Death or taxes?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. 

Does anyone ever get pleasantly surprised by his or her income tax calculation? I certainly don't. 

As a freelancer, my income fluctuates annually. Last year I worked almost every single day and managed to have a good year. Not that it felt good, with car trouble and the withering failures of the dishwasher, A/C, water heater, and smaller appliances. The only appliance in the house that has not been replaced at least once is the oven, and I'm keeping an eye on that in case it gets any ideas. 

The upshot of my earned income, of course, is that I have to pay an enormous amount of taxes. I like to think it's going toward missiles to finally end the 50-year war Iran declared on us, but it's probably going to a Minnesotan learing center. 

The comic strip Cathy used to have a running bit where her accountant could tell the heroine where her tax money was actually being used, and it was always some stupid, frivolous thing, like color-coded staplers for the Department of Agriculture. It was funny, but I would take stupid and frivolous over the fraud that has been consuming vast amounts of American citizens' pay.

This year it was recommended to me that, as there had been some changes to the tax code, that it might be wise to let a professional run the numbers rather than taxpaying software, as I have used the past few tax seasons. That brought me to the door of a local branch of a well-known financial service that I will call McTax's (with apologies to McDonald's). 

I do not want to go through the ensuing confusion, delays, and frustrations, but I will say:

1) What has taken weeks could have been resolved in hours for far less than the $500 I got soaked;

2) It is possible that my tax software might have gotten me the same painful result, but I guarantee it would not have been worse; and

3) I have gotten takeout from a sandwich shop that had cockroaches, been in bars where I thought I might die, and been at the mercy of a crazy, nervous dentist, but none of these made me feel less confident in an establishment than the four "professionals" staffing the office of McTax's.

Well, lesson learned, I guess, or leared as they say in Minneapolis. Now we have another reason to push hard to sell the house, as I am going to have a hard time paying taxes from last year and no way to put down an advance on taxes for this year. Selling the house would solve that issue.

But the oven had better not get any funny ideas. 

It's not?

 

Coffee achievers!

Last month the Journal of the American Medical Association, also known as JAMA LAMA BING BONG BOO, ran an excellent study entitled "Coffee and Tea Intake, Dementia Risk, and Cognitive Function." Why is this so important? Because: 

Greater consumption of caffeinated coffee and tea was associated with lower risk of dementia and modestly better cognitive function, with the most pronounced association at moderate intake levels.

There it is! Just what I've been saying all along. Coffee makes your brain work better, and keep at it longer! 

health food

"But, Fred," you say, "surely you just agree with this because you like coffee and becase you are hopelessly addicted to caffeine." 

To which I counter: Ha! And: Maybe! But don't just take my word for it. Take the word of me looking back at my younger days. 

In my house, you started drinking coffee as soon as you could stand it, usually a drop of coffee in a cup of milk. By the time I was in my early teens, I was drinking it with Mom and Dad as is. Did it make me smarter? Well, probably not, but it got me out the door in time for school.

Since then I have relied heavily on caffeine, but except in small Pepsi Zero type doses or the occasional black tea, I rely on coffee to get my moving. No No-Doz or Red Bull. (I'll bet that Red Bull stuff actually causes more dementia, just going by the ads.) 

How do I know that these so-called scentists aren't just in the pocket of Big Coffee? Well, for one thing the names include Zhang, Liu, Li, Gu, Kang, Wang, and Hu. They all are affiliated with American institutions, but if they were on the take you'd think Big Tea would have been a more natural cultural connection. So I think they are 100% trustworthy on this important issue.  

So drink that coffee! Fight that dementia! And don't worry about the "moderate intake levels" stuff. I mean, it just stands to reason that two pots of coffee are twice as good as one pot of coffee. It's science! 

Flaming deer.

One of the curious things that happened while this blog was on hiatus was the bear invasion. A black bear was seen multiple times, and his explosive assaults on garbage cans were also seen multiple times. 

Have not seen him in a bit, but it's March. He may still be around in the neighborhood, sleeping it off. 

I avoided him by putting my garbage out after sunrise, but my neighbors did not always follow this strategy. 

Racoons will make a huge mess, tipping over the can and scattering food debris, but for a real trash-saster you need a bear. Because when they get to the bag they want, they drag the ripped bag hither and yon, spreading joy where'er they go. 

Which brings up the deer. 

At one point the bear grabbed a trash bag from across the street and dragged it along my nextdoor neighbor's yard. There's no fence, so bits got on my side, but the bulk stayed over yonder. However, I was out there with the dog that day and came face to face with a large deer. 

Normally deer might bound away, or freeze, hoping to be invisible. But not this deer. He was licking the wrapper of some product and was so intent that he didn't budge when we were within five feet. He was obsessed. I mentioned to him that he should remove himself, but he did not care. He was going to town on this wrapper and did not care who knew it. So we let him be. 

I was very surprised later when I found out what the food was that had him so entranced: 

Spicy hot hispanic snack food?

Sabritias, which makes Turbos, is a Mexican snack company owned by Pepsi. I've never tried any of their products, but if this is sold in Mexico and claims to be hot, I believe them. And yet the deer just thought it was the bee's knees. The bee's flamas knees. 

Critters need salt too, which is why mineral licks are used, so I could see the attraction of the deer to the saltiness of the snack. But the hot pepper is what surprises me. It's taken me a while to get my Scoville tolerance up, and that's after a lifetime of exposure; this deer took to the Turbos like a duck to water. I expected to see cartoon smoke coming out his ears. 

Who knows. Deer are nutty. 

This ends today's episodes of Animals Are Weirder Than We Think. I'm sure we'll have some more fun and games if the bear shows up in spring, so stay tuned.  

Thrilling adventure!

(With apologies to the late great Mike Maltese.)