Elf-help books.

Every now and then I'm asked to proof or copyedit a self-help book. Usually these are written by someone who has achieved notable success and, through the goodness of his or her heart, wants to pass on the life lessons learned to others. And they usually bring forth a great deal of interest from me. They inspire me so much I want to hang myself. And I find myself hoping the author will be run over by a garbage truck. 

Unfortunately there's never a garbage truck around when you need one. 

I especially love it when the book is written by someone younger than I am. Hi, Mr. Successful Kid! I am cleaning up your poorly written book for a pittance! You're welcome! 

Here's a fictional but seasonal example of what makes me crazy, excerpted from the book Elf Improvement: How to Achieve the Success You Deserve in Ten Jolly Steps, by Jingle Merryman.

The Author

I didn't have it easy as a child elf. I grew up in a hardscrabble home with only a piece of coal as my best friend. But through hard work, vision, and my blood relation to Santa Claus, I managed to achieve my dreams. 

I'm not saying that all you need is ambition, drive, and connections to get ahead. Good looks helps too. And if you aren't a success by the time you're thirty, you need to take a hard gaze in the mirror and say these inspirational words: "I am a shiftless, no-good, lazy bum, and I deserve everything bad that happens to me."

I'll never forget that day by the hot spring when Mr. Chuckles took me aside and said, "I want to say one word to you, Jingle. Just one word." "Yes sir?" I said. "Are you listening?" "Yes I am." "Peppermint."

I've heard people say that graduating from the right college is the only thing that matters, and it surely helps. My years at Innovation Geopolitical Learning University, good ol' IGL-U, are some of my fondest, and I met so many great people there, even some who didn't come from money. And yet there are many people who have had brilliant careers at the North Pole who never went to university at all! At least, I've been told that. 

Clothes are useful to success, and I recommend as sharp a wardrobe as your budget allows. Just remember, fat guys always look like slobs, so don't even bother if you're a fat guy. Well, except for Santa, but he's a special case. And a close personal friend as well as a beloved relative.

Whatever happens in your career, you must remember never to hang around with lowlifes. Sure, they seem like fun, but you know what they say -- lay down with the reindeer, wake up with the fleas. 

Not everyone is born with a nose for opportunity. You have to have an eye for the main chance. An eye and a nose, then. Oddly enough, the elf who got me in on the ground floor of Gingerbread Real Estate Development was named Chance Maine. We made an absolute killing.

I remember once when President Clinton called me to the White House on an urgent mission. As soon as I got out of the limo he ran out of the building to meet me. "Jingle, thank God you're here," he said, patting his brow with a monogrammed hankie (W.J.C.). "'Sup, dawg?" I said. "Jingle, you're a genius at giving gifts," he said. "Ah, diplomatic issue?" I said. "Kinda," he said, "Need something for a young intern but I'm stumped." "Billy," I said, "I recommend a copy of Whitman's Leaves of Grass." "Is that the dude from the Whitman's Sampler?" asked Clinton -- always the food with that guy. "No, the poet," I said. "Jingle, you may have saved the day," he said. "I always am available to help with diplomatic relations," I told him. "Carnal, too," he muttered. And the rest is history.

Humility is crucial. I got the best money could buy. 

It's crucial to give back to your community when you make it to the top. That's why I founded the Elf Help and Elf Care Course to help underclass elves educate themselves and stop being layabouts with nonpointy shoes. For just $150 a month they get my personalized recordings and books that will motivate them to get their elfie asses moving. Just my way of saying, "We're all in this together."