Out for a JOG.

Another trash day, another chance to play JOG, or Judging Others' Garbage. And we have some good ones today! 

Uh-oh! A mirror! Notice that the owner carefully places it out on the curb. He does not want to be cut to bloody ribbons by shattered glass. But he's perfectly fine with letting the garbagemen take the chance. After all, they use one of those rear-loader trucks that periodically require shuffling garbage into the interior, which means there's got to be shattered glass involved at some point. Good luck, trashmen! 

I suppose I could mention that this also will subject the garbagemen to seven years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. Why seven years? Well, according to Barry Markovsky at the University of South Carolina, the Greeks and Romans had various superstitions related to a person's reflection, and when the Romans developed quality glass mirrors, they transferred the bad-luck juju to the breaking of the reflective surface. It should have meant bad luck for life, but the Romans also "believed that the body renewed itself every seven years," so there was a statute of limitations. Which is interesting, because in fact all the atoms in the human body are replaced in seven years (most in the first year), and yet the human consciousness continues seamlessly, which makes it seem like the Romans were onto something. 

Man, Bumble's had it. I've seen him around for years, but he's toast. Him and his empty box of Christmas cheer. And you know why? Because if you look closely, you'll see that Hermy did not remove the teeth of this Bumble. That's right -- because he was not rendered harmless, Yukon Cornelius had to kill this Bumble. Blew his arm right off. It's too sad. I can't go on. 

Quoting from the town's announcement vis-a-vis furniture: "Bulk/Large Item pick-up begins the 1st Thursday in April; it will end the last Friday in December 2023." Yeah, but this is just one little chair, right? They can squeeze that in. Sure, they can. Or at least, after you've polished off that case of Stella you probably would think so. 

So there I go again, Judgey McGarbageface, judging everyone's poor refuse behavior. What are you putting out on YOUR curb? 

I like me too.

In 1821, Percy Bysshe Shelley wrote that "poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world," then presumably coughed a little and raised his eyebrows, looking around with a smile.

I'm not sure that poets have the clout anymore to make statements like that. But that's just fine -- there are plenty of other vocations in which the practitioners have a self-regard that would make Caligula seem like a shy, modest type. 

"Little ol' me? I'm just a kindly 
emperor, trying to help the people."

Journalists seem to have an enormous self-regard. Maybe they always did, feeling that with the power of their words they were able to assume an authority that required neither education nor invention, just the vote of the public when it purchased the newspaper. Since Watergate, their self-regard as truthtellers in a corrupt world has inflated as respect for the profession and evidence of its independence has cratered. Reporters on the whole seem to be happy lapdogs for the people they like, covering up things here and attacking on command there, whose mistrust by the public grows daily. (Was anyone surprised when the Newseum closed?) And yet if you read a book by a reporter on reporting, he'll tell you that he's not important, the story is, and also, ME ME ME. It's a tour de force of the author's humblebrag, with a few lectures on his Journalistic Ethics tossed in. 

Saints never tell you they're saints. 

Perhaps this egotism is purposeful puffery for journalists, designed to dispel the creeping fear that they really are useless loudmouths. Could be. 

Teachers have really gotten out in front of their skis on this one as well. Yes, they are important for the education of our children (when they do it), and most teachers I know are great people who love what they do. But when did some of them begin to think they were more important than the children's own families? While it's true that a bad family can turn out a bad kid, one bad teacher can corrupt a whole passel of them. Ironically, a little humility goes a long way to earning respect and trust. 

Sometimes I get the feeling too many of them took Plato's Republic seriously, thinking that philosophers ought to be the monarchs and children should be taken from their parents for education. They ought to remember that it might be a nice place to visit, but they wouldn't want to live there. 

Money handlers as a class do not consider their large sums of money adequate recompense for their work. They also demand the respect of the public for the genius that they possess. If you were smart, you'd be rich too! seems to be the thought. They needn't worry -- rich people will always get their tuchuses polished by those who want to know their secrets. They never have to see the disdain of those who find their egoism tiresome, their methods dubious, their gospel damaging. They never have to hear the moans of those who despise how they use their cash for charitable purposes and have to live with the consequences. 

Politicians are and have always been the worst of the lot, able to convince themselves of the good they are doing while stuffing their pockets and crushing the lives of citizens they are meant to serve. I'll give them this -- if people were always coming to my door and begging me for special favors, I'd begin to think less of humanity as a whole. Perhaps that's the best argument for term limits -- as a means of preventing cynicism and hatred among the ruling class.

Successful actors and other performers are perhaps the most revolting of them all. The love of the fans ought to be enough, but the appetite of the ego grows with the feeding. They must be world-changers as well and loved for it. It usually makes them pretty tools for the faddish fanatism of the day. This would be harmless, but it inevitably requires telling us little people what we ought to be doing. Yeah, we all just love that.  

And what of the humble novelist, who sweats away in his little garret, chipping away at his stories like a sculptor trying to draw the angel from the coarse stone? Like moi, in other words? Do we not think that we are hot stuff, and expect to be respected for it? 

Meh -- not me. As with poets, maybe there was a time when the novelist was a person of some societal rank. A million lousy novels and a million good but forgotten books since, those days are gone. Now only a pinpoint of wildly successful and wealthy authors would expect that kind of obsequiousness, and they fall into the money handlers category. The rest of us prefer love to respect. (Although a little money is nice, too.) 

21 years of bad luck.

My wife got a new vanity, which means she has a much nicer place to apply her makeup and such. So the mirror over the old bureau was sentenced to the trash collectors.

It's one of those trifold mirrors, so you can be discouraged by your reflection in three different angles. 

