structural damage to the floor.

That spider was sent by the devil to ruin my happiness.

All these thoughts reminded me of Spider-Man in Marvels, a 1994 limited comic book series by Kurt Busiek, with the incomparable art of Alex Ross. It was a brilliant re-telling of famous moments in the Marvel canon, told from the point of view of a common man. There are a lot of things I loved about the series, but this one page I have never forgotten:

"So creepy..." It had never occurred to me that people would find Spider-Man creepy. But of course they would. A mystery man who can crawl up walls like a spider is scary.

We readers know him as good ol' Spidey. The Defenders might defend you, the Avengers might avenge you, but Spidey would hang with you. Literally! But in the real world: creepy.

Same for his archnemesis, Dr. Octopus; it wasn't until Spider-Man 2 that I realized how weird and frightening he would be in real life. Octopuses are too, but at least we can eat them. In the comics, Doc Ock was menacing, but also a chubby guy with glasses. On the screen his tentacles propelled him with inhuman strength. When the common New Yorkers on the elevated train try to protect Spider-Man, he throws them all to the side like dolls.

Some people like spiders, and octopuses, and I don't want either crawling in my house. If that's the only downside to fall, though, I'll go with it.

Rating the bugs: Backyard edition.

Bumblebees
Nonaggressive and fun to watch. Good color pattern. Docked a grade because the story that they are aerodynamically incapabable of flight is not true. B

Ticks
They burrow into your skin and spread disease. They came straight from Hell's glove compartment. F

Ants
Icky, awful in the house, sometimes vicious. Still, you have to admire their industry and organization skills. C

Cabbage Flies
Since I'm not growing any cabbages, these pests don't annoy me. And their drunken, uncertain flight path makes them comical and cheerful. B

Woolly Bullies
Also called Woolly Bears; fuzzy, colorful, and cute, until you remember that in the center they're bugs. Still used for predicting the severity of the upcoming winter, but that's another myth. However, we know for a fact that it was not their own PR department spreading the myth, so I give them a pass. A

Yellow Jackets
As I've noted before, the Devil cannot create. He took the blueprint for friendly honeybees and made them into these poisonous death wasps. One day they will return to his evil domain. F

Moths
I admire their dedication to the porch lights, but dislike what they do to my wife's sweaters, and thus my wife, when they get inside. D

Mosquitoes
Are you kidding? Vicious, vampiric, disease-spreading itch machines. I want my DDT! F

Gnats
Completely useless, unless you were hankering for something small to fly into your eyes and mouth while you're working, and who wouldn't. Thank God they don't sting. D

Flies
The only use I've found for them is helping to locate the dog poop for removal. If we hadn't invented screens and air conditioning and stopped using animals for transportation (meaning crap all over the roads) they'd get an F; as it is, they're still close to failing. D

Butterflies
Who doesn't love butterflies? People who hate kittens and rainbows, that's who. A

Caterpillars
Probably shouldn't grade these separately from butterflies, moths, etc., but they serve completely different functions, those being... uh, becoming butterflies, moths, etc. Many perish before making it to flight school. But the potential is there. B

Millipedes 
Too many legs. Ick. D

Fireflies
Fireflies are probably the most beloved bug in the yard, because they light up at night, which is so freaking cool. Nothing else comes close to this kind of coolness. Other nocturnal bugs are almost uniformly annoying. Firefly FTW. A

Earthworms
Good for the lawn, but really dumb in the rain. Weeks after the last big flooding rain I still have carcasses all over the driveway. B

Termites
Little jerks tried to burrow into the planks around the garage door a couple of years ago. It was extremely difficult to replace those planks. Termites may be useful for cleaning up dead wood in nature, but I don't keep piles of dead wood around. And now that we're not allowed to soak our building materials in arsenic, they are renewing their assault on our homes. F

Crickets
Some hear their nighttime chirp as peaceful and soothing; others hear them as the party animals of the outdoors. Anyway, they stay out of my way during the day and I can't hear them at night over the stupid frogs, so they're a benign presence. B

Praying Mantises 
Bigger than most of the bugs we get in this hemisphere, and thus scary, but totally harmless to humans, and they do look devout. They eat pests, too. However, they probably spread the false rumor that it was illegal to kill a praying mantis, and the females eat the boys after mating, and sometimes just for lunch. C

Ladybugs
Cute and they eat aphids. A little creepy when I get a herd of them on the deck, but otherwise good. A

Pill Bugs
Harmless, not particularly icky, and when we were kids we liked to poke them to make them roll up. Actually, I feel a little guilty about that, which may have influenced my grade. A

Spiders
While I appreciate the fact that they want to eat up bad bugs like mosquitoes, they cannot possibly eat enough to really tamp down the population. So, they are not useful enough to justify their creepiness. And a big one tried to eat Samwise Gamgee. D

Just step on all of 'em.

Combined Class Score
C. Clearly you're all going to have to improve, bugs, or we're going to have issues. Get your act together.

Console the widow.