Let Rent-A-Fred be your solution.
Yes, boys, for a reasonable and nonnegotiable fee, you can have Fred appear as a groomsman in your wedding, swearing that he has known you for years. You'll need to provide the rental clothes, of course, but don't worry! Fred cleans up real good. And he doesn't care what kind of monkey suit the bride picked out for your party.
Your rental friend Fred will retain a quiet dignity with a wry sense of humor throughout the proceedings. He will assure the bride's family that she isn't marrying a dodo -- look at his classy friends! -- but will never make them think she should have married Fred instead. He knows which fork to use at dinner, will praise every aspect of the meal, won't get drunk and hit on the bridesmaids, and will be friendly to your family and hers. At no added cost, Fred will Chicken Dance and Macarena and Electric Slide and Hokey Pokey on an as-needed basis.
Studies show* that wedding parties that include Fred get 35% to 38% higher collection on the dollar dance. He practically pays for himself!
Upgrade to our Gold Key Package and have Fred as your best man! Fred will arrange your bachelor party so you can have all kinds of stories to tell later, even if it's just you and him and your neutered cat. Don't worry; we'll come up with something.** At the rehearsal dinner, Fred will make a heartfelt toast to the happy couple that will bring laughs and maybe a little tear to the eyes of the wedding party.*** And he will be extra careful not to tread on the feet of the maid of honor, even if she wears size 13 gumboots and dances like a rhinoceros.
So remember, sad friendless male, for a nominal fee you can have turn your Wedding into a Fredding. You can't afford not to!
* Studies from the F.K. Institute of Marriage Sciences.
** You'll have stories, we promise.
*** Charming fictional slide show of our friendship included at additional cost.
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