Start training!

That's right, folks, it's time! I know Thanksgiving is ten days away, and you're saying, "Ten days! How can I ever get in shape by then?" Relax! Your old uncle Fred has done the research; you just have to do all the work.

Get ready.

Let's see how some of the pros do it.

For example, take Joey Chestnut, world-record champ, who ate 74 hot dogs (with buns!) in 10 minutes last Fourth of July. He begins his training two months in advance of the contest. It's so brutal that after his first practice he doesn't hold his second until a week and a half later. As quoted by ESPN: "It takes about two months to really know where I'm at, where I'm peaking, and my body's pretty much a hot dog-digesting machine."

But it's too late for that! You don't have two months to prepare!

Ah, that's all right -- cool your cranberries, pilgrim. Unless you have to eat your whole Thanksgiving dinner in 10 minutes, you don't need to achieve Chestnut levels of food inhalation. Of course, if your family is planning to go out for the Black Friday Doorbusters on Thanksgiving night, you may indeed only have 10 minutes. Next year start training in September.

Perhaps the distaff side of the sport of gourmands will yield something less brutal?

How about Molly Schuyler, who ate a record 501 chicken wings in at Wing Bowl in 30 minutes last February?

Normally, she says, she and her children eat a healthy diet. But the morning of the competition she drinks about three gallons of water to stretch the stomach. Put it another way, a pint being a pound the whole world 'round, she puts 24 pounds of water in her gut. And that's her equivalent of doing stretches in the outfield.

Are these the methods that will help you get through the turkey, gravy, stuffing, potatoes, cranberry sauce, fruit salad, rolls, green bean casserole, candied yams, apple cider, creamed onions, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream?

Of course, you ought to bear in mind that competitive eating is not without risks. While you're devouring an entire turkey in 12 minutes, you might choke on a bone, you might have a heart attack, you might choke on your own vomit, and basically, you might die. Even drinking gallons of water to prepare can lead to water intoxication, which sounds silly but can throw your salts out of whack and -- you guessed it -- kill you. So maybe you should just eat what you can next Thursday and not go for Olympic gold here.

Of course, your Aunt Sally's green bean casserole might kill you all on its own, but that's a chance you'll have to take.