Will Fred survive this burger?

The current CEO of McDonald's, Christopher Kempczinski, made internet infamy a couple of weeks back with what seems to be an ill-considered video of him trying the company's Big Arch, their most enormous hamburger to date, I believe. From most accounts (such as this one) it did not go too well. Mr. Kempczinski seems to be a man in good shape, one who does a lot of aerobic activity -- for all I know he rides a bike to work. He does not, in fact, look like someone who has ever set foot in a McDonald's restaurant. 

By contrast, when Donald Trump took a turn making fries and working the window of a McDonald's in 2024, he looked like he fit right in. 

But while Kempczinski was battered with many jests and parody videos, if his intention was to get people to hear about the Big Arch, he did succeed. The large burger is decribed thus: "two quarter-pound beef patties, three slices of white cheddar cheese, crispy onions, slivered onions, pickles, and a tangy new 'Big Arch sauce' on a sesame-and-poppy-seed bun." Available for a limited time.

Well, on Monday, because we had no time to cook, and we were out later than hoped, the mrs. and I decided to pick up a quick dinner to go from McD's. Even though I was not ravenous, I was curious, and I felt a little bad for the CEO, so I decided to try the monster sandwich. 

Buckle up! 

 

We start right off with the weird hybrid bun -- an holy marriage of sesame and poppy seeds. As neither of these provide much flavor, it seems like McDonald's is just showing off here. Julia Child once complained that the Big Mac had too much bread, and the Big Arch is also bread heavy (although lacking the center slice of the Mac). But I love bread, so no complaints on that score. 

As we take a much more considerable bite than the CEO did, we note that the "Arch Sauce" is not related to the "Dijonaisse" sauce from the failed Arch Deluxe of thirty years gone. This has a more orange look, a bit darker than the Special Sauce of the Big Mac but with a similar flavor. Maybe a little paprika makes the difference. 

(Notice I got the small fries with this burger rather than my usual medium fries; got to watch my figure, you know.)

I would say that if you like the way McDonald's makes hamburgers, this is that but more of it. I could have used more pickles to brighten it up, but that may have been an assembly line error. The crispy onions were tasty but kinda soggy. Since they were cooked, though, they were less gassy than raw onions.

So, I give the Big Arch the conditional thumb's-up.

The CEO claimed he was going to eat his Big Arch for lunch, but I would doubt that even if he had taken a real, manly bite instead of a nibble. I would never get a Big Arch for a meal if I had to be alert afterward. With a reported caloric load of 1,020–1,057 kcal, I would be much more inclined to take a nap.

I did feel afterward like I had consumed the tire off a city bus, and in fact still felt that way in the morning. But I'm no hungry teen -- and I knew some teen athletes in my youth who probably could have eaten two of these with fries and a shake, then wanted dessert. I'm well past that kind of chowhoundery. 

For the record, as hefty as the Big Arch is, it contains fewer calories than Five Guys' Bacon Cheeseburger (1,060), Wendy's Triple (1,195), or Applebee's O-M-Cheese Burger (1,900). That last one is in a class by itself, I think. So while large, and too much for lunch, the Big Arch is hardly the Godzilla-size sandwich it's made out to be. But it ain't health food, and the American Heart Association is probably devoting a page to it on its website as I write.

Advertising.

 

Hack, cough.

Remember a few weeks ago when I got the first cold I've had in years? I think it has been more than six years, and freelancing from home may be the main reason I've been lucky. Then again, there are 100+ rhinoviruses out there, and maybe when you live long enough, Nature has trouble pulling one out the file that you're not immune to. 

It was a good run, so I suffered the cold with some gratitude. Well, last weekend I was at a meeting in church, crammed into a small classroom, and one of the attendees mentioned that he was supposed to be on an airplane that very minute but because he and his wife got sick, the kids said to stay away from the grandkids. 

So he came to the meeting instead. 

Guess what?

Yep, sick again.

THANKS, TYPHOID MIKE

Of course this has turned into a busy week, workwise; it couldn't have happened last week when things were slow, no. 

It was too hot to make a frozen pizza yesterday -- the extent of my cooking abilities -- so I was dispatched to McDonald's to get eats. After all, the Grimace Era of the Mets has continued, so I wanted to show my reciprocal support. When I got home, I started pulling in the garage and -- nothing. Car stalled. Check Engine light came on. 

