Wacky li'l boxes.

Americans of a certain age will remember Wacky Packages, a line of cards and later stickers that parodied consumer products in a very MAD magazine style. In fact, they featured the work of some MAD creators like Drew Friedman. Wacky Packages were made by Topps, the premier baseball card company, and if memory serves also came with a stick of that lousy gum. Wacky Packages were one generation back from the Garbage Pail Kids, with that same gross-out humor.

I had plenty of the stickers, but never used them except on my loose-leaf binder and the like. A friend of mine plastered his bedroom door with Wacky Packages stickers (Comic Book Heroes stickers too, also made by Topps). That kind of thing didn't fly in my house. My dad wouldn't have killed me, but the disgust and disappointment radiating off him while he gently scraped the stickers off my door would have made me glow with shame for days. 

Nevertheless, I was amused to see this box of fun at the checkout at Walmart. 

Topps, through Super Impulse, has released the classic Wacky Packages as packages, tiny little 3-D replicas sold in containers like this. You get five products in a package for six bucks, which may be overpriced, but who cares? It's nostalgia! (Super Impulse, by the way, also makes a whole lot of fun stuff in small form, including the miniature Pac-Man console I got as a stocking stuffer a couple of years ago.) 

Let's see what Wacky Packages came in this set. (Thanks to the Wacky Packages fanpage and mall for historical information.) This is what's stuffed in the box:

No gum.

First, there's the paperwork --  a checklist so you can collect 'em all! It even notes which ones are rare, meaning they're holding back production to increase collectability and value on a handful. 

On to my packages! You'll note that no products have been updated; some of the actual products parodied on the checklist don't even exist anymore, like Duz detergent, Mr. Big bread, and Chun King foods. The packaging for the others has changed a lot since then. But these are still the same wacky parodies they were in the '60s, '70s, and '80s. Otherwise, what's nostalgia for? 

First, for old times' sake we have an actual sticker, a miniature replica of the Grazin' Bran from the fourth original series. 

In the packages themselves, we have 

Liptorn, one of the very first products from the 1967 trading-card era, before they were stickers.

Windaxe is fun -- "Break Glass to Remove Axe." From the 13th series. 

Saran Wrap as Sorry Wrap, 7th series. 

A takeoff of Birdseye's International Recipes from the period, specifically the Bavarian Style Beans & Spaetzle (11th series).

Hey, I got a rare one! Pupsi-Cola (original sticker: 10th series) was called Rare on the Super Impulse checklist. I'm rich! Let's see... Nah, looks like I didn't get the really rare red sparkle edition. Meh -- best offer?

It was a fun trip down memory lane, although seeing these Wacky Packages and others online reminded me that most of the humor came from the shock value of looking at brands adults valued treated like garbage. Some are more clever than others, but most are kinda dumb. Nothing wrong with a dumb joke, though. Never stopped me!

I doubt I'll be holding on to these. Except for books -- and I want to trim down that library whenever we move -- I don't collect anything on purpose anymore. Ever since I had to sell my comic books in a hurry before my parents moved (I had no room in my little apartment), the collecting bug has gone out of me. But like so many things, it was fun while it lasted. 

Rejected from the Roses.

Today is the Tournament of Roses and the Rose Parade, which has mostly been going on since 1890, barring a few interruptions like World War II and the Chinese Death Virus. Normally it's held on January 1, but not if New Year's Day falls on a Sunday; in that case it's moved to Monday -- today! And here we are.

Many fraternal, professional, and business groups organize the popular floats for the parade, which are generally festooned with flowers and must be covered with organic materials. Equestrian groups also ride, marching bands march, and some dignitaries wave from flower-bedecked automobiles. What's not known is that over the years, the parade has refused entry from a few groups for various reasons. Here are six interesting cases.

1901: The Mighty Cowmalazoo Marching Society

A combination marching band / bovine act had hoped to be featured in the parade -- a large group from Kalamazoo, Michigan, who played their instruments while riding cattle. Of especial interest was the cow-mounted pianos played by the 88 Keys Joy Squad. Officials ultimately deemed the act too messy, too disruptive, possibly dangerous, and not nice to the cows.

1939: The German American Bund

The pro-Nazi German American Bund asked to appear in the parade, sending some of its bigwigs in one of those newfangled "people's cars" that the Germans had introduced, a vehicle they called the Liebe Käfer. Parade officials said no, that only their own officials were allowed to ride in cars. Oh, and also: Nazis.

It would take almost thirty years for this type of "Love Bug" to be seen on American streets.

1955: The Potrzebie Special 

A float called the Potrzebie Special was registered with the parade by one A. E. Neuman. When asked to explain the theme of the float and who would be constructing it, a return telegram from Mr. Neuman in New York replied "please buy this magazine" and "the usual gang of idiots." When pressed about the design for the Potrzebie Special, Neuman would only say it would be "completely covered in nuts." Suspicious, officials declined to allow the Potzebie to participate.

1979: Disco Demolition Float

A group from Chicago asked to construct a float made in the likeness of popular disco records of the day, and blow it up as it completed the parade route on Paloma Street. Officials determined that the group was serious about using explosives and denied entry. The Chicago group ultimately decided to host a disco demo event in their home city later that year. 

2000: The Last Float Ever

The Y2K Last Float Ever was proposed by a group from Silicon Valley who anticipated that with the end of the world coming on 1/1/00, thanks to the Y2K bug, we all might as well go out with a bang and have the parade as the world fell into chaos. The parade officials informed them that in the event of Apocalypse, the parade would be canceled or at least postponed. 