You know the type.

I've mentioned before that our garbagemen will take anything -- anything but a solid-iron basketball hoop bracket, that is. It's the only thing I have seen them refuse. So I duly schlepped the mirror(s) out to the curb for pickup. 

But then the old paganistic superstitious side of me piped up and said, "They're gonna bust that mirror. Are you consigning them to seven years of bad luck? No, wait, twenty-one years? Or will it just redound to you, since you're the one making them do it?"  

So then I wondered how we got into the superstition about broken mirrors and the very specific sentence of seven years' bad luck for the crime. 

According to an article by the University of South Carolina's Barry Markovsky, Romans first made mirrors from polished metals and "believed their gods observed souls through these devices. To damage a mirror was considered so disrespectful that people thought it compelled the gods to rain bad luck on anyone so careless." As for the seven years, Romans "believed that the body renewed itself every seven years," so once your body had been replaced entirely from the time of the breakage, you would be a new person and unbound by your disrespectful act. 

Were the Romans nutty about this? Maybe they were just off by a few years. You may have heard the estimate that 98 percent of our body's atoms are replaced every year, and if you want to go down the quantum rabbit hole on this, be my guest. I ain't got time for that now. 

I can only say that I don't believe the Roman gods are watching me through the mirror, so I eschew the notion that I'm going to have bad luck until 2043 if those three mirrors break. In fact, I'd wager that if I do have bad luck until then, it’s just my own bad karma, that's all. 

Memotus to Parentus.

[Another "classic" from the old, nonfunctional Fred site.]

Dear Parents, Guardians, and Other Patroni:

We're all very excited for the new Varsity Gladiator season! I know you parents are almost as thrilled as your kids. And hello all you newcomers!

Meet the gang!

First, we'd like to welcome back our returning students from last year. Congratulations once more to Cassio Regulus of Regio VI, champion of his division! Cassio, who returns as a senior this year, was a starting retiarius who went on to the City Finals. We were all rooting for him, but unfortunately he only got to the first round --- bad luck, Cassio! We weren't the only ones impressed with his performance, though, and we'll never forget the cheers of the crowd calling to spare his life. Thumbs-up, Cass!

For incoming freshmen, we'll be running tryouts starting on Sextilis VII at IX o'clock. If you can bring your own equipment that's great, but an assortment of swords, armor, tridents, nets, shields, daggers, and other sporting goods will be available. While we're at it, let's give a quick shout-out to Mr. Cestus, our equipment manager, for keeping everything neat and clean. Great job, Benny!

We have heard some talk about only fast guys or strong guys making the squad, but folks, let me remind you that the beauty of this sport is that every type has an advantage, and our mission is to bring that out. We want to build strong children, but we mostly want to build strong character. Our program is grounded in a commitment to making men out of boys through fear and pain. Some call us old-fashioned. We like to remind them, though, that, as they say, the Battle of Alesia was won on the playing fields of Capua. The boys who survive our program today will be the men that beat the excrementum out of the Celts tomorrow.

On a more serious note, we would like to remind parents that while it is crucial to support their children in their athletic endeavors, we would really like to not have a repeat of the embarrassing incidents that marred our season last year. Of course we are referring to the riot following Principal Atticus's decision after the Aurelius/Carpus match. It was a fair fight and Carpus brought shame to himself. Parents need to understand that not every call is going to go their way. And please, this year, leave all cutlery at home!

Fees for students admitted to the program will be due on Sextilis XXVIII. Please make sure payment is on time and in the form of bronze.

Thanks, everybody.  and let's make this a bloody great season!

Morior Invictus,

Coach Felix Flavius

Imperial School 45

"Morituri te salutant!"

Gladiators Demand New Colosseum.

ROME, JULIUS 2, CXXIII (AP) -- The Gladiators of Rome made a formal demand yesterday for a new amphitheater, citing "barbaric conditions" in the current Flavian structure.

"We understand that this so-called Colosseum was constructed at tremendous expense to the Roman taxpayer," said head gladiator Scarrus Maximus, the survivor of XIII bouts, speaking for the team, "but the current amphitheater is more than XL years old now, and showing its age. We think we, our fans, and the citizens of the Roman Empire deserve a better venue for our battles to the death."

Scarrus, a Secutor on the team and a graduate of Aurelius Scaurus, sent his statement to Emperor Hadrian and the Senate, as he was unable to personally address the government at the Forum, being lowly slave scum.

Among the demands from the Gladiators in their proposed new "state of the art amphitheater" are:

- Luxury boxes for the ladies in the maenianium summum in ligneis level
- Reinstatement of the navy battles from the pre-hypogeum days
- Vino fountains
- More chariot parking with room for horsegating parties
- Picnicus area
- Separate dressing rooms for fighters, convicts, and Christian martyrs
- More pleasant Porta Libitina for dead gladiators to be dragged out through
- Flag signalling (for thumbs up, down, and new sideways option)
- Fresh sand every I to II weeks
- Valerium that covers the infield
- Reinstatement of Taco Tuesday

It is well known that Alexandria has expressed interest in becoming the new hometown to the Gladiators, and has announced plans for a major new amphitheater of its own.

Emperor Hadrian, traveling in Cappadocia, was unavailable to comment, but a spokesman said the Emperor was "glad to accept the concerns of our combatants" and he would "probably crucify the lot if they don't knock it off."

Speaking through a representative, and the iron bars on his cell, Scarrus told AP, "The government is being short-sighted about this old pile of travertine. Senātus Populusque Rōmānus deserve better. But these guys act like they think this place is going to stand for MM years or something."