Sodastream, R.I.P.

I'm done with Sodastream.

The Christmas ads are going to start up again soon. Unless you live right in a major city -- and only 31% of Americans live in a city at all -- do not be tempted to buy the Sodastream for yourself or anyone else. Regret will follow.

I say all this with pain because Santa gave it to me as a present, and I really enjoyed it. I would hate to make Santa think I did not appreciate it. In the four years plus since I first blogged about it, and the six months before that, I really did.

But, no more.

Because you can't use your Sodastream to make soda without the gas cartridge.

When I got the machine, you could get refills on the gas cartridge at Staples, Walmart, and Best Buy, all pretty close to me in one of those big retail complexes that are taking the place of shopping malls. (Sodastream's site at the time said our Target also had the refills, but if that had been the case it was not by the time I got mine. They only sold soda flavors and bottles.) In a year or so Walmart decided not to stock the cartridges for exchange anymore, as I was informed by a cranky woman at the customer service desk. Then last year Best Buy's geniuses decided they too were getting out of the refill game. Both these outfits were happy to sell the supplies, but didn't want to be bothered with the cartridge exchange program.

Staples was the only one left. They're still the only one left. Or so they say. But in the last six weeks I've been there with my empty cartridge three times and they amazingly never have replacements. "They'll be here in a couple of weeks," the store manager said. "That's what I heard two weeks ago," I replied. So yesterday, when I called it quits, I handed my empty cartridge to the Staples manager and said, "Thanks, I'm going home to throw my machine away." And I did.

Canned soda. Ha ha. Never mind.

I think it's clear that Sodastream is not able to make the incentives strong enough to keep retailers in the game. They don't dare. As it is, you don't save a dime on soda by using Sodastream; even assuming the startup costs are amortized to virtually nothing over the life of the machine, the cost of the gas and the cost of the soda flavors easily equal what you'd spend buying soda in the store. The pitch they make is the convenience of not having to lug bottles around. If they raised the price of the gas to make the exchange program more lucrative to retailers, their soda would be way more expensive than store-bought soda. Nothing is cheap as it is -- flavor bottles are $6, refilled cartridges are $15 (25 cents per liter, if you get all the gas out of the cartridge, which you don't), and if you want extra bottles to make the stuff in, those are $20 (regular plastic bottles will explode). DigitalTrends did the math and it doesn't look good. And it's not like Sodastream sells artisanal soda, worth the extra money.

By the way, you can't use store-bought seltzer or club soda to make Sodastream soda. I mean, you can, and I've been trying to use up my last bottle of Diet Lemon-Lime flavor this way, but it has inadequate fizz and it goes flat very quickly.

I wrote to the company in the middle of August to complain about the lack of retailers participating in the exchange program. "We apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced," was the reply. "We understand your frustration of not being able to obtain CO2 exchanges at your local store. Unfortunately, SodaStream does not have the ability to maintain retailer inventory levels as our retailers select and manage their own inventory. We appreciate your letting us know about this incident and we will be sure to contact the store on your behalf to assist with ordering more inventory if possible" (emphasis added). I did, and you see how well it went.

It would appear that other stores farther from me are also getting away from the game; the Bed Bath &  Beyond 16 miles away also no longer does the refills. As near as I can tell, I would have to drive more than fifty miles to get a refill on the cartridge now. That is not going to happen.

If you live in Manhattan, you can have gas cartridges delivered to your door on the exchange program. I guess other cities might offer that as well. If you're anywhere from the outer boroughs on out, don't get the Sodastream. If you're among the 69% of us in the suburbs or the country, forget it.

I can't see how the company is going to continue in the United States with this business model. The company stock has been doing well in the last few years, but I can't be the only person to whom this is happening. If I had Sodastream stock I'd dump it.

SodaSCREAM.

As I've mentioned before, I'm the guy who got a SodaStream for Christmas a few years ago and is still using it to this day. I know you were wondering who it was. Yes, it is I.

But SodaStream has pulled a shenanigan I do not like. Normally I don't mind a shenanigan or two. A good shenanigan is just fine with me, in fact. But this one, I don't cotton to, no sir.

On the left is one of the older 16.9-oz. bottles of the SodaStream syrup (what they call soda mix). On the right is one of the new 14.8-oz. bottles. Naturally, they are sold for the same price. So now you get 2.1 fewer ounces.

Is the taste any better? Not that I can tell.

Countertop beverage production has become a jungle. No, really. I had heard a rumor that SodaStream was hoping to get bought up by Keurig, inventor of the K-cup, but Keurig rebuffed them, electing to come out with the Keurig Kold. The latter had one huge advantage over SodaStream: brand-name sodas. (Sodastream has had Kool-Aid and Crystal Light and Ocean Spray flavors, but not big soda names like Coke and Dr Pepper.) And now, Sodastream has countered by making a deal with Pepsi and making a machine that works similar to the K-cup for it.

