Electric heels.

One of the things I miss least about working in an office is getting to the office and getting home from same. Since most of my career was spent commuting via public transportation and shoe leather, the winter was the worst. Heavy coat, heavy boots, sloppy streets, grumpy New Yorkers. A regular winter wonderland. 

In those days I would keep a cheap pair of loafers in my desk -- one of those Payless pairs or the like that seemed to be made of compressed Hefty bags. That way I wouldn't be clomping around the place all day in my boots. The downside was that the plastic shoes, combined with winter air so lacking in humidity that it actually sucked water out of our skin, plus industrial carpeting, made the static electricity awful. I would carry a quarter in my pocket to tap against door handles to avoid getting shocked. The sparks between quarter and handle were often quite visible. I'd think, Isn't this how the Electric Eel on Underdog got his powers?

Believe me when I say how happy I was to not have a job that required working outdoors on such days. The reward of working outside on lovely days instead of being stuck in an office did not make up for having to labor in the freezing cold and rain and snow on tough days. But still, the static electricity was annoying. I think you could have stuck balloons on the wall without even rubbing them on your hair. Just carry one around for a while. 

Of course, my imagination and lack of scientific rigor expected more spectacular effects -- people's hair on end like they were hugging Van de Graaff generators; laptops shorting out at desks in a shower of sparks; the network being brought down by massive power surges; the combination of shocks and polyester clothes and negative humidity causing spontaneous human combustion. Fortunately real-world science is a little more forgiving than that. 

Winter still has lots of perils, so be careful out there, especially if you live in a land of ice and snow as I do. And if you work in an office, be careful in there. I'm not saying spontaneous human combustion is an actual danger, but the odds may be a titch north of zero. 

Coconut and Peanuts.

Back in the early days of Peanuts, Charlie Brown et al could often be found enjoying a sack full of mixed candy. Chocolate creams were the fave... but coconut was the antithesis of all things enjoyable.

I too for many years found coconut to be the enemy of good candy. I could endure it to get to the chocolate in an Almond Joy or Mounds or some such, but it required a manly, rugged endurance.

However, I find that I've come to like coconut sometimes. So much so that when I spotted this unusual treat up here at the Tractor Supply Company ("Making Southern Things Acceptable to Northerners Since 1938"), I knew I had my next episode of Things I Should Not Eat.

Yes, it's the poorly photographed, Neapolitan ice cream inspired Supreme Coconut Bar!

The Supreme Coconut Bar is the gift to the world from Macon, Georgia's Crown Candy Corporation, chosen just days ago as a Georgia "Face of Manufacturing." Crown claims to be one of the largest manufacturers of coconut candy worldwide.

How was it? Well, pace Charlie Brown and Snoopy, it was good. The flavors were not strong, but nor were they phony and weird, despite the use of artificial flavors and colors. The coconut was mild, well prepared, and smooth. I would indeed buy this candy again.

So there you have it: Coconut candy is okay! Anything with enough sugar in it has a chance in my book, anyhow.

Benefits of freezing to death.

Well, I finally found something to do with all the #&$^*#& snow we're getting.

Yep, it's the world's chilliest, most ubiquitous cup holder. And it's free! Approximately 10,000 per lawn.

I'm beginning to make peace with this freaking winter, even though as I write more of the white crap is falling. The reason is that I've come to believe that living in northern climes makes you tougher and more resourceful. I remember a history teacher who told our class that it was no coincidence that all the great cities of the world were clustered within about ten degrees of latitude: New York (40°40′N), Rome (41°54′N), Paris (48°51′N), London (51°30′N), Munich (48°08′N), Peking* (39°55′N), Jersey City (40°43′N)... Something about being cold half the year and hot the other half was like tempering steel. I think his theory extended to why the North won the Civil War.

I was thinking about that the other day, and about bull. What do I mean? I wonder sometimes. No, what I mean is this: In Mexico, when there's a crazed bull in an arena, they send out a highly athletic man in a uniform that provides ease of motion, armed with lances or a sword. We just let the clowns handle it.

You can say that warmer areas have more disease, hurricanes, vicious insects and animals, dangerous swamps and jungles, etc. etc., and that's all true. But winter will kill you just standing there.

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*It was Peking back then, in the Mesolithic Era. Why they changed it, I can't say. People just liked it better that way.

Nor'east ugh.

Not much to write today; had plans for wondrous entries of celestial delights, but the nor'easter held me up and ate all my time not allotted to work. Started up in the Hudson Valley, where Suburbia was hit by invisible ice. It was fun to watch the dog go sliding down the driveway, but that was where the fun ended; there was a serious pileup just outside of town.

We are getting absolutely hammered so far this winter, which sucks because it's fall. Winter doesn't start for weeks and we've had blizzards, black ice, freezing rain, and now flooding. No, it's not typhoons or cyclones or hurricanes or other cool-sounding storms, but it's all been quite messy.

Which leads me to a theme I'll probably be revisiting a lot as we go forward: Which Miser Brother is worse? Everyone knows Heat Miser is a bigger jerk, and his volcanic home looks like Hell's outlet store, but is he really worse than Snow Miser? Or does Snow Miser cause more misery? Either way, you can't spell misery without Miser.

I'll be happy to hear your thoughts, via comments or e-mail. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm going to go wring out my laptop now. Be safe out there!

Six Flags over cleanliness!

We got snow yesterday, and a pal from Texas was jealous. Well, I can understand that. I'd rather be cold some of the time than hot all of the time.

But there are advantages to southern living. For example, in the south, the amusement parks never close. Six Flags Over Texas is doing its Holiday Sale right now. Six Flags Great Adventure (a.k.a. Six Flags Over Jersey) is saying "See you in April 2015!"

Great Adventure tries to keep the action going by doing Halloween stuff until November 2, but that's it. Too cold. Only outlet malls can keep people walking around in the cold weather for any length of time, and that's only because they don't have to stand on lines to get in the stores.

So no rides at all. About the closest thing we get to an amusement park ride from November to April is the Wet & Wild House of Soap:

Scary!

THRILL! to the big blanket strip things that rub over your car! SHRIEK! as the water sprays and you wonder if you closed the windows all the way! CRY FOR MOMMY! as the big brushes go wubba wubba wubba! CURSE! as you realize you don't have any singles to tip the towel guys!

It's pretty lame for a ride, but it's still hugely popular. Road salt eats cars. So the House of Soap gets mobs all winter long. No funnel cakes, though.