Kindergarten for oldsters.

Having back pain certainly does not make me feel young, but you know what does? Going for physical therapy.

I have just completed the second week of my War on Sciatica, and I want to assure the public that the fighting is going well, but no progress has been made at all.

I had an assessment and was given exercises to do at home daily, which I have done dutifully each day. (The way I feel when I wake up, if they'd told me I had to eat a pound of kale every day, I'd have done that, too. I'm a desperate man.) So now it's twice-weekly PT appointments, not covered by insurance until I meet the enormous deductible -- thanks, Obama! The ladies at the desk of the PT center can't believe how much I'm paying out of pocket. I'm not even joking about that; they're shocked, and it's their own place.

There is one advantage, though. PT makes me feel young. Why? Because I'm the youngest patient I've seen.

As my title today suggests, PT feels like kindergarten for old-timers. You have a big room with project equipment; there are nappy beds and pillows (although no one really naps); there are toys to play with, like pull-straps and bars to climb and balls in various sizes, and nice women who shuffle you through your tasks.

Take two and call me in the morning.

Everyone gets little jobs to do, and it's all very upbeat and cheerful. And bless the therapists for that; it can't be easy to deal with people recovering from injury or coping with chronic pain.

And that's me, or so it looks to this point. They ask me how I'm doing, and my answer pretty much depends on how hard I've been abusing the OTC painkillers. So far my biggest help has been to wake up at three to use the can, and while I'm in there eat a couple of Advil. Then, when I get up at six, it's still in effect, and the pain is manageable.

I think that my insurance company approved me for 54 PT sessions. Of course they would! Why would they care? It's not costing them anything! They're probably using our premiums to pay for gender-reassignment surgery for six-year-olds! Go ahead, Fred, go as much as you want! Yeah, thanks, Generosity Insurance!

Well, we'll see what happens. I've known people who dropped out of physical therapy, usually because they had a lot of pain during the appointments, or because they didn't see any improvement and became discouraged. I can't afford to drop out. The dogs have to pee at six a.m. They're counting on me. And I can barely walk at that hour. Unless I had to pee at three a.m.