Well, as King Claudius says, "When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions." And he wound up dead, so there you are. 

It could be something simple, like maybe they forgot to put oil in during my oil change a couple of weeks ago. (It's been known to happen.) Or it could be the end of the line for my car. Still, I was able to kick it over and pull into the garage, that CE light taunting me as I did. I'm really glad I didn't get stuck in the McDonald's parking lot. I have AAA membership, but it's like life insurance -- you never really want to need it. 

So that's what's happening. I hope to have a better entry tomorrow or Thursday. We'll just have to see how it goes. Unless like Claudius one of the sorrows comes at me with a sharp poisoned pointy thing. Then I won't be around to blog about it. 

Weekend report.

1) I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to post on Father's Day yesterday, but I hope all you dads had a good one. It was a great opportunity to tell Dad Jokes™ without reprisal. You know who you are. (And who you are is PL Woodstock.) 

My late dad had a great sense of humor in terms of getting and enjoying jokes, but he could not tell a joke for beans. He either started laughing before getting to the punchline, or he forgot part of the setup and had to backtrack, or he felt he had to explain the joke in case you didn't get it (but you did). Well, he was omnicompetent otherwise, so not being Shecky Dad did not rise to the level of a character weakness. I miss him. 

2) Last Wednesday, McDonald's beloved shake-enjoying blob Grimace celebrated his 53rd birthday by throwing out the first pitch at Citi Field. Since then the Beloved Mets have won five games in a row. Fans are calling this the Grimace Era. Plans for a Grimace statue have been discussed. It could stand next to the Seaver statue outside the park.

I'm not saying that there's any connection to the winning streak. After all, the games have been at home against the woeful Mariners and the struggling Padres. But maybe…

None of this would have happened if Grimace had not changed his ways, from the evil four-armed milk shake glutton to Ronald McDonald's two-armed dopey purple pal. Recovery works! 

I would like to see if we could sign Grimace as a bullpen coach. Maybe get some of the others involved. Mayor McCheese could help calm things down in the front office, where they've been getting frantic as the trade deadline gets closer. Hamburglar could work as the base running coach. He's an expert in steals. 

But no Ronald. We’ve had enough clowns.

3) Yesterday I took some Windex to the glass-top table on the porch. Not the first time this spring. I couldn't believe how thick the layer of pollen on it was. It was like pond scum. You would need a paint scraper to write "Wash Me" on it.

If you live in the northeast United States and you think this is a bad allergy season, you are right. But you are not entitled to compensation. 

'Tis cursed, I tell ye!

Aye, no' since the theft o' the great six-foot hairy caber of Clan MacReekie by the Sassenach English has there been such a crime! 

Sure'n the thievery of the treasure of the cursed clan of Dumbarton will make the very hair tremble on yer backside! For naught less than the very Treasure o' Clan McRib has been stolen! 

An' it's said he who dares open the chest o' the McRib clan faces a frightening, fearsome fate!

Cursed or not, the McRib sandwich has returned! McDonald's announced that stores across the fruited plain would once again feature the pork barbecue delight, and indeed it proved the case at our very own branch. 

The McRib may be the most divisive offering McDonald's has -- people either love it with a devotion that inspires a worldwide McRib tracker, or hate it with the heat of a white-hot sun. The latter people are wrong. Or thus says my family -- for me and mine, we'll have the McRib! And fries, thanks.

Yes, it's a barbecue patty shaped like ribs, with fresh onions and half-dill slices. If it were available all the time, I suspect opinions wouldn't be quite so ferocious. Although these days everything seems to spark ferocious fighting. That's why I'm not on Twitter. 

Most people who are old enough to remember do agree on one thing, though -- that the McDonald's fries are not as good as they were thirty years ago. That's when the company yielded to pressure from proto-Karens and took the beef tallow out of the formula. As if any vegetarian really wanted to eat at McDonald's but was stopped by those doggone meaty fries.

If you are one of those who remember the original McD fries, or are just tallow-curious, I recommend Luke Fater's article "My Hunt for the Original McDonald's French-Fry Recipe" in Atlas Obscura. Fater's obsession led him on a voyage of discovery, God bless him, which eventually brought him to what he says is a home version of the original long-lost corporate recipe for McDonald's fries. 

I would try that. I might yet. 

