Bad covers.

Was talking about pop music with my wife, and she noted that while it's fun to hear musicians and bands take a crack at other people's hits, some combinations would be a Bad Idea.

I like hearing different takes on well-known songs. I've enjoyed records like Enjoy Every Sandwich (the Zevon tribute album) and To Cry You a Song (Jethro Tull tribute) and Saturday Morning Cartoons' Greatest Hits, for example, and at Christmastime we all hear miscellaneous idiots trying out Christmas classics. There's even some bits from the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band movie soundtrack that are worth listening to, although that's counterbalanced by all the bits that are so very, very much the opposite of worth listening to.

My bride and I were agreed, though, that it's a good thing that singers and groups have wisely steered clear of songs that would not have suited them. So we made a list of our top 20 covers that we're glad did not happen. And believe me, it was hard to stop at 20. Your contributions are most sincerely welcomed in comments.

In no particular order:


Aerosmith: "Yakety Sax" (Boots Randolph)

Stevie Nicks: "Shaddap You Face" (Joe Dolce)

Yes: "(How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window?" (Patti Page)

Barry White: "Woody Woodpecker Song" (Kay Kyser)

The Verve: "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" (Rupert Holmes)

Stormtroopers of Death: "My Favorite Things" (The Sound of Music)

The Archies: "Run for Your Life" (The Beatles)

Bruce Springsteen: "Major-General's Song" (The Pirates of Penzance)

The Carpenters: "Animal (I F__ Like a Beast)" (W.A.S.P.)

Bing Crosby: "Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin)

The Crash Test Dummies: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" (Spike Jones)

Iggy Azalea: "Honeymooners Rap" (Joe Piscopo)

Madonna: "Seasons in the Sun" (Terry Jacks)

Hank Williams Jr.: "Get Together" (The Youngbloods)

Whitesnake: "Daydream Believer" (The Monkees)

PSY: "Born in the USA" (Bruce Springsteen)

Taylor Swift: "Purple Haze" (Jimi Hendrix)

Mojo Nixon: "Be Our Guest" (Beauty and the Beast)

The Silver Platters: "Because I Got High" (Afroman)

Sonny & Cher: "Last Caress" (The Misfits)


(To be fair, some of these songs shouldn't have ever been released by anybody.)

Hello, Dolly!

Speaking as we were the other day about the Island of Misfit Toys, I have a few things to add. One is that, like a lot of kids, I probably identified more than was healthy with the misfits seen throughout Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. That remained true right up through high school.

This is basically me and my friends; just add beer and a boom box playing prog rock.

A lot of people have wondered about Dolly, or as some have tagged her, Dolly for Sue. Everyone wants to know what made her a misfit. Train with square wheels, boat that sinks---those are dealbreakers. Spotted elephant---what's the big deal? Since the 1960s we've seen the rise of ugly stuffed animals and even stuffed pathogens. But maybe a spotted elephant was too "out there" for the early 1960s. As for Charlie in the Box, Santa could've slapped a name change petition form on Charlie like the Wizard hitting the Scarecrow with a diploma, patted him on the cheek, and said, "All right, you're Jack now, capisce? You're beautiful, kid, now hit the road."

"Mind? BLOWN."

But let's assume that all these problems for every toy were equally misfitational, and somehow Santa Claus was still able to find homes for these toys just as they were, which even Santa Claus couldn't have done for me and my high school friends. The question remains: What was wrong with Dolly?

The word is that Dolly had psychological problems, "psychological, caused from being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from feeling unloved." So in that regard she would have fit right in with my crowd, at least as we saw ourselves. Not sure if she could handled the beer.

The Rudolph special is as heavy-handed as DeAndre Smelter, but it's always resonated with all little kids. Maybe all kids feel like misfits sometimes---they want to be good but they don't know how; they have so much little-kid lunacy in them and they can't control it. I never knew a kid who said, "Fireball is my favorite; he knew a freak when he saw one." And yet that's how so many behave when they get older.

Fireball is an ass, but at least he doesn't sit around feeling sorry for himself all the time. So maybe everybody has issues. At least at the North Pole.

Other misfit toys.

Jack-in-the-ball

Grim Putty

Cabbage Patch Cabbages

Slunky

Pick-up socks

Monopoly: Russian Kleptocracy Edition

Nerf Surgery Kit

Raggedy Otis

"We're definitely not the worst losers on the island anymore!"

Roller gloves

Jar Jar Action Figure

Teddy Thugspin

Ibsen™ dollhouse

Log

G.I. Bleeding

Frisbeer

Exceedingly Difficult Bake Oven

200-piece bucket of conscientious objectors

Hurla hoop

LEGO Illinois DMV Office set

Beulah, Barbie’s fat surly Goth cousin

Yo-