Varmints head to prison at last.

SMALL VARMINTS HERDED INTO PRISON CAMPS

Staff Reports

Thousands of small varmints were herded into prison camps yesterday by their parents, acting under orders by federal, state, and local officials. Prison camps set up in towns and cities across the nation opened their gates to the little sidewinders.

“I’m sorry it’s come to this,” said Jane Schlobotnick, 35, mother of one of the aforementioned varmints. “I know my little Hector is a dadgum skunk sometimes, but I’ll miss having him around the house.”

Outside a typical detention center for no-good little varmints.

“Society will benefit from this,” assured Samantha Hinkel, 52, superintendent for the Mill Valley Varmint Prison Camps. “These dadblasted horny-toads will benefit from being reformed, in a pleasant environment far from normal human beings.”

The scurrilous bushwhackers had mixed reactions to their incarceration. Some reacted with joy, some indifference; other openly wept.

“I dunno,” said noted hornswoggler Cindy Farris, 5. “It looks okay. Wanna see my pony sticker?”

“I eat dirt,” added her mangy twin brother, Tommy “Butch” Farris, 5.

Bobby Creeholtz, 5, waving a blue plastic dinosaur, said, "Raaaaar!"

The consarned whippersnappers are expected to be incarcerated for a period of at least 12 years (possibly longer, depending on their parents’ finances), except for evenings, weekends, holidays, sick days, and summers.

"The law is the law," said Hinkel. "But normal citizens should be assured that the mangy scalawags are being treated with kindness and respect. By us, at least; not necessarily by one another. After all," she added, "they are varmints."