He's a goofy-feet grommet.

 

Baby feets!

We were very happy the other day to meet our friends at the dog park. Our dogs were also happy to see their dog, who has been close with Tralfaz for years, was a great friend to the late Nipper, and now is like an auntie to baby dog Izzy. 

And speaking of babies, it was our first chance to meet their new human baby!

The baby, of course, was the pinnacle of cuteness, riding on her mom in a front carrier. When last we'd seen this baby, she was still doin' time on the inside. Now she's a free baby, and all is well. 

I'm not sure that the baby was happy to see us, though. The problem was, the mom is not especially tall, but our dogs are large, and they both are able to reach the baby's feet dangling down out of the carrier. And as we all know, baby feets are indescribably delicious. 

I'm happy to report there was no biting or nibbling, but there were a number of licks on the bottom of baby's socks, and I don't think she cared for the experience. Did it tickle? Did she even notice it? Was she just feeling fussy for no reason relating to the feets? What babies are feeling is often mysterious, at least until they erupt in one fashion or other. 

Anyway, I think we can agree that of all the things in the animal kingdom, mammal babies got the best feets. Bug feets, not so cute. Some bird feets are quite excellent, especially those of the world-renowned blue-footed booby, but on the whole, mammals are tops. 

Maybe that's part of the serpent's curse from Eden in Genesis 3:15 -- 

I will put enmity between you and the woman,

and between your offspring and hers;

They will strike at your head,

while you strike at their heel

And you got no cute feets!

Protestland!

Hey, folks! Summer’s coming, and soon your little darling will be back from college, ready to confront everybody about whatever social justice issue the kids have been on about in the last five months. Why not give them what they want this summer? Send your snowflake to PROTESTLAND!

Yes, PROTESTLAND, the Protestiest Place on Earth™! All the kids have sads that they were not able to be gassed and firehosed over real civil rights issues in the past. But at PROTESTLAND they can enjoy all the fun of protesting things without any actual risk to their comfortable lifestyles and inflated self-regard! Help them fight the white cis-normative patriarchy in a 100% safe space. Your little adult tots can enjoy themselves while you catch up on their laundry.

Here are just some of the attractions PROTESTLAND has to offer:

👊Wailing Wall: A safe place for kids to scream their little hearts out about everything bad in this bad bad world!

👊Nonthreatening Attack Dog Petting Zoo: Don’t want your child to face real attack dogs, right? With our well-trained attack puppies, they can enjoy the thrill of being hounded for their principles without actual hounds. Protestland Police Pups: Killing… with cuteness!

👊Sugar-Glass Storefront Smash: Breaking storefronts while running amok is dangerous! That broken glass can give you a terrible cut. But our storefronts have completely cut-free sugar glass, so your little revolutionary can crash the party without a bit of harm. Talk about your social justice -- you can even eat detritus! (Note: Objects looted in the raid are added to the price of your child's stay.)

👊Firehose Water Slide: 300 PSI… of fun!

👊Whack-a-Nazi: Who deserves whacking? Nazis! Who’s a Nazi? Whomever we say is a Nazi! The popular Whack-a-Nazi game lets Protestland Pals release some violence on pop-up dummies in brown shirts, white sheets, black shorts, MAGA hats, all kinds of things. But they have to be quick—those Nazis are slick!

👊College Admin Dunk Tank: Prepare them for the return to school with the Dunk Tank, just one of many activities designed to help them keep those college administrators in line. Hey, you can’t have a cultural revolution without breaking some eggs. Also featured: Harass a Dean, Bump a Bursar, and Adjunct Professor Piñata. 

👊Occupy Everything!: While staying at Protestland, guests enjoy wonderful accommodations reminiscent of the storied 2011 Occupy movement, only with working bathrooms and no rape. (Guards standing by discretely.)

👊Bonfire of Inanities: Every evening the kids gather 'round the ol’ fire pit and burn books, art, movies, flags, effigies, and other things that oppress them. Smoke filters above the pit prevent pollution or secondhand smoke.

💣🔥💪😊

Remember, folks, PROTESTLAND is the only amusement park guaranteed not to harm your child in any way, even by the simple exposure to the fact that decent people may have different beliefs. Best of all, you won’t have to deal with them for a couple more weeks!