2021: The High & the Mighty

A float completely made of pot was the theme of the High & the Mighty, sponsored by the California Marijuana Association Dudes. Officials bickered over whether a recreational drug themed float would conform to or contradict the parade's theme that year of "The Power of Hope." With the COVID outbreak, the decision was made to cancel the event anyway. By the time the parade returned in 2022, the Dudes had lost interest, deciding instead to sit on the sofa and play World of Tanks. 

Sheer MADness.

Years ago, when I was a tot working at my first job in publishing, an older editor told me about MAD Magazine's means of dealing with the election of 1960. The battle between Kennedy and Nixon was too close to call. When this gentleman, who was a kid himself in 1960, saw that MAD was the only magazine that called the election for Kennedy, he was amazed. He knew magazines didn't come out like newspapers, on a daily schedule; they went to press weeks earlier. How did they know Kennedy would win? 

What they'd done, of course, was run their cover-dated January '61 edition (on newsstands right after the election) with different front and back covers, so the newsies could display whichever side was appropriate to who won. 

Genius. 

Nixon's victory was on the front, whereas the Kennedy cover (and the issue's last twenty-one pages) were printed upside down on the back, according to the Grand Comics Database. 

That was back when MAD was able to poke fun at everything, not just conservatives, although naturally a gadfly humor outfit would have been particularly sharp in targeting the mores of the day, so it would by nature go after the squares. 

Well, nowadays no one is square, or everyone is square, or something, so all MAD could do was go after Trump like everybody else. I haven't looked at an issue in years, but I guarantee they never went after the Wokesters, the worst humorless scolds of the modern day, or else we would have heard about it. The Times would have run an article about how "problematic" MAD had become. And it might have saved the magazine by keeping it relevant. 

But no, so no surprise that it shut down last year, at least as a regular print magazine. The classroom clowns have turned into the real squares, the real bluenoses. What can you expect after a sixty-seven year run? Rolling Stone is a dull establishment piece of crap now. As humorist Anne Beatts said, “You can only be avant-garde for so long before you become garde."

Anyway, 1960 was a whole different world, and I'm hoping that in 2021 we'll be headed somewhere nicer than we are in 2020, but I don't see today's election making that happen. Time to pray for the United States, and that "that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

VitaminFred congratulates Abraham Lincoln upon his election as president. We were with you all the way, Abe!

MAD about the 1970s.

If you'd like to see a microcosm of the 1970s, not that anyone really should want to, I recommend this:

MAD magazine released this in 1978 and it is an absolutely marvelous snapshot of American culture at the time. Of course it's an excellent peek into the mind of MAD at the time, too. MAD was being aimed at young teen boys who could be counted on to fail at "Makin' Out," the title of the single, which was released with MAD Super Special #26 ("Musical Laff Hit - Danceable - Singable - Forgettable").

I won't try to add to the excellent review Gregory Reece wrote of the song and the magazine for Pop Matters in 2014, when MAD editor Al Feldstein died. I will say, as you can hear above, that the song tells tales of people failing at hookups for a number of reasons, often 70's related (astrology and tiny cars among them), while all about them it seemed others were getting their groove on. The whole theme is post-sexual revolution, pre-AIDS, and so very 70's. On the chorus the singers point out famous people and characters who are "making out," and that's where the picture of 1978 really comes to the fore.

Although heralded in rhyming triplets with no pattern, the people and creatures whom we are told are getting lucky include these categories:

REAL
Ralph Nader (whose consumer protection movement was arguably at its height in the 70's)
Jacques Cousteau (documentary series ran 1966-1982)
Oakland Raiders (NFL championship 1976; but a perennial contender during these Madden years)

TV
The Fonz (Happy Days, 1974-1984; Fonzie not yet jumped shark)
Steve Austin (The Six Million Dollar Man, 1974-1978)
a Muppet (The Muppet Show, 1976-1981)
Charlie Brown (I know, mainly a comic strip character, but a true multimedia titan; between 1971 and 1987 there were 1-3 new Peanuts specials per year on TV, annual reruns of favorites, 3 feature films, and 5 miscellaneous specials like Snoopy at the Ice Follies)
Archie Bunker (All in the Family, 1971-1979)
Mr. Spock (no movie yet, but Star Trek was in reruns everywhere)

MOVIES
Darth Vader (original Star Wars out 1977)
Superman (first Christopher Reeve film 1978; second-highest grossing film of the year)

MONSTERS
Frankenstein
Dracula
Wolfman
King Kong
(This is not just fanboy stuff; the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's enjoyed a huge revival in the 70's)

MISCELLANEOUS
Pet rock (craze dated 1975, but boy, we didn't forget about that fast)
Santa Claus
Jack Sprat

The last two, Santa and Sprat, were kind of there to fill space and provide appropriate rhymes. The rest were damn near perfect for 1978. I was trying to think of other cultural icons they might have left out, but came up dry. Maybe Cronkite? More 60's. Jaws? Could be, but the shark didn't have a name. You wouldn't just call him "Jaws." To be in the song you had to have a quickly recognizable name. Who else would YOU have put in?

And who would you put in if you were doing a song like this today? Who are 2016's icons that would be funny in a song like this? They'd have to be famous and (excepting Fonz) yet not especially known for their success at l'amour. Maybe Bernie Sanders.

Nah, too weird even for MAD.