Camp songs.

My wife and I got into a scriptural disagreement the other morning, because we are highly educated Catholics and do that sort of thing, you know. I made a passing reference to the fact that some Bible translations of Genesis say it was gopherwood from which Noah built his famous ark, although other scholars are uncertain what gopherwood is, and some think it was cypress. Mrs. K disagreed; in her studies she was informed that the ark was actually built of "sticks and barky barky."

Her source for this was, of course, sleepaway camp, where she was taught the following 'round the ol' campfire:

So Noah, he built him, he built him an arky arky
Noah, so Noah, he built him an arky arky
Made it out of sticks and barky barky
Children of the Lord

You can see how difficult it is to argue against evidence like that. But it didn't end there. When I mentioned that in the book of Jonah, chapter 2, the reluctant prophet was swallowed not by a whale but by a "great fish," I was rebutted again with a different song:

Jonah Jonah Jonah
In the belly of a whale...

Obviously camp songs have a lot of misinformation about scripture. So I decided that I would write a biblically accurate camp song.

I don't have the melody -- heck, we don't know if anyone's actually going to a summer camp this year -- but I came up with lyrics about King Saul and his anger at David. It goes a little something like this:

Old King Saul was jealous
Because David was so zealous
And he saw him as a rival to the throne (boom boom)
Saul's son Jack said "You should beat it
Or my pop will make you eat it"
David thought he would leave well enough alone (boom boom)

(Chorus) And Saul chased David here
And then Saul chased David there
From Keillah down to Nob 
King Saul he chased that little slob
Mighty Saul chased little David everywhere! (boom boom)

Angry Saul he then killed thousands
As he pushed through towns and mountains
Hoping that he would at last chop David's head (boom boom)
But then David got the jump and
As old Saul, he took a dump, and
David cut a piece of kingly robe instead (boom boom)

(Chorus)

Then once more they went to Ziph
And David had a great epiph-
-Any to scare off Saul by leaving him his spear (boom boom)
When Saul saw it by his head
And realized Dave could leave him dead
He said, "Okay, Dave, I'm buggin' out of here" (boom boom)

(Chorus)

There. I hope at least the kids will get this story right.

Next up, my camp song about how David arranged for Uriah to get killed so he could make whoopee with Bathsheba. Arky arky indeed!

Butchery and s'mores.

One of the great things about camping, as viewed from the sporting goods section of Walmart at least, is the confluence of (A) the sheer man-vs.-nature kill-or-be-killed tooth-and-claw struggle for survival and (B) s'mores.

On the right you have a machete and a giant Bear Grylls murder knife; on the left, a s'mores grill and a long BBQ fork for your wienie roast. Because God forbid you should use a stick.

That's the thing about camping: it means totally different things to different people. For some it means parachuting into the deepest wilderness with only a Swiss Army knife and a roll of floss; for others, it means packing up an RV larger than their home and parking in a spot with every conceivable hookup, including WiFi and cable. For me, it means staying home and watching National Geographic network until I have to lie down.

(Actually, for Eddie "Bear" Grylls it also may mean that, at least according to one controversy.)

I've never watched Discovery's Naked and Afraid, but I'm told that people who sign on for the show frequently have to be evacuated for medical attention following exposure, illness, or eating things that have been dead a bit too long.

All of which is why, despite its many flaws, I'm a big fan of civilization. (In your FACE, Rousseau.) I'm voting we keep civilization going for a while. I don't think many of us would last long without it. As for the preppers awaiting doomsday, should that fateful day arrive I doubt they'll be able to kill enough of the rest of us to hold on to all their stores until---well, whatever their endgame is. Until civilization arises anew? Until everyone else is dead? Until they die of natural causes?

I'm going to have a little faith in civilization and lean toward the s'mores side rather than the machete side. Although you never know when a machete could come in handy. You might have to fight off Bear Grylls when he's trying to use all the ice in the ice machine to fill his cooler. Back, you heathen bastard! Don't you see the sign? No filling of coolers!