Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Woman Stuck on Crazy Adventure with Guy Still Thinks He’s a Jerk.

Staff Reports

Jane Thompson, 27, of Clackamass, still believes that the guy she was stuck with on that kooky adventure with the thieves and the truck and the scary hit man and everything is a jerk.
“At first I thought Jack was handsome, but a do-nothing, clueless egoist,” she says, referring to John Lancing, 28, of Jonestown, the aforementioned jerk, whose father owned the company at which Thompson worked. “Then, when we got kidnapped together because of his rich father’s shady business interests, he started to prove that he wasn’t useless. But down deep inside, he really is a selfish asswagon. And I even though he’s handsome, I got sick of looking at his douchebag face.”
Thompson and Lancing, who staged a highly improbable escape from the kidnappers, fled the hideout in comical disguise, then raced away using various forms of transportation, including a sports car, a train, a biplane, and even a chicken truck. “That part would have been funny,” says Thompson, “if I'd been with a decent human being.”

The mismatched duo was framed for a robbery by one of Lancing’s father’s business partners during the unlikely chase, meaning they had to hide from both the kidnappers and the police on their preposterous cross-country run. “It was a challenge,” she says, “more so because I never stopped hating Jack’s guts.

“Like this one time, when a colorful but dumb yokel saw our Wanted pictures on the news and tied us up in a barn? Jack untied us, because he’s good with knots, and as we ran he was telling me this story about his being a Boy Scout once, and it was a nice story, and I started to think he wasn’t a putz, right? Then suddenly he laughs and says he was kicked out of the Scouts for throwing a fat kid out of his cabin with no clothes. He still thinks it’s funny. What an asshole.

“And he wouldn’t stop making jokes about how much I’d like it if he tied me up,” she adds.
Thompson firmly insisted that despite the fact that she and Lancing were forced to spend several nights together along the way, absolutely nothing at freaking all happened, because she's not that kind and besides he's a Neanderthal.

Thompson did enjoy a chance to pilot a biplane with Lancing, as she had on her grandfather's farm many years ago: "I got to use a variety of unusual skills on our wacky, deadly headlong multi-state dash with absolutely no romance."

Ultimately Thompson and Lancing were able to break into his father’s Los Angeles office, find the evidence, expose the criminals, clear their own names, and even bring the hired assassin to justice in a bizarre sequence of events involving bowling balls, a manhole cover, baling wire, and help from a friendly drunk named Murray.
“I’m so glad it all worked out,” Thompson says. “And I guess it’s fair that Jack will still have a lot of money from his father’s legitimate businesses. Although I know all his promises about reforming his daddy’s companies are just horse crap. Too bad he can’t go to the decency store and stock up, because he’s still a schmuck. I hope I never see him again.
“I have friends who say you can’t trust first impressions,” Thompson adds. “I say they watch too many movies. I can tell a prick when I see one. And despite our shared screwball adventure, I know I was right.”

Lancing had no comment, except “Jane who?”

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