But to be honest, if the McRib recipe were lost, I don't think I'd try to re-create it. I like the McRib a lot, but any barbecue sandwich will quell the hankering. McD's original fries, though -- they're worth going to trouble for.  

Sweet eats.

I'm trying to give up sweets this Lent, except for an upcoming birthday party for which Pope Me has already given dispensation. Still, that's going to mean an unusually long time for me to go without sugar. Can I survive without this key food group?

Meanwhile, though, I can live on the ghost of sugars past, like:

I've ridden Oreos' case for their weird varieties in recent times, such as the Peeps Oreo and the Pop Rocks Oreo. But Pistachio?

Yep -- and although this photo doesn't show it too well, the filling is green.

I expected to dislike the Pistachio Oreo Thin and revolt against its nuttiness, but I was wrong. It's delicious. Chocolate and nuts are a great combo, although one sees the pistachio/chocolate duet far less often than, say, almond/chocolate. My wife was not so enthused about it, but I say, if you like Oreos and pistachios, you'll probably like these.

On the topic of Peeps, though: With Easter coming, the folks at Just Born continue to surprise us with new variations on the Peep theme:

The Orange Sherbet Peep (I always wants to spell "sherbet" as "sherbert") is an interesting take. The orange flavor is pleasant, not forceful like the "fruit" flavors of a Jolly Rancher. The marshmallow candy is usually improved by dipping in chocolate, which adds depth and texture; here they've used "crème flavored fudge," which is not just a sweet hit like white chocolate, but more milky. Really makes it a Creamsicle Peep. Good job, Peeps people.

Getting back to Oreos for a moment: One of the more successful Oreo types I reviewed in 2017 was the Dunkin' Donuts Mocha, and I mention that now because A) the spreading of the Dunkin' Donuts brand continues and B) they are clearly still determined to drop the Donuts from the name.

Yoplait released these four Dunkin' Donuts-inspired flavors, and I as much as I hate to keep on this positive note today, these are pretty good too. The French Vanilla Latte is excellent if you're a fan of coffee yogurts; the Apple Fritter has a strong and tasty apple flavor, like the classic Dannon Dutch Apple back in le jour. The Cinnamon Coffee Roll is flat-out cinnamon and nothing wrong with that. The Boston Cream may be the least successful, first because chocolate is not a great blend with yogurt, and second because the subtle flavor of Boston cream is lost in translation. Still good, though.

Anyway, if you want mild disappointment, I always say you can't beat a McDonald's shake. And now is the time of year to join Uncle O'Grimacey for a Shamrock Shake. 

Still minty. Still greener than the inside of a Pistachio Oreo Thin. McDonald shakes are okay if you're really jonesing for a shake, but there's very little ice cream texture or flavor to one; really, they're so marshmallowy they should work with Just Born on a line of Peeps shakes.

So that's my tour de sweets for now; although our Lenten sacrifices are not supposed to be for selfish reasons, I wouldn't mind if my pants fit better by Easter. I hope Pope Me won't mind.

Bananas.

So far this has been my week to blog about stuff seen while walking the dog -- hardly the first time. Today we have:

Ah, the humble banana peel, natural wrapper of delicious fruit, staple of silent and cartoon comedies. Just by the side of the road near my suburban home. The latest in a series.

I started to notice these gifts from the litterbugs popping up along the road a year or so ago and I couldn't understand why. Surely the kids today must be aware that the whole smoking-banana-peel thing was a joke, right? What other nefarious purposes would these children (for usually littering is done by young drivers) be putting bananas to? The mind reels.

Naturally it is a bad thing to throw banana peels around. Yes, they are biodegradable, but like all garbage they attract vermin. Plus, someone could slip!

A couple of years ago Mental Floss had a story on how banana peels became a comedy prop. It seems like a natural, as it is slippery and funny (even the word "banana" is funny). But other things are slippery; why the banana peel?

In a nutshell, bananas became an import fruit in the middle of the 19th century and, New York sanitation being what it was, the streets were soon littered with peels. Horrible injuries and -- oh, humanity -- comedy gold ensued: "Since the beginning of the 20th century, slipping on a banana peel has been a fixture in physical comedy. The slipping-and-falling gag is widely accepted to have originated on the Vaudeville stage." I'm glad the article mentioned Woody Allen's banana peel gag in the futuristic comedy Sleeper.

