It's May Day, kids, the day on which we celebrate that wonderful invention that's catching on with so many of you hipsters -- Communism! All the gang are getting into it. It's just the groovinest thing!
What? You haven't heard of it? Why, friend, let me tell you why Communism, especially New Improved Communism, is just the greatest thing since collectivized bread!
1) It's not Capitalism.
Boo, Capitalism! Strictly speaking, Capitalism is not an -ism, which implies a constructed idea; it's just what happens when two people want something the other has and work out a nonviolent means to satisfy them both.
Guy 1: I would like some of that food.
Guy 2: I made it myself. I would like that nice rock you have.
Guy 1: I will give it to you for half that food.
Guy 2: Okay.
How stupid is that? Someone's obviously being exploited here; either the rock is worthless and Guy 2 is a sucker or the rock is valuable and Guy 1 is being taken. There is no middle ground!
Under a Communist system, the needs of all are satisfied. Like so:
Guy 1: We need to give Bob some food here too. He is sickly. But we are out of rocks.
Guy 2: Sucks to be Bob.
Guy 1: Hoarder! (Stabs Guy 2 to death) Hey, Bob! Lunchtime!
Bob: This is great. Where did this guy get this?
Guy 1: Uh, I don't know. He said he made it.
Bob: How?
Guy 1: Uh...
See? Capitalism is a basic human interaction, and who wants to live in the stone age? Communism is completely made up, worthy for human intellect! Yet it teaches a simple lesson: When all else fails, just apply more violence. Which brings us to our second point:
2) It's anti-human.
Boy, don't humans suck? You bet they do! Well, under Communism, more of them are dispatched from the earth than by any other means. Look at these figures:
Reign of Bloody Mary (five years): 280 killed
Spanish Inquisition (356 years): 1,500 killed
Communism (~78 years): 154 people killed every hour
You don't get more efficient at bumping people off than that! But don't worry, I'm sure it was no one you know. You'd be fine. And that leads us to our last point:
3) What, me worry?
You're worried about paying the rent, buying food, getting healthcare, aren't you? Well, under New Improved Communism, you'd never have to worry again! Nature may be red in tooth and claw, but animals in the zoo get everything they need, and so can you! Just do what you're told and don't do what you're told not to do and leave the decisions to the Scientifical Smarties using things like math to make the decisions, and everything will be fine. Sure, maybe sometimes we'll run low on things, maybe there won't be enough for everyone, but we covered that in point 2.
So this May Day, leave all your troubles to the Communist leaders and celebrate this brave new workers' paradise. One way or another, all your worries will be over!
4 comments:
That's right may day. Means the commies I have to do business with wont be in the office today. Can't help them make yankee dollars.
The truthfulness of your truthy post tells the truth. Death to communism & communists!
I'm happy and proud to have fired bullets in their general direction. No "direct combat" though. It wasn't a two-way rifle range, nothing in our direction at the time, but we were told "they were out there somewhere."
The VA sent me a questionnaire once that included a question if I had ever fired a shot in anger. It was yes/no, but I wrote in: I wasn't angry, but I was sincere.
(I was a REMF but pulled perimeter guard duty. It was a nice break from paperwork.)
"using things like math?"
But math is now racist.
rbj13
Post a Comment