Things I hope you don't hear today.

"You got a letter from the IRS."

"It's an emergency company-wide meeting."

"We have to talk."

THUNK THUNK THUNK [from automobile]

"You should get that looked at."

"HOW COULD YOU FORGET?"

"Ooh, that ain't gonna be cheap."

"Well, we can probably save some of your teeth."

"You have the right to remain silent..."

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

“In my office. Now."

“I wanted to warn you, but it’s too late anyway.”

"Everybody's mad at you."

"This is NOT A TEST of the Emergency Broadcast System."

"It's the worst case of [FILL IN BLANK] I've ever seen, that's for sure."

"DUCK!"

"So... Remember last Saturday? Well, I just tested positive..."

Any Bon Jovi song.

Fred: 911.

Yesterday on the Great Lileks's site, our friend Mongo posted this gem: 

I said the lady should forget it; her husband is a goner. The wise and tasteful Judge Baylor commented, "There he is ladies and gentlemen, Fred Key: World's Greatest 911 Operator!"

And indeed there is some truth to the heavily implied sarcasm. I think I would be a horrible 911 operator. Although I have sometimes managed to be cool in times of crisis, I can also get rather flustered when everyone around me is freaking out and the next right move is not obvious. Also, as a world-class catastrophizer, I have thoughts that not only leap to the worst thing possible, but beyond that to the worst thing imaginable. These are not good traits for someone manning the emergency line. 

Here's how I expect things would go on the first day: 

"911, what's your emergency? What's that? You fell off a swing set? How old are you? I dunno, you sound about thirty. And stoned. Are you stoned?"

☎🚑🚓🚒

"And where are you, ma'am? Right, corner of Watson and Smith. Hey, that's where the new pizzeria opened up, you know it? Yeah, it's really good. The stromboli is the best I've had around here. No seriously, you should try it. Just the right amount of cheese and the sauce is to die for-- What's that? Oh, yeah, send the ambulance. Hang on."

☎🚑🚓🚒

"How bad is the break? You can see the bone? Okay, hold on while I throw up in my wastepaper basket."

☎🚑🚓🚒

"Ma'am, when the ambulance arrives please tell them I'm sorry, I was supposed to send the cops. Are the people still shooting at you?"

☎🚑🚓🚒

"Yes, sir, I understand. Are you certain that he's dead? Well, can you make sure he's dead? All right, I'll hold." <gunshot> "Hey, did you call just to wrangle me into an old joke?"

Two weeks!

I don't want to put the fear of God into any of you guys out there, but Christmas is exactly two weeks away, and if you have that someone special on your list, remember:

🎅🎄FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. 🤶⛄

It's a truism that many men suck at buying gifts for their loved ones, and it's a truism because it's very often true. My dad was completely incapable of buying someone a gift. If he thought you wanted a shed, he could come over and knock one up in a day and expect no thanks for it, but when it came to going into an actual store and trying to figure out what Mom might like, forget it. I think he would have felt more comfortable being dropped blindfolded in Shanghai and told to find his way home.

For minor events, like Mom's birthday, he might unofficially deputize the kids to take this money and go buy Mom something nice. For Christmas, Mom just bought what she wanted. She knew what she was getting when she married him. And for her part, she was an excellent shopper and gift-giver. 

Mom (l.) out in front of the pack on Black Friday

Some guys figure that if they only had some real dough they wouldn't have this problem. After all, if you walk into a jewelry store and drop enough cheddar to buy a furnace, you're probably going to come out with something your beloved will like. There is some truth to that truism, too. Even this plan, however, has its pitfalls:

🎁 She may be the type who is not into jewelry. Maybe she's concerned about the exploitation of miners, or doesn't like cold metal on her skin, or just would rather wear natural accessories like feathers or twigs. You know: Hippies.

🎁 You might have tremendously bad taste that taxes the powers of the clerk. Even if you got your wife to like football, for example, a $10,000 diamond-crusted dental grill with CLEVELAND BROWNS written on it is probably not going to get the job done.

🎁 Wake up! You don't have 10 large lying around! She might hit you for blowing the money needed for the college fund or to put toward a new car! Whaddaya, stupid?

Goodness knows there are enough gift guides out there on the Internet. Maybe one of them can lead you to the present promised land. Better act fast (especially if you want free shipping, which we know you do). 

It's always going to be dicey, though, even if you know the person really well. And if you're in love, shouldn't you? You ought to be able to answer these questions:

⭐ Is this person the type to be really impressed by how much you spent? Because if so, she will know how much it cost. Trust me on this. 

⭐ Is the person the problem type who buys anything she wants and leaves no lane of approach, having clogged it with her own purchases? This is a very frustrating type, because you can surmise what she likes but have to assume she has it. 

⭐ Is this person one to drop hints? If so, respond positively enough to encourage her but not enough to assure her. (My wife will text me something she definitely would like, but it's always a side attraction gift, not the main event.) 

Well, good luck out there, people. When all else fails, a gift certificate is not the worst idea, but it always tells the person I LOVE YOU EXACTLY THIS MANY DOLLARS AND 00 CENTS, which isn't very romantic. 

I think my mom would have appreciated that much thought, though. Although Dad did build a nice shed. 

Panic sandwich.

My wife and I react very differently to upsetting stimuli. If there's something worrisome happening, she loses sleep while I can barely stay awake. If an important decision must be made, her bowels turn to jelly while I seize up like sand mix. And if there's something really bad hitting, she can't eat, while all I can do is eat. 

Why are we like this? I have no idea. Her family is Irish straight up the potato tree, and she says that maybe when disaster struck, like an English invasion, they went into starvation mode because the English were going to burn the crops and take everything else. Me, I know I get my habits from my mom's side of the family, a real genetic mixed bag, including a lot of Jews. When the pogroms were looming, my ancestors probably ate everything in sight so they wouldn't have to carry it as they fled. 

This was on display yesterday as we received some worrisome news (more about that as it develops). My wife could barely choke down a cup o' Campbell's soup at lunch, whereas I wiped out a sandwich and sucked down tortilla chips like a tortilla-powered Humvee. 

According to the Yale School of Medicine, 

...while everyone feels stress at times, reactions to stress can be different for women and men.

     In general, women are more likely to think and talk about what is causing stress. Women also are more likely to reach out to others for support and seek to understand the sources of their stress.

     Men typically respond to stress using distraction. And men often engage in physical activities that can offer an escape from thinking about a stressful situation.

Does eating chips count as a physical activity?

I'm not actually sure the description is accurate for me and the men I know. I agree that women are more likely to talk about stress, I'm not sure they always want answers so much as to blow off steam. We're all like that. And just because a guy isn't talking about stress doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. He may be brooding from everything about maintaining ethics in a cold cosmos to the unfairness of life to the best way to punch someone in the nose and get away with it. You know, deep thoughts. 

And failing that, he might just tie one on. (So might the woman, but she's more likely to call it Girl Time.)

But I hadn't meant to make this a men-and-women-sure-are wacky blog entry; no matter whether you're male, female, or one of Baskin-Robbins' 31 genders, you undoubtedly have some unique combination of methods to deal with the inevitable stressors of life. 

Now, pardon me, as it's breakfast time, and I'm going to get a bowl of cereal big enough for Scrooge McDuck to swim around in.