Birdbrain.

We've had a lot of robins around here this spring, as I've noted before. Now, one of them has decided to move in. 

Scared the hell out of me.

The deck is pretty high. One morning I walked under it to look for yellow jacket nests (it's a favorite spot for them to build, so I have to check it frequently in the spring) and the robin shot out of the nest, bonking her head (I assume it's female) a couple of times on the way out. I'd since hoped to get a picture of the bird in the nest, or a short video, but she always flees before I can get close enough with the phone.

I don't think that this is the smartest robin going. Before this nest got done, there had been several abortive nests up in the joists under the deck: a small pile of grass here, a piece of plastic cord there, a little muddy lump over here, all on spots exposed to the fast winds we sometimes get. Wikipedia reports that "Bird banders have found that only 25% of young robins survive the first year." If they're all this good at making nests, I can't say I'm surprised.

But it's a pity. Robins have a pretty song, and as tenants go, they're not too bad. If they eat yellow jackets, I might give them a stipend.

Anyway, I'll always have a soft spot for robins, one that has nothing to do with Batman. No, it was because of their mention in Jethro Tull's sweet song, "Home":

Down steep and narrow lanes I see the chimneys smoking
above the golden fields ... know what the robin feels
in his summer jamboree.
All elements agree
in sweet and stormy blend ---
midwife to winds that send me home.

I like home. Home is nice.

Over-minioned?

The Minions movie doesn't open until July 10, and already we are being Minioned every which way. I've seen the ads for the Minions Tic Tacs. I've even tried the Minions Peeps, as I wrote a few months back. Then there's this:

Come on, guys. Just because it's yellow?

Too bad Nuprin is not around anymore. We could have Minion pain relief.

The Minions are shaped like cans of antiperspirant; can an Axe Minion Spray be far behind?

Part of the problem, though, is that while the marketing for the movie is fun, the movie itself looks like kind of a bust. Coming up with a big, epic Minion backstory robs them of their charm, I think. Worse, the story looks rather predictable and pedestrian, like Despicable Me without the redemption. Or maybe the redemption story is there, in which case it's just Another Despicable Me. The gags in the trailers that center around the modern Minion story fall flat. When your comedy trailer isn't funny, you have problems.

I hate to come down too hard on the little guys, though. I mean, I'm glad they're doing fine, and I hope the movie is better than it looks. I have to admit, too, that I've been told that they may be distant cousins of mine. I suppose it's possible, but personally I don't see any resemblance.

UPDATE: Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

UPDATE UPDATE: Honestly, the more things like this I see (and I have seen more), the more I think the movie is going to suck hard.

Benefits of self-employment.

I've been self-employed as a writer and an editor for some time now, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone sane. A friend of mine who writes out of his home office for newspapers says that it's ideal for him because "I don't play well in the sandbox with others."

Lately I've been doing most of my work at home too, rather than visiting client offices, and it definitely has its advantages. The dog is happy that I'm around to take him out and play with him all the time. I can sleep a little later... although the dog doesn't let me sleep late anyway---time, tide, and pee wait for no man. And yes, I can work in my PJs, although as it happens I sleep in a three-piece suit and necktie.

Of course, there are downsides to it as well. Some days the work dries up. Dry spells seldom last long, and they give me time to work on my own books. But being an overdramatic creative type, I quickly become convinced that I must have screwed something up, my name has been dragged through the mud, and I'll never work in publishing again. It doesn't help if the bills are piling up at the same time.

All that said, there are a few reasons I've found to enjoy being self-employed, and I'm glad to share them with you:

• Who's employee of the month this month? Why... it's ME again!
• Never have a problem finding a parking space
• I've tried to lay me off, but I just don't have the heart
• No one has ever stolen my red Swingline
• At office parties, I get to eat all the cookies
• Staff meetings take less than 30 seconds
• Never have to fill out a self-evaluation

So there are advantages to this work arrangement, for those brave, independent, misanthropic souls willing to go for it. It helps that I didn't get into a field like automobile manufacturing, which would be difficult to do out of my home.

The Dog answers your questions.

Dear Tralfaz:

My dog is a picky eater. How can I get him to eat his food?

--Concerned

Dear Concerned:

My vet says I could live on treats, or at least that's what I hope she said. So give your dog lots of treats. If he throws up, that's okay; he won't mind. In fact, he may just eat it all again. If he gets fat your vet will blame you for not exercising him enough, and your dog won't mind that either. Win-win!

--Tralfaz

Dear Tralfaz:

What does it mean when my cat hisses at me? She doesn't bite or anything.

