Rating Jacob's kids.

We're getting biblical here, folks! By that I mean we are looking some personages of the Bible and rating them by what could possibly be the dumbest criteria available -- their names.

Specifically I'm focused on the twelve sons of patriarch Jacob, who has name issues too, as he was also called Israel. What's up with that? Run out on the landlord and change your name? Har har. Okay, that's even too dumb for this blog entry.

Here are the boys, in their birth order. Now, remember, we're not ranking them based on who they were or what they did, although that may get a mention; this is all about how cool or dumb their names are to our modern ears.

1. Reuben
2. Simeon
3. Levi
4. Judah
5. Dan
6. Naphtali
7. Gad
8. Asher
9. Issachar
10. Zebulun
11. Joseph
12. Benjamin

Now, the examination:

Reuben: Eldest son of Jacob and Leah. Made one crucial error: forced himself on his dad's concubine. That cost him Dad's blessing, as it will. But then again, when the brothers planned to kill Dad's fave, Joseph, Reuben tried to save him. As for the name, many Americans may associate Reuben with the manager of the Partridge Family. Not as old-fashioned as other Genesis names, but not popular either. Great sandwich, though, even if the origin of it is disputed. Ranking: So-so.

Simeon: Also called Shimon, but we're only looking at the Simeon version. And I think we can all agree that through no fault of Simeon's or any one else named Simeon, it sounds like the adjective for apes and monkeys (simian), which is inviting playground horror, especially on the monkey bars. Also, Simeon was a vengeful boy, along with brother Levi, but we'll get to that. Ranking: Poor.

Levi: Best known now as the name of Mr. Blue Jeans himself, Levi Strauss. Interestingly, Levi Strauss's name at birth in Germany was Loeb; he thought it didn't sound American enough when he emigrated to the states, so he changed it to Levi. And yet Levi sounds olde-tyme and foreign now. I think there used to be a lot more Levis in America. The original Levi and his brother Simeon pulled a fast one that got them in Dutch with Dad: When their sister was raped, and the villain's father wanted to make things "right" in the Old Testament way by arranging their marriage, Levi and Simeon insisted that it could be so if their whole town agreed to be circumcised. Owie! "While the men of the city are incapacitated by the pain of the surgical procedure they have just endured," says My Jewish Learning, "Shimon and Levi swoop down and massacre one and all. Jacob has been deceived into complicity with the diabolical and immoral behavior of his hotheaded sons. He has been duped into inclusion in a council of lawlessness bent on the angry slaying of men." Doesn't have much to do with the ranking of the name, but maybe it's why Levi isn't more popular. And I'm glad I don't live in Old Testament times. Ranking: Below average.

Judah: Nothing wrong with Judah, but since a portion of the nation of Israel became known as Judah in 930 BC and was referred to that way in the New Testament, it tends to be thought of as a name properly used by Jewish people rather than goyim, which limits its popularity. Place names can be that way. The names Jude and Judd likely come from Judah, but we're not concerned with derivations today. Ranking: Just okay.

Dan: Hey, that's a fine name. Usually a nickname for Daniel, but if you named your boy just Dan, most people would never know he wasn't Daniel. But you would know. Ranking: Goodish.

Naphtali: I think you'd have to be pretty hard-core to name your son Naphtali, either hard-core biblical or hard-core pretentious. The name means "My Struggle," which might appeal if his mother was in labor for three days with him, but so does Mein Kampf. Plus, it sounds way too much like Natalie. Ranking: Rock bottom.

Gad: Gad, on the other hand, means "Fortune" or "Luck," which is good. But it sounds like W.C. Fields taking the Lord's name in vain. Also, the name may have come from a pagan goddess, which makes it stranger. And it is a verb meaning to move around restlessly and pointlessly, which makes it a poor name for a man with a serious career, like mortician or septic tank engineer. Just seems a little silly. Ranking: Meh.

Asher: I'm not crazy about Asher, but I feel like it has more modern acceptance than most of the others. I've heard of boys named Archer and Fisher, and those seem like career-defining names, or hobby-defining games anyway. How does one ash? Well, that's not what the name is about. It means "Happy," which is nice. Ranking: Above average.

Issachar: Got to tell you, I like Issachar. As names go, it may be my favorite of the twelve. Dramatic. Manly. It lends itself to Izzy, which is a better nickname than most. But while it can sound cool and interesting, it can also sound fusty and weird. Maybe it depends on the kid. Still, I'm in Issachar's corner, although I am sure I would never be allowed to name a son of mine Issachar Key. Ranking: Good.

Zebulun: And this is my second-favorite name. Jacob clumped the best near the end. To anyone not versed in the Bible, this could seem like the name of a planet from Star Trek. "Stardate: 8137. Tuesday. We arrived at the planet Zebulun V to retrieve the Federation ambassador. Then it all went to hell." Zebulun means "Dwelling," which sounds kind of homebodyish, and its obvious nickname, Zeb, calls to mind a wacky old toothless farmhand. Then again, so did names like Zack and Zeke not long ago, and they've had a renaissance. Ranking: Needs improvement.

Joseph: Now we come to Mighty Joe Young, the hero of the closing chapters of Genesis, the interpreter of dreams and Pharaoh's BFF. Of all the sons' names, Joseph is the most normal and even boring to modern ears. Joe Six-pack, Good ol' Joe, Joe Bloe, Average Joe. But was this the case before the twentieth century? There's never been a Joseph I, King of England; the Roman church has never had a Pope Joseph; we've never had a president named Joseph (not yet, anyway!). It's still a grand name, the name of my Confirmation saint, but maybe a little too common even now. Ranking: Way up there.

Benjamin: Benny's original name was Benoni, "Son of My Pain," from his mother's agony at giving birth to him, the act that killed her. Naturally, Jacob preferred something less horrible, especially since he was fond of Benjamin's mother, so he changed it. Ben was the only full-blood brother of Joseph, for what that's worth. Anyway, yes, great name. Ben Franklin made it an American classic. It works in multiple ways, too: Ben is great for a serious leader, Benny for a wily jokester, Benjy for a cute kid brother, Benjamin for a stuffed shirt, Jamin for ... Ska improv? French ham? Ranking: Top drawer.

All right! Let's put the names in the processor and see what we got:

1. Zebulun
2. Issachar
3. Joseph
4. Benjamin
5. Asher
6. Reuben
7. Dan
8. Levi
9. Gad
10. Judah
11. Simeon
12. Naphtali

There you go! Now if anyone asks you which name was the fifth-best among Jacob's sons, you will know. Be here next time when we sort out everybody in Judges 2!