Mow down.

Mowing the lawn in August is a most unrewarding task.

I've waxed philosophic on lawns many times. I've waxed philosophic on lawns more often than I've ever waxed cars or waxed floors.

Mowing in the late spring seems to come around every two days, but when you're done everything looks great.* In August? Unless you've got a sprinkler system---or one sprinkler and a tiny patch of grass---and you don't might large water bills, by mid August the grass has pretty much packed it in, it's dormant, it's dead, it's done, it's gone on holiday and is singing "See You in September." But the weeds are humming right along. So August mowing is a matter of leveling the weeds so they are the height of the dead grass. When you're done stick a toothpick in yourself and if it comes out clean, you're done too.

My next house is going to have one sprinkler and a tiny patch of grass, and I'm going to hire a guy with a lawn tractor to mow it while I sit inside and loll about like Rich Uncle Pennybags. Tractor Guy can paint my white picket fence, too.

*For two days.

The tragic garden.

I don't know what it is, but I have no gift for gardening. I come from city people who could make plastic flowers bloom, but out here in the sun and fresh air of the lovely Hudson Valley, I could kill crabgrass---provided the crabgrass thought I was trying to cultivate it. There's clearly some plant psychology going on here.

Even the bugs are critics.

The worst offender is the lawn itself, or as I call it, The Clover Hill Dandelion Preserve. I think it may be trying to kill me. If so, it is doing a pretty decent job. It sees me walking around on top of it, and has decided it would rather have me resting below it.

We had lots of rain so far this spring, which you'd think would help. Sure has! The mushrooms have never been more varied, plentiful, or (educated guess here) poisonous.

Everything I plant becomes a problem. Unless it's considered an invasive species, it's probably going to turn into a lump of nothing. If it does start to grow, it will choke something more expensive. And if it wins out against all odds, a plucky little ficus battling through to be a new plant or tree and bring joy for generations, I'll probably run over it accidentally with the lawn mower.

Plants I Have Cultivated:

Ginkgo Bloba
Crap Myrtle
Impatience
Dianus
Begone-ia
Morning Gory
Callous Lilies
Nausturtium
Argh-ugula
Rudeabega
Agave Up
Arch Anemones
Hellebacks
Skevia
Hostals
Pink Tarnations
Marjoramistake
Thyme Out Of Mynde
Rottenest Island Pine
Whatsit Torreya
Honeysuck
Krudzu

I'm sure there is lots and lots more garbage I can try to grow, and will likely get the same results. Stay tuned!