Dancin' in the dust.

I'm here with another stupid product review! This time it's a musical stupid product review! Although you'll have to provide your own music. 

I bought these dust mop slippers for my wife for a gag gift at Christmas. Well, the gag was on me, since she wouldn't even wear them for a lark. Not even two larks and a pheasant. But she didn't throw them away, which means I got to wear them! And I gotta DANCE! 

The other day I was vacuuming downstairs and thought I'd done a pretty good job, although with baby dog Izzy following me around it was hard to tell. The vacuum doesn't bother him, but he likes to keep a close eye on it to see what it's doing. Consequently, I missed a few spots. Plus, Izzy sheds like a shedding machine on Extra Shed mode with the optional SHEDDD+ attachment, so even if I had done a flawless job there'd be new hair already.

But that's okay, because I've got HAPPY FEET!

I slipped the slippers on and went skating around the downstairs, dipping my feets here and there for bits of dust and dog hair that I'd missed. And I did have to skate fast, because Izzy REALLY thought these mops were toys and was after me from the moment I put them on. You have to be light on your feet to keep the dog away from your moppin' shoes -- man, if I had a nickel for every time my mom told me that, I'd have no cents at all. And indeed, I do not. 

I did keep away from Izzy, and I certainly did a good job with the slippers. 

Fortunately they are machine washable. Unfortunately that means everything in the washing machine with them will get a good coating of the hair I was unable to shake off. But hey -- I'm a dancer, I suffer for my art. 

Can the slippers take the place of a vacuum or a dust mop? No. You'd have to mince around in a back-and-forth pattern like a guy cutting the grass to do the floor. BOR-RING! But for supplementary dust mopping, they're great.

So that's my lesson for today. Put on your dust mop shoes, start humming a tune, and off you go. Remember, for every job that must be done there is an element of fun. Find the fun and snap! the job's a game. Would Mary Poppins lie to you?

Best of the quarantine!

We present today the ten best ideas (so far!) for families (and others) stuck at home together during the quarantine.

Animal Fun
Players reenact the talking-animal classic Animal Farm. Who wants to be Napoleon? Who's Boxer? Who's Benjamin? Squealer? Game continues until players get bored or mad or the counterrevolution begins.

Backseat Driver
Everyone piles into the car. The driver will turn at every intersection in the direction shouted from the backseat. Oh, the places you'll go!

Shut Up in the Backseat
Everyone still in the car. No one say a goddamn word until we get home again or else. And never contradict Mommy in front of a police officer again.

Pretend School
Mom and/or Dad, completely unprepared, will try to remember some algebra to keep their at-home students up to speed. Older kids can have fun with geometry or calculus!

A Spoonful of Sugar
Reenact the famous room-cleaning scene from the Disney classic Mary Poppins, except it's the whole house and nobody has any magical powers. And stop that singing! Here's your sponge.

Dad's on the Roof
Or is he? Dad's gone hiding on the property to drink beer. Your mission: Find him before Mommy kills him!

Pretend Naptime
You kids lie down and pretend to nap while your parents pretend to work.

Who Can Scream the Loudest?
Mom will let you know when to start playing this game, usually when she's about to go out and leave Dad in charge.

Annoy Mr. Wilson
Since you can't bug the neighbor in person, children will be challenged to pester him or her (whose name may not be Wilson) in creative ways without breaking social distancing rules.

We're a Happy Family
Convince the neighbors that you all get along 100% of the time.

That's only the top ten -- your contributions to helping the world stay sane will be appreciated, of course! Meanwhile, remember: Don't volunteer to be Boxer on Animal Fun Day.

Feed the birds, nuttin' a bag...

Oh, how misty we get when we hear Mary Poppins sing "Feed the Birds...tuppence a bag..."

Well, my neighbor does it twice a week, but it doesn't even cost him that. Feed the birds garbage! Nuttin' a bag! Nuttin'! Nuttin'! Nuttin' a baaaaaaaaaaggggg!!!

I'm not sure that he is aware that he is putting out a crow smorgasbord when he dumps the plastic bags rather than using a garbage can. Our trash guys are pros, and they carry a shovel on the truck, so he probably never sees what happens after he leaves for work. And I don't think the trash guys have the time or the inclination to leave notes that say, "Hey, schmuck! Get your cheap fat ass down to the Home Depot and buy a stinkin' Rubbermaid can, will ya? Because next week we're leaving this mess and adding a few things off the truck to it, too, stoopid."

I would, but they may be too busy or too polite.

In the winter you can get away with dumping bags, as long as it's early in the morning, because the raccoons and bears and nocturnal things are usually done for the night by then. And it's too dark for the scavenger birds. But in the spring? It's like McDonald's, IHOP, and the Waffle House rolled into one for the Crow-American population.

I'm not too wild on feeding birds anyway. Anyone who's ever gotten pigeon-bombed knows that this morning's act of charity turns into this afternoon's ranch dressing for the hair. 

Of course, teenagers are a lot like birds in that regard, and it's against the law to not feed them. Maybe that's why Mary Poppins checked out while the kids were still small. 

UPDATE: He denies it, but I'm pretty sure I just heard Mr. Philbin singing, "Feed the birds buckets of trash... Buckets! Buckets! Buckets of trash!"