Stunning archeological find!

I know you think I'm just an editor and writer, spending my days cramped over the computer, pounding out words and nursing phrases to health. Boring, right? Well, that's not the whole story, my friends! Unbeknownst to you, your friend Fred is also a paleontologist and an archeologist! I just do it for laughs; there's not usually a lot of money in that stuff. It's why Indiana Jones had the same hat for fifty years.

But who cares? It's the science and the history that concern us! And that is why I am excited to share with you my latest finding, one that will rock the foundations of academia and change forever the way we think of dinosaurs and prehistoric man! 

You see, it has been a longstanding prejudice by the scientific community that dinosaurs died out 63 million years before the appearance of the first humans. They point to stories like those of famed caveperson Alley Oop, who had a pet dinosaur, as being silly, ahistorical, unscientific. 

Well, I say: Nuts to that! Because I have discovered proof that humans and dinosaurs coexisted. I present to you this cave drawing that I found following extensive and exhaustive research. And digging. Oh, so much digging. My achin' back! But it was worth it. 

Clearly, what we have here is an example of a giant spike-boned dinosaur, similar to Alley Oop's Dinny, as rendered by our primitive ancestors. I submit that this vivid and detailed cave depiction is of the Kentrosaurus genus (Kentrosaurus meaning prickle lizard), which was said to have died out with the late Jurassic. Late Jurassic! As you can see, that's just silly talk.

Obviously the artist had seen one of these magnificent beasts sometime in the paleolithic era. But this stegosaur appears to have a much larger head than most known dinos of its type, a head more suited for carnivorous rather than herbivorous habits. I confess my identification of the animal as a Kentrosaurus involves some guesswork. But it is prickly and it is a lizard, and I've known a number of people that fit that description, so let's call it educated guesswork.

Assuming this is a discovery of a new and unknown species, I humbly suggest the name Kentrosaurus Flinstonica for it, a tribute to that modern stone-age family who demonstrated peaceful coexistence with dinosaurs in legends passed down to us. 

But where did I find this amazing work of art? I'm afraid I will have to keep that my secret, at least unless the Journal of Old Stuff publishes my paper and pays me handsomely. And even then it may not be possible for others to investigate the find personally. It's been rather rainy, and I'm afraid it may be washed away.

Be glad I have preserved the image for science. You're welcome!

Banjaxed!

It may be a sad commentary on the human condition that our words for aiding and for creation are not as plentiful as our words for beating and for destroying. Furthermore, the words for creation tend to be specific to the task (assemble, sculpt, carve, concoct, cook) while those for destruction tend to be interchangeable (ruin, crush, crunch, pulverize). 

All that said, we do have some pretty great works for wrecking things. Wallop, pound, smash, annihilate, shatter, ravage, and raze are all fun. Also, we do understand that there are implied differences in the severity and methodology of these verbs. 

One of the coolest words is banjax, which has that great ax at the end. It's thought to be of Irish origin, and Merriam-Webster dates it to 1939, but no one knows for sure where it came from. That stressed B-syllable at the beginning is reminiscent of beat or batter, and X is always good for destructive purposes, as a sound or as a mark to indicate things that must go. You get the idea of being hit and broken in two. It also sounds like getting hit with a banjo, and even the sound the banjo might make when you get hit. 

No disrespect to El Kabong, but an acoustic guitar weighs about five pounds, while a banjo can weigh as much as fourteen. Plus, the guitar has more air resistance. I think I'd rather be kabonged with a guitar than banjaxed with a banjo. 

As we head toward football and hockey seasons, where the verbs for destroying each other will be flying in the sports coverage, I would to remind everyone that banjax is a fine word for beating the snot out of an opponent. 

One important side note: Remember, the word is whup, not whoop. Whup, generally combined these days with ass and often available in a can, is a variation of whip that dates back to 1852. Whoop means to cheer (as a verb) and goes back to the 14th century. One does not whoop one's opponent -- unless one is cheering for him, I guess. You'd be surprised how often I see this mistake from professional writers -- and, it must be said, female ones, because they've never watched pro wrestling. 

Above all, do not whoop ass, because that sounds like some strange butt-related fetish, and I don't think we need to know any more about one another's sex lives these days. 

Don't shop, adopt (fruit edition).

If you didn't feel guilty enough every time you throw away plastic instead of recycling, well, now you can start feeling guiltier, because by throwing out expired food you are DESTROYING THE PLANET.

But don't worry, because now that fruit, that poor, tenderly harvested, irreplaceable fruit is being rescued!

