Friday, April 22, 2016

Ban me!

The Great Lileks posted this old gem on his Tumblr site:

The Decameron by Boccaccio is known for having some stories with sexual content. Yowza! Supposedly it's been banned a bunch of times and in various places over the last 700+ years. Obviously that hasn't kept it from being popular, or at least continuously read. In fact, it almost certainly has kept its popularity up there.

Well, that means Boccaccio is another author who's done better than me. Damn it! King, Patterson, Boccaccio, Clancy---Clancy died in 2013 and since then the bastard's got 6 new books with his name plastered on the front. In other words he writes more new books dead than I do alive. Son of a bitch.

Anyway, taking a page from Boccaccio's lewd book, I decided that the best way to move a lot of my novels is to be banned. I know my fellow Bleatnik Stiiv (all together: STIIV!) supports me in this. All the librarians will rush to buy my books. Even if they are supposed corrupt the youth. Especially if they are supposed to corrupt the youth. Then the school librarians will go on hunger strikes to get my books available for the kids.

Does it matter than my books have very little sex and generally realistic (if any) violence? Shhh---don't tell them.

Just do me a solid and tell your local librarian that you are FURIOUS that some libraries are carrying those SINFUL and SHOCKING books by that ORGIASTIC PIG FREDERICK KEY, and you'd just as soon BURN THIS LIBRARY DOWN as see it feature any of FREDERICK KEY's books in its digi catalog. Because he is DISGUSTING and CORRUPTS the YOUTH. That name is F-R-E-D K-E-Y.

Seriously, let me know which libraries you target and I'll arrange to cut you in on the sales. You'll be happy, I'll be happy, the librarians will be happy... Win-Win-Win!

Boccaccio and Tom Clancy might not be happy for the competition, but that's okay. They're dead.


Steve Ryan said...

My name in print! Yay! I am on the job, Fred...complaining about the filthy, vulgar, hormone-promoting works of one Mr. Fred Key. I'm looking forward to your Henry Miller-inspired Tropic of Ana, about the lust & greed on a Florida orange plantation.

Fred Key said...

It will peel your banana, that's for sure!