See something, say something.

When I was a tiny tot of three or four years, Mater gave me an object that quickly became precious to me, and in fact would dictate my calling in life. 

"Reginald," she said, "this is known as a See 'N Say. Take good care of it, my boy, and it shall take care of you."

Indeed, Mater was correct, as always. From the first moment I spun the dial and pulled the string on my new treasure, I knew I had found my calling in life. To see. And to say.

By the time I was a precocious lad of six, I had already embarked on my hero's journey. "Doctor," I recall saying to the family doctor on one visit, "that is a blood pressure machine."

"Why, yes it is," he replied. 

"It says 'pst pst pst psssssst.'"

"I believe so."

"And that is a digital thermometer. It says, 'Beep.'"

"It does that, yes."

"And that is a nurse. She says, 'If Dr. Son of a Bitch doesn't divorce his old lady like he said, I'm going over there and telling her everything!'"

"Erm... How much you want to keep that on the QT, kid?"

So you see, at a tender age my gift was paying dividends. In this case, five hundred dollars and a lollypop.

Later I had established my own business, C-Say Inc. On a typical day I might be asked to consult for, perhaps, a building foreman.

Moi: That's a construction worker.

Foreman: Yeah.

Moi: The construction worker says "#*$^!&#^@+)&!!!!"

Foreman: Okay.

Moi: And "Look out bel--"

CRASH

Too bad about that one; Foreman Pete was a friendly chap.

Ah, my brilliant career. A recent job involved an interesting character. I was asked to have a look at this fellow named Epstein and report on what he said. I did the first part of the assignment, but there was some acute unpleasantness, and to make a long story short, he died. In fact, the agent who hired me was reassigned to investigating parents at PTA meetings, so I was left without a contract. 

But one cannot merely see and not say when one is as dedicated as I. So I have decided to use this forum to say the many things I overheard from Mr. Epstein. They were most enlightening. First, he said that among the most enthusiastic guests he brought to his private Caribbean abode, he would have to number Mr. --

Excuse me, that's the doorbell. I shall be right back.