PROTESTLAND’S A HARMLESS RIOT

WHILE YOU ENJOY THE PEACE AND QUIET

Lot of problems.

The other day I had a lovely time in the bank. No, I did. I was depositing money, which always puts me in a good frame of mind, and the teller was pleasant, funny, and professional. A pleasure. 

Then I almost killed a guy in the parking lot. 

I maintain it was mostly his fault. I looked around left, right, back, mirrors, and started to back out, and suddenly he was behind me, honking. The only way he would have appeared there so quickly was to have raced into the lot. Of course he was furious, because there was no way he would have known he was in my blind spot, and he was too much of an a-hole to comprehend that he was speeding in a parking lot. So I just went on my way, my good mood spoiled. 

I may have allowed a finger to slip loose toward his red, stupid face as I carefully motored away. 

Why do such bad things happen in parking lots? Suburbia is supposed to be known for its pleasant parking, unlike the city, where people shoot each other recreationally over a good spot on the street. Good parking is like our defining feature. And yet people can't seem to do it right. A guy will park too close to one of the lines and throw off the whole row. And for the whole day, because the guys who park by him have to park wrong, and the ones next to them, and even when they leave the others are still there, and so on. 

They leave their goats in the handicapped spot, too.

Leaving aside active idiocy, we know that part of the problem is that parking lots require 360 vision from our 180 field of view. No matter how quickly you look around, something may be coming up in various blind spots, or in areas that you just checked, more quickly than you can deal with it. Despite that you have to take a breath and go. I mean, you have to pull out sometime. Every act of backing out of a spot is a leap of faith.

I applaud backup camera development on cars as a useful thing, but I can't help but wonder if they have their own disadvantage in a false sense of security. It's an additional safety measure that could make us lazier about checking to the rear, thinking that all the blind spots are covered. Kind of like the theory that modern NFL helmets are causing head injuries by making players feel more protected than they are. And in fact, despite the new mandated cameras coming along in 2018 models, cameras are still considered an assistive technology and not a replacement for the old over-the-shoulder checks.

Satchel Paige once famously said "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you." Unfortunately, in the parking lot we have no choice.

Six Flags over cleanliness!

We got snow yesterday, and a pal from Texas was jealous. Well, I can understand that. I'd rather be cold some of the time than hot all of the time.

But there are advantages to southern living. For example, in the south, the amusement parks never close. Six Flags Over Texas is doing its Holiday Sale right now. Six Flags Great Adventure (a.k.a. Six Flags Over Jersey) is saying "See you in April 2015!"

Great Adventure tries to keep the action going by doing Halloween stuff until November 2, but that's it. Too cold. Only outlet malls can keep people walking around in the cold weather for any length of time, and that's only because they don't have to stand on lines to get in the stores.

So no rides at all. About the closest thing we get to an amusement park ride from November to April is the Wet & Wild House of Soap:

Scary!

THRILL! to the big blanket strip things that rub over your car! SHRIEK! as the water sprays and you wonder if you closed the windows all the way! CRY FOR MOMMY! as the big brushes go wubba wubba wubba! CURSE! as you realize you don't have any singles to tip the towel guys!

It's pretty lame for a ride, but it's still hugely popular. Road salt eats cars. So the House of Soap gets mobs all winter long. No funnel cakes, though.

Secrets of Septuagesimo Uno...revealed!

In May I passed by the smallest park in Manhattan, a "pocket park" called Septuagesimo Uno---Latin for 71, as the park is located within a block on West 71st Street. At the time of my passing it was locked up with a chain to keep it from being stolen. No, silly, it was locked up to keep out the overnight vagrants and wilding packs of teens. Well, maybe a wilding teen; it is very small.

The other morning it was open, and I slipped in with my trusty secret phone camera. Behold: Secrets of Septuagesimo Uno...revealed!

The winding path...

...hits the wall about half a block in.

Nice plants. Good thing the fence is there.

The view from the back.

Well, starting to get claustrophobic. Time to go.

Actually, I quite like the little park, although it really would feel crowded if more than two people were in it. Little treats like this delight children, jaded city dwellers, and people like me. The squirrels just make fun, though. Squirrels are jerks.