All this fighting has got to cost big money, and that's why I'm getting gypped 2.1-oz. on every new bottle. Plus, the new measuring cap is a little larger; the old cap was marked to hold just under a 1/4 cup per 1L bottle; now you're expected to use a full 1/4 cup per bottle. So you would go through the soda mix faster even if they hadn't knocked 2.1 ounces off the size.

Why does SodaStream have to balance its books on my back? And considering what we drop on K-cups around this place, I feel like I'm being taxed to pay both sides in this war.

What's that? I could drink water? Tap water?

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

I'm the guy who's still using his Sodastream!

Yes, you knew there was a guy who got a Sodastream for Christmas and was still using it, and I'm proud to say it's me!

It's mine and you can't have it.

I was quite happy when Santa left me the Sodastream, because I'd been wanting to try one, but it's the kind of thing I would never buy myself. There were a couple of reasons:

1. There are far more gizmos for kitchen counters than there are kitchen counters. Millions of Ronco products migrate to closets because of that and never see the light of day again.

2. Products like this come and go as a fad, and if you really like it and the whole thing fails, you can't get the refills. Sometimes it doesn't matter because you don't have to get dedicated products, like the wok fad in the 80's. The father of a friend of mine got a wok and started wokking everything in sight. The cat wouldn't go in the kitchen anymore. But suppose the whole Keurig thing had bottomed out and you couldn't get the K-Cups---it would have been a disaster for people who had the machines. (Yes, I know you can use regular coffee in the reusable K-Cup but no one does.)

3. My main motivator for a purchase like this is to save money, but it never works. Homebrewing produces quality beer at a higher price than you would pay for quality beer from the craft-beer store, for one example. The Ronco Home Cheesery doesn't save you money with homemade Gouda. (Well, if it existed, it wouldn't.) And while Sodastream's Web site puts in a plug for value, I don't think they're serious. Its TV ads don't pretend you'll save money on soda. They stress that you won't have to haul home the bottles. After buying the carbonation canisters and the syrups, I figure I break even.

4. Sometimes the novelty product just doesn't work, or produces something so awful its mother would disavow it.

And that brings us to the review. Do I like the Sodastream? Yes, I do, which is why I've used it for six months continuously, and why I've put up with idiot kids at Best Buy to get refill cartridges, and why I've scoured Best Buy and Walmart and Bed Bath and Beyond and so on, looking for flavors I want to try.

To Bed, Bath . . . and Beyoooooonnnnd

And I like soda.

But do I like THIS soda?

Yes and no. Bear in mind that I seldom drink sugared soda as we go to the reviews:

Plain seltzer: I like plain soda water, or using it to add a touch of fruit juice or some MiO flavor or something. Carbonate some tap water with the Sodastream and you're in business.

Diet orange soda: Very good. Like a good store-brand orange soda.

Diet ginger ale: Ditto.

Diet root beer: Also good.

Diet Dr. Pete: Sodastream's answer to Diet Dr Pepper; quite tasty.

Diet cola: Tastes like licking a manhole cover. Like many store-brand colas, the cola taste in the Sodastream colas is horrible. At least the diet stuff. That goes for their diet cola, diet cola with lime, diet "free" cola (Coke Zero knockoff).

Diet Fountain Mist: This Mountain Dew imitator is pretty grim, although I found that mixing it with other flavors improves it. They could hardly make it worse. Or could they?

Diet energy drink: They did! Are regular energy drinks like Red Bull this nasty? God help us, this stuff is such a foul, sickly brew you'd think it had better cure malaria or something. Bleccch.

Diet Ocean Spray cranberry: Very nice, actually. A five-calorie beverage with a refreshing fruit flavor.

Diet tonic water: I liked it. Mrs. Key hated it. Did not try it with gin. A little lime juice is a nice touch, though.

Part of the problem with some of these is that they make them with Sucralose or even worse, Stevia. I've tried the Diet Coke Sweetened with Sucralose and found it weird, and the same thing is going on here. They treat it like it's a good thing to not use aspartame, but I much prefer it to Sucralose. Maybe you can't make soda syrup with aspartame.

And Stevia is like the annoying neighbor who thinks he's an environmentalist because he drives a Subaru and likes to show off his grungy toes in his mandals. Let's just leave that there.

Anyway, looking forward to trying the Diet Cream, various sparkling teas, Diet Crystal Light Fruit Punch, and Diet Lemon-Lime. Can't find the Diet Cream---another problem with the product is actually finding the varieties.