Blood-sucking freaks.

I saw a story about an astrologer recommending Halloween costumes based on Zodiacal signs. I was disappointed to hear that I should be going as a vampire. 

I hate vampires. I liked the original Dracula novel by Bram Stoker, because I found it to be thrilling and chilling, but I didn't find Drak or his undead brides to be anything but repulsive and terrifying. As they were meant to be. 

Maybe it's me, but I've never bought the Sexy Vampire stuff. It's blamed on Lord Byron, but I wouldn't know; with apologies to my former English professors, I could never stand Byron. Maybe that's not a coincidence. 

Here are some reasons not to buy into the pro-vampire lobby's nonsense. I may have covered this ground before, but it bears repeating:

1) They're dead.

Undead means dead but moving around. We're talking about animated corpses here, really just well-dressed zombies. And the clothes only come if there's a title involved, like "count" or "baron." The rest are probably just slobs.

2) They're soulless. 

As animated corpses, the bodies may be moving but the soul is gone. So things we associate with the soul, like depth of feeling, ability to love, spiritual connection, and appreciation of James Brown are impossible for the vampire. 

3) They cheat.

Don't be swayed by the Eastern European countenance; they have no honor. They'll hypnotize you if you give them a chance. If you start beating them in a fair fight, they'll turn into a bat and fly off. You need a soul to have ethics and a healthy rule of honor.

4) They're limited in what they can do.

That sunlight thing is a bummer. They'd need SPF 1 billion to counter it. Women who like hikes in the forest and long walks on the beach would be better off with a werewolf. Add also the aversion to crosses, the allergy to holy water, the weakness to silver, the mirror thing -- when the vampire is asking how he looks, he really has no idea. 

5) But they still can whup your ass at will.

They're really strong and cunning, and they are great at psychological warfare. And, as noted above, if you get the upper hand, they'll just run away and sneak-attack later.

6) They don't love you; they see you as cattle.

You think they're all into you, but they only love you for your blood. When they say you're their type, they mean O neg.

7) There's something weird about the dentistry.

With a human shaped mouth, to get the canines to make two neat puncture wounds of the jugular, it seems to me that either the upper jaw must protrude like an orthodontist's freak show or the lower jaw must retract, making this demon lover look like Beaky Buzzard. 

8) They probably stink and decay.

Dead, remember? There's not enough Orbit and Axe to cover up death.

I hope that puts paid at last to the sexy vampire thing, because really there's nothing sexy about th--

Uh... We may need to examine this new evidence, reassess these data...

I know that feeling.

Twiblight.

Sarah waited impatiently by the open window. The crescent moon set sail over a sky stroked with silver shadows and silent stars. Her lover was to come soon. This was the night.

With only a brush of a gust through the glass as a warning, Sarah realized that she was no longer alone.

"Good evening, Sarah," came the voice behind her in the room, a voice as rich and deep as the ocean it had crossed to be here. "I am so glad to see you. Alone."

"Barabbus," she said as she turned. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw him there---tall, slim, strong---the glow of the moon reflected in his pale skin, shading his dark brow. Her hand involuntarily found her breastbone. "You really have come for me."

"As you wished," he said. His smile had no mirth in it as he drew a step closer. It merely showed off his teeth---his perfect, perfectly sharp teeth. "You still wish to join us, my sweet?"

"Oh yes, yes!" she breathed, her voice trembling. "To be with you, a child of the night! Free of all human cares and fears! To fly by your side forever! I wish for nothing more than that!"

"Yes, my dear, and tonight, this very night"---he drew closer, closer still---"tonight your wish shall be granted!"

In a frenzy of the most exquisite terror and anticipation, she tilted her head to the side and pulled back her collar. Suddenly he was upon her, grasping her in his mighty arms, holding her so close to him that she could almost not bear it, waiting for his breath on her skin, his---there it was!---his bite!

She almost sank down then, but was upheld by his arms as he pierced her neck; as he drank she swooned, she melted in a maelstrom of overwhelming joy....

....and suddenly opened her eyes.

Sarah was lying on a pale ground under a gray sky. She blinked. She was alone.

"What the--?"

She sat up and clamped her hand to her neck. There was no wound. No blood on her palm.

She realized then she was wearing only a blouse and trousers, plain gray, like nothing she owned. She ran her tongue over her teeth. They felt completely normal. In fact, too normal. With a start Sarah realized that the wisdom teeth she'd had yanked in tenth grade were back in her mouth.

"What is going on here?" she cried.

"Um, sorry," said a voice behind her.

"What?" Startled, she leaped to her feet. There was a man who had not been there a moment ago, a tall man with angular features. He looked kind of like any dumb guy going to the office. But he too was wearing plain gray clothes, and his angular features were twisted in a pained expression.

"Who are you?" she said. "Where are we?"

"Yeah, Sarah, well, about that," said the man.

"You know my name?"

"They, uh, told me."

"You--- Who are you? You're not---"

"Yeah, Barry. Hi." He gave her a little wave.

"Barabbus?"

"Uh, well, that's what he calls himself, but I usually went by Barry."

"What are you talking about? Where am I? So help me, if you don't---"

"Sarah, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're dead. This is the afterlife."

"WHAT?"

"Yep. The vampire killed you. Sucked out your blood. Usually fatal, you know, losing your blood."

"Well, yeah!" she hollered, stamping her foot. "That was what he was supposed to do! I'm not supposed to be dead! There's got to be a mistake. He was going to turn me into a vampire!"

"Yeah, well, he did that. Your body is now going to run around the earth with him for a while. But you have to come with me."

That was the last straw. Shrieking with fury, Sarah grabbed Barry by the shirt and screamed in his face, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Undead, Sarah!" he said. "You're undead! I'm undead! That means there's no soul! Just animated dead bodies!" He gripped her wrists in a kindly way. "It happened to me when I was bitten by a vampire. Now it's happened to you. We died, Sarah. We are the souls. Our bodies---" He shrugged. "They've moved on without us."

"But wait! No! You're saying I don't get to be a vampire? I don't get to fly around and be a wolf and a bat and have awesome vampire sex all over the place?"

Barry shook his head. "No one does," he said. "Only the bodies survive. Until they get staked, or splashed with holy water, or forget to wear SPF eight billion sunblock or something. Our bodies are just well-dressed zombies. And we're here, in the afterlife."

Sarah collapsed to the ground, bewildered. "Oh, God."

"Yeah," he said, sitting down next to her. "I'm sorry my animated corpse killed you. I hate to tell you how many women, and men too, I've had to apologize to for that. But I have no control over it. I hope someone stakes it soon."

"Men?"

Barry shrugged. "Corpse gotta eat."

Sarah flopped on her back. "Man," she said, "this totally sucks."

###

Got to spell it out for some people.

And make it rare!