Saturday, April 1, 2017

Smell like the Donald.

Although this is being posted on April 1, what you are about to read is completely true. And before anyone gets mad about me telling you how to acquire the scent of the nation's most prominent Republican, please note that I told you all how to smell like one of the nation's most popular Democrats last year.

Here's the secret to being more like Donald Trump:

Can we assume that Trump uses Success by Trump deodorant? Perhaps. If a White House maid leaked that he kept Right Guard in the can, it would be the latest Trump-Lies meme on Twitter. But maybe he doesn't; I understand the man doesn't drink, so I suppose he never enjoys Trump wine. So maybe he uses Polo by Ralph Lauren. Who knows? I'm going to say he uses Success by Trump because if I had a brand of deodorant with my name on it I would certainly use it.

What does it smell like? Perhaps not at all what you might think, if you go by the man's loud, often obnoxious public persona. That might make you think of a powerful bus station bathroom disinfectant, or a very cheap "French" perfume from someplace non-French, or just the nickel slot banks on the casino floor in Atlantic City. The kind of overpowering Axe-like wave that announces your arrival like a drunken brass section blowing for glory. But there is a sweet smell to Success. No, it doesn't smell sweet like cake; I just couldn't resist writing that.

It actually smells a lot more subtle than you'd guess, a bit musky and spicy, like a decent eau de toilette, which indeed Success also is. Any of you guys who have gotten a deodorant as part of a cologne gift package know the difference between the stuff you get in the supermarket and this kind of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with supermarket stuff, which I have used to destinkify about 99.8% of my adult life. But there is a higher level of quality and texture to a department-store type deodorant stick.

If you're curious, and you use deodorant, and you're a man or just like to use men's products, you could definitely do worse than Success by Trump just as a product. It works just fine. Plus, there's always the chance you might be scented by a Trump hater who hates Trump so much that they'll smell the Trump on you, and you can watch someone make a public scene, which is always kind of fun. Making people go nuts seems to be something that Trump counts as success.

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