Saturday, May 31, 2014

Weddings and japes.

It's almost June, or as the magazines tell us, wedding season! Much like hunting season, you have to get a license. You have to buy special clothes. You get to eat afterward. And also like hunting season, even if you think you know what you're shooting for, you may have some surprises when you bring it home.

If you're a wedding guest this season, you may think it's a great chance to pull some classic practical jokes. Think again, buster! Doing something destructive and ruining someone's special day just for a stupid joke is absolutely out of bounds. Don't even consider it!

Not unless you have a really, really funny idea.

So do not take any of these ideas to heart:

  • Bribe caterer to make exploding cake.
  • Wire up mother-of-the-bride's pew; when the minister asks if anyone has any objections, send enough of a jolt down the line to make her leap up like terrified pigeon.
  • Arrange big ball to drop from above altar right as the couple says "I do" so they can be chased out of the church Indiana Jones-style.
  • You know that special rug they unroll down the aisle for the bride? Get one reinforced so it snaps back like a slappy bracelet.
  • Sneak into groom's room the night before ceremony; raise hem on rental pants legs five inches.
  • Superglue on groom underpants also an option.
  • Secretly stuff softballs down every toilet in reception hall.
  • Replace all meat in catering kitchen with Spam.
  • Dance floor? WD-40!
  • For outdoor weddings, hire a biplane to seed the clouds. Or buzz the ceremony. Or at least to trail a banner casting aspersions on the virtues of the bride.
  • Beach weddings require flash mobs of spontaneous nude bathers.
  • Hire a hooker to come in during the ceremony, slap the groom, depart. Hilarious!
  • Find out if bride is allergic to any flowers and replace bouquet with bunch of that. Can you say gesundheit?
  • Replace DJ's music files with complete collection from 31 Years of the Lawrence Welk Show.
  • Band? Stuff cheese in the instruments like Lucy Ricardo did on the way back from Europe.
  • Secretly change the names on all the hotel reservations.
  • Call minster to reschedule wedding; get boozy bum off street dressed as minster; break into chapel before wedding; pay phony minister to perform ceremony. Tell couple 10 years later they get a do-over.

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