Electric booga-loo.

So the national toilet paper emergency continues, and I'd like to thank Will Oremus for providing a little light on the subject. Writing in Medium, he charges that the shortages in stores are not caused so much by panic buying at this point but by the fact that many more behinds are being cleansed at home, rather than at the office or school or other commercial places:

People actually do need to buy significantly more toilet paper during the pandemic — not because they’re making more trips to the bathroom, but because they’re making more of them at home. With some 75% of the U.S. population under stay-at-home orders, Americans are no longer using the restrooms at their workplace, in schools, at restaurants, at hotels, or in airports.
      Georgia-Pacific, a leading toilet paper manufacturer based in Atlanta, estimates that the average household will use 40% more toilet paper than usual if all of its members are staying home around the clock. That’s a huge leap in demand for a product whose supply chain is predicated on the assumption that demand is essentially constant. It’s one that won’t fully subside even when people stop hoarding or panic-buying.

It's a good piece of reporting, one of the few unbiased, non-panicky pieces getting traction out there. It also makes me feel better about my fellow Americans, and not think of them as wreckers and hoarders, betraying the revolution of 1776.

But what it doesn't do is solve the problem of what to do when we find ourselves stranded on the toilet bowl without another Quilted Northern in sight. I mentioned this to a friend, who enthusiastically recommended the SmartBidet 1000!

Look at this thing! Toilet seat! Wireless remote control! Elongated or round! Tushie or feminine use! Easy installation! Heated seat! Heated water! Heated dryer! Skin sensor (whatever that is)! And soft-closing hinges so you don't wind up calling for Dr. Bagga! This thing is wired for everything but sound!

And if you want that, maybe the luxurious SmartBidet 3000 has that! No, but it has a deodorizer, a child wash (?), LED backlit nightlights (I wish they were disco lights), and a stainless steel nozzle with replaceable cap. If you want sound, you'll have to spring for a Sound Princess.

The 1000 costs $300 and the 3000 costs $650, but they have other models, too. Amazon has these hot seats and they seem to be selling like hotcakes.

And yet, I pooh-poohed the idea. I don't wish to cast aspersions on the engineers at SmartBidet or other similar outfits, but as I told my friend, "Toilet plus electricity equals the worst obituary ever." For example:

HERMAN GROSSCHUSTER

Herman Grosschuster, 85, passed away suddenly at home on April 6. While engaged in common bathroom use, he was accidentally electrocuted by his toilet.
      "We are so sad that Herman has left us," said Bob Finkle, chairman of the Plumberg chapter of the Abnormally Loyal Order of Wombats, to which Grosschuster belonged for many years. "We loved him for his intestinal fortitude. He was a retired baker by trade, and they always said no one could pinch a loaf like Herman. He was a familiar sight at the lodge bar, exuding wisdom from his stool. At least we know he died doing what he loved."
      Grosschuster is survived by his sons, Sherman and Hermann with Two N's, and a parakeet named Mr. Peepy.

Electric toilet plus me would probably equal something like that.