--Curious

Dear Concerned:

The situation you describe is very serious. It indicates that you have a cat. I suggest you rectify this at once by removing the cat and getting a dog. He will be your faithful chum, and he will never hiss at you, I promise.

--Tralfaz

Dear Tralfaz:

My dog always go nuts when the mailman comes by. I'm afraid he would bite the guy if he had a chance! What can I do?

--Unnerved

Dear Unnerved:

Clearly there is a problem with this mailman. Dogs are excellent judges of character. Have you considered that he may be an enemy agent? Or maybe a dangerous man who kills lots and lots of people? Maybe you should consider moving. Trust your dog.

--Tralfaz

Dear Tralfaz:

My naughty puppy doesn't come when he's called. How can I correct his misbehavior?

--Upset

Dear Upset:

Is it perhaps that your puppy doesn't come because of your attitude? Hmm? Negative words like "naughty" tell me that you're mad with your furbaby, and don't think he doesn't know it. Perhaps you could give him treats when he comes to you. In fact, you should give him treats pretty much all the time. And praise, lots of praise. And toys. And rub his belly. What doggie wouldn't come to someone like that?

--Tralfaz

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Got a question for the Dog? Write in care of this author and we'll see if he answers it or chews it.

Slip Mahoney: The Recap.

Well, folks, that wraps another Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day. The second. In a row! So it's all very exciting. Or, as Slip might say, it's been absolutely dogmatic and innocuous.

Here are some inspiring and completely unconfirmed anecdotes connected with this year's event, reported to us at TLSMD HQ:

• An angry police captain in Houston was overheard telling a sergeant, "I oughta moidelize ya, ya bum."
• Nationwide, bow tie sales were up 38% on the day.
• A female pediatrician in Oshkosh told the mother of one of her patients, "She just needs ta get some good eats, some fresh air, and some ostracize."
• Seven palookas in Cleveland went to Walmart to buy hats so they could hit one another with them.
• A Baptist minister in Mobile told some congregants, "God sent his only kid to redeem our exegetical souls, and dat ain't hay, bruddah."
• An elderly woman in Saskatchewan, faced with a picky-eating grandson, promised that, "If yeh don't eat dat tuna sanwich I'm gonna feed ya a knuckle sanwich!"

So we're positively immobilized with glee at da toinout.

Why do we honor the great Slip Mahoney? Why do we chase these ghosts of celluloid past? I'd say, we may be ghost chasers, but we're in excellent company.

See you next year. Tomorrow, back to foods I shouldn't eat (but did), dog anecdotes, miscellaneous complaints, pedantry, and observational humor!

Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day: One last primer.

All right! The day is here! We're all going to honor the late Leo Gorcey and the Bowery Boys today by talking like Slip Mahoney, right?

If you need one more dose of encouragement, here is the mastah at woik:

And a couple of trailers:

And a dramatic toin:

You get the idear.

As I mentioned yesterday, the proper Slip attire helps sell the imitation. And Fred is always willing to provide a good example.

All right, you mugs! Get dressed up, get your accents and malapropisms in order, and go get 'em!

Hours away from Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day!

June 2 is the day that the great Leo Gorcey died in 1969, and we honor him tomorrow with the second annual Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day. So when you're out and about on Tuesday, make sure to use your broad Noo Yawk accent, act tough and mean when you're angry (and panicked when you're scared), and work in those malapropisms as often as you can.

The character Slip Mahoney from the Bowery Boys films was known for his colorful misuse of large words, and as I acknowledged last year, it can be hard to zing one out without proper preparation. Gorcey had screenwriters, and Mrs. Malaprop from The Rivals had Richard Brinsley Sheridan, but you'll have to make do on your own. Bear in mind that you can make near words---words that are not quite in the dictionary but A) sound like the word that is meant and B) have a comic effect.

Here's a few I've concocted to get you started, complete with accent:

• "We need ta use a block and cackle on dis job."
• "I owe some money ta de Infoirnal Revenue Soirvice."
• "I'm very intelligent. I'm known for my condensation."
• "No need to be so elephantic about it!"
• "Sure, I eat meat. I ain't no veterinarian."
• "It's like dat story, 'Da Pit an' da Pandemonium.'"
• "Of course I'm a patriot! I'm a absolute libertine!"
• "We nevah give up. We're known for our tendinitis."
• "I love your abalone hair, your porcine skin."

"Tanks to dis jack pot, we're positively effluent!"

Remember that Slip was often trying to sound smart and sophisticated, so you may want to pull the double trick of doing a froufrou accent as if your natural accent is New Yorkese. That's advanced Slip.

Will people look at you funny? Dat's the idear! As with dat pirate day in September, if you dress the part people will depreciate what you'se doin'. More on dat tomorrow.