Danon's Two Good yogurt, named so because it has just two grams of sugar per serving, is here to SAVE THE PLANET by rescuing fruit! And if that sounds silly to you, then you are an Earth-destroying bastard and you don't care. But Danone, Danon's home company, DOES CARE:

Danone North America's Two Good® Yogurt is tackling food waste with the introduction of its Good Save™ product line, wrapping a year of commitment to positive impact for people and the planet for the brand. In partnership with Full Harvest®, Two Good 'Good Save' uses Verified Rescued Produce™ to create lower sugar yogurt products with the goal of reducing food waste at the farm level. The product line is setting the standard for the emerging rescued foods market and is the first dairy product to utilize 100% Verified Rescued Produce™. The initial offering features Meyer Lemons that are 100% verified rescued, with plans to launch additional flavors in 2021 and beyond.

You catch that? They loved the idea of rescuing fruit so much that they trademarked the term Verified Rescued Produce™. Note: The trademark does not mean a government entity looked it over and said, "Yes, by golly, that meets our exacting standards" and stamped it. It just means that they got the USPTO to issue a trademark.

So what is the deal with the great fruit rescue, this Dunkirk evac of fruit, and does this involve PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Fruit)?

Full Harvest is a do-gooder outfit that leads off saying that a full one-quarter of all produce in America is wasted. I always find these kinds of assertions questionable. You know the figures are always fudged to make the point stronger. Plus, considering how much we grow in this country, and how much agriculture traditionally goes to waste, I think consuming three-quarters is pretty good. 

If we weren't whacking people over the head to Eat! Fresh! Fruits! and Vegetables! all the time, I think we'd be canning and freezing more, and even less would be wasted. Because fresh stuff rots. Canned vegetables stay good for a very long time. 

I think it's safe to say also that children and teenagers probably count for most of the domestic waste. Someone who lives alone and buys apples will probably try to eat them, however much the siren call of the potato chips tries to lure them away. Parents trying and failing to get healthy food into children is the main cause of refrigerators turning into the hospice of produce, where the bounty of the earth goes to die. 

But Full Harvest is not able to round up the stuff that's perishing in the crisper drawer. So what IS Verified Rescued Produce™?

Verified Rescued Produce® is defined by Full Harvest as produce or its by-product that was grown for human consumption but is determined that it will go to waste at the time of evaluation.

While all Full Harvest produce either falls into surplus or imperfect and is being sold in service of reducing food waste, only some of it can be Verified Rescued™ - meaning that it can be verified that it would have gone to waste at the time of evaluation. Any category of Full Harvest produce above can qualify as Verified Rescued™ if it meets our strict verification requirements at the time of evaluation during our auditing process. When verified by a Full Harvest audit, the produce is officially considered “rescued”, meaning that it reduces food waste, and therefore qualifies for environmental benefits (Water savings and CO2 emissions avoidance).  

So... I'm eating garbage? What was so weird about the Meyer lemons that Two Good rescued that they were considered unmarketable? Now I'm a little scared.

Some people think we need to make supermarkets give away any food that's going to waste, but there are downsides to that that the commies never consider. For one thing, a big food giveaway every day would mean fewer customers and more freeloaders, so fewer people paying the freight. But say we took that step by force of law. Then the commies ask: "Why not give it all away from the get-go?" Because you can never do enough for those people, and they never think through the logical consequences of their demands. The Verified Experience of Communism™ proves again and again that giving stuff away leads to scarcity for everyone, but despite the vast human experience in this experiment, they cannot or will not understand why. 

In a way, rescuing fruit in a way nothing new. The huge Tropicana plant in Bradenton, Florida, not only uses four billion oranges annually to make juice, they also turn the peels into useful products like perfume ingredients and cattle feed. Capitalism is supposedly wasteful, but in fact it is way better at recycling than communism, because capitalists want to make a buck off everything they can. 

But back to the Two Good product. Is Two Good any good?

Yeah, it's a quality yogurt, as Danon stuff tends to be. But I have to say the lemon flavor is not very strong. Maybe they need to rescue MORE fruit. Maybe too many Meyer lemons are still losing their lives for nothing. DO BETTER, DANONE! 

Anyway, I hate being lectured with my food. I'm going back to the store brand. 

Porch song.

John Madden famously said, "If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch."

Well, Izzy's on the larger side as breeds go, but he'd usually still rather stay on the porch. This summer has been relatively mild, and he's decided the porch is the primo spot. 

