Concussions installed and serviced.

I was quite disappointed by a news item I received yesterday from medical information site Medscape. Here's the headline:

FDA Takes Action on Bogus Claims for DIY Concussion Devices

It's not because I want a concussion; goodness, you all know I had one in February. Yes, I am a survivor. But no, I was concerned because I couldn't imagine how the FDA was going to take action on all those DIY concussion devices. Well, look, here's one now, just hanging around unregulated!

Bonk.

You can imagine how embarrassed I was to find out that the problem is not unregulated devices that cause concussions but rather unregulated devices that supposedly fix concussions. Mea maxima stupida!

The report says, "In a safety communication issued today, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) warned that unapproved medical devices and tools that claim to help assess, diagnose, or manage concussion are being marketed to the public." 

Approved devices include things with names like EyeBOX, Ahead 300, and BrainScope One. Well, if the real medically-approved items can have names like that, I wondered, how bad are the names of phony devices? Unfortunately, the FDA does not go on to list them. 

I think we have enough imagination at VitaminFred to envision what they might be...

The Chewmanka: Covers head to protect noggin
from all stimuli while healing; bell rings when too
much movement is detected

The Crunchomatic: Tightening band causes
skull to realign, fixing acute nogginitis

The Blastolopha: Insert head; sound waves reset
brain patterns, cure concussion

The Perwheewheel: Insert into ear, turn handle; if concussion
is detected, handle will get stuck

The Buzzinga VII: Detects out-of-order areas of brain due to
trauma; uses light beams to refocus

The Zipzeddoo Zing: Electronic impulses detect sections
of concussion in head, correct same with electrical arc 

Of course, if you really want a concussion installed, trust the professionals. I recommend Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, and Dr. Howard. For duty and humanity!

[NB: None of these items are, of course, the ones that the FDA is after; these are just pictures grabbed at random off the Internet. All appear to be olde-tyme medical devices except for the air-raid siren.]