He isn't there to spy on the neighbors or bark at people going past on the sidewalk. He just likes hanging out outside. Humans need shelter, but not animals. If they're in their natural temperature zone, they can just hang out. They may not be comfortable all the time, but they're in far less danger of dying from exposure than we are.

What's annoying is that Izzy will pretend he has to go out to pee, sound real panicky, and collapse on the boards the moment he goes outside. Sometimes even if he has to do his duty (har!), he will stay on the porch first to make sure he gets his porchwork in.

Never neglect porch day.

Often he'll fall asleep out there. 

I don't mind too much. The porch furniture is not very comfortable, but it's okay. The bugs usually don't attack. It's mainly a problem if I'm on deadline. Almost all my work is done on the laptop, and I don't want that outside if the weather is bad -- or if he really does want to go walkies and I'd be obliged to leave it out there. Even if it's just sunny, it's hard to see the screen. 

He doesn't want to be alone outside, so he'll start making noises if tethered on the porch by himself. If I'm working against the clock, I have to play the bad guy and drag his furry behind back in. 

Occasionally the weather will be too hot or cold, and Izzy will want to go in before too long. This never happens in spring or fall -- rain, sun, fog, thunderstorm, snow, he doesn't care. 

But I think I benefit from the fresh air as well, even during allergy season. Also, because we were out there so much, I caught a bunch of wasps building a nest. The little bastards were building it at the very apex of the gable in the center of the roofline, a place inaccessible with wasp spray from the second-story windows or from the ladder I have. I could go out the window onto the porch roof, but considering that I have injured myself going downstairs recently and crossing the driveway before that, I am not going out on any roofs if I can avoid it. 

So, from the top of my ladder leaning up against the porch, I sprayed the nest with the hose. 

That has a couple of advantages. One, it ruins the nest. Two, they don't seem to consider water damage as an attack, just weather; they go into flee mode, not fight mode, so I got away without being stung. Unfortunately, the nest is still attached up there, hanging like a withered old testicle. If it doesn't detach on its own soon, I'm going to have to dig out the power washer and hope that has better range. 

To sum up: Dog, cute, loves porch; wasps, evil, build branch offices of hell in inaccessible places. And I'm just glad I can sit outside and not freeze to death because it's summer.  

Deeper memeing.

Hello, pals! Just a few memes here to keep your strength up as you face the weekend. Be careful out there! 

Too dark?

I hope so! Enjoy your day.

A tragic rime.

 

Saga of the Homophones

Or, Long Knight's Journey into Daze

By Fred Key, Righter

Knight fell slowly on the town

And it hurt him on his knee.

A boulder knight no one could know

It tripped him up, you see.

“This rock has merely hurt my pride;

My hart is much more pained.”

Indeed the dear looked shaken as

He wobbled off, half sprained.

“Sad knight,” his squire said to him,

“Despair misaimed your boot.

I’m saddened to my sole for you!

How sorry is my foot!”

“Alas, the pain is all too reel,

A fishhook in my heart.

It lands my fate I know not wear!

I rend my clothes apart.

I love the Princess Jezebel

If I may bear my sorrow.

The sorrow growls, shows its teeth,

And haunts me for the morrow.

Ah, Jezebel! Beloved one!

Such a gorgeous site!

Yes, her castle is quite nice,

And she’s a bit all right.

I sought to woo her to be mine

I brought a bunch of flours.

The sacks all busted on the way!

Was sweeping up for hours.

Covered as I was I thought

To play a dashing roll.

Alas, she’s gluten-free these days!

She shunned me, on the hole.

When I climbed out I wrote a note

With finest stationary

The note, I fear, I could not send!

Stuck to my reliquary!

I made a book of poems for her;

Enclosed it in a phial.

But all the pages jammed in there

So it was not worthwhile.

Once more I leapt upon my horse

And took him by the rain

Which meant I had to shower off

That horse is such a pain.

At last I rode once more to her

And to her castle peek

I found my interest peaked in her

As in her bath I sneak.

Once more disaster struck, for she

Whose love I tried to steel

Had me tossed out upon the tush

And that raised quite a wheel.

I rolled back home and now I sob

Thwarted in love thrice.

What a scandal! What a waist!

And the rest of her was nice!

You clearly see me in such pane

All riven by love’s wars!

And thus my tail is at its end.”

He pointed to his drawers.

“Such a poem of -- whoa!” the knight

Herd from his faithful flunky

While chasing off a pesky flock

Of sheep who all smelled funky.

The squire said, “A lesson, lord,

Is learned by eye or ear.

And yet ignored, for it is said,

You can’t get there from hear.”

✍🏰🐑

It's dog-eat-dog out there.