Speaking of futuristic stuff: The kids today claim to be all about the environment, and they ought to know that a company is planning to turn banana peels into clothing. So perhaps they should look into recycling their peels instead of heaving them out the car window.

I'm still not sure that the kids aren't doing some illicit banana-related activities in their vehicles, but I think they may just be eating the bananas. It's still an odd thing, though. I couldn't figure out why they would even have bananas on their evening jaunts.

"Hey, let's go to the bar and try to get in with fake ID." 

"Okay, let me get my bananas and we'll go." 

Didn't make sense.

It turns out that they may just be impulse purchases. The gas station down the street now sells bananas along with the usual snack crap at the register. Worse, the gas station that just opened less than a mile away is also selling bananas. I'd have thought it was a fig leaf, like the "health halo" of McDonald's selling salads, but it turns out to be popular. And the peels wind up on my block.

Thanks, gas stations, for reintroducing the injurious effects of the lowly banana peel. You'll be hearing from my lawyers as soon as I step on one.

Coffee wars.

For a while there it seemed that every cable show was about war. Cake Wars, Cupcake Wars, Storage Wars, Shipping Wars, Parking Wars, Undercover Boss Wars. Why there's been no Coffee Wars show I cannot say, because there are coffee wars and they are heating up, man.

Dunkin' Donuts like to say "America Runs on Dunkin'."

Here's the starting line.

But the number of stores make that claim a bit tenuous. Dunkin' is king in the northeast -- there are more than 500 in New York City alone -- but the almost 12,000 Starbucks in the U.S. is more than Dunkin' has worldwide. Foreign invaders like Tim Hortons and Second Cup, and victim of overexpansion Krispy Kreme, are always circling around, looking for weaknesses in the big guys.

Dunkin' may be #2 in the United States, but it is fighting back. I think it did a much better job at getting its coffee into supermarkets, although it was late to the K-Cup party. Now it's going after some of Starbucks' other supermarket money:

Bottled by Coca-Cola, the iced coffee drink -- a bargain at just 290 calories -- has started appearing in stores near me, anyway. I bought this one, cooled it in the fridge, and enjoyed it.

Sort of. I mean, it's very similar to the bottled Starbucks stuff, in that it's okay if you like milk flavored with a little coffee.

The craziest new weapon in the coffee wars is Dunkin' Donuts Pop-Tarts, a production with Kellogg's. These have latte-based flavors, and I guess are aimed at your older, more discriminating Pop-Tarts eater.

Not sure where this is all going, but I won't be surprised to see frozen Starbucks meatballs in my grocer's freezer.

While all this is happening, another fast food outfit has been sneaking its coffee products right into supermarkets -- McDonald's, under the McCafé brand. They won't bottle the Special Sauce but they'll do this.

I confess that Mickey D's coffee has gotten much better over the years; when I was a kid it was like hot water with a little dirt mixed in for flavor. With McD's 14,000+ U.S. locations, they could be the third-place coffee giant that changes the direction of the coffee wars.

Meanwhile, all is quiet on the tea front... TOO quiet...

Duck! Sauce!

We're going head-to-head here today on Vitamin Fred.

Toe-to-toe. Eyeball-to-eyeball. Mano-a-mano.

Sweet-&-sour-sauce to sweet-&-sour-sauce.

I had some left over from BK the other night when I came home with the McD stuff. So, McNuggets in hand, I thought I would taste test these two dipping sauces and see which chain restaurant had the better sauce.

Each is a little one-ounce bowl of sweet & sour (or, in McD parlance, sweet 'n sour), or what is often called duck sauce in the U.S. Let us peel the lids and see what's inside:

We see here that the Burger King sauce, on the right, is a darker and richer sauce, but let's not be too quick to judge. The proof of the sauce is in the dipping. I didn't read the labels to see what was in them, not before the initial dip.

I did find the BK sauce to have a slightly richer taste, with a bit of a molasses flavor. The McDonald's stuff was brighter, more citrusy, a bit more fruity and sweeter. Neither was bad---I did think the McD sauce has a bit of a thinner, less adult flavor, although it had some extra kick the BK one didn't have.

A comparison of the ingredients on the labels doesn't tell us too much. Death-dealing high fructose corn syrup is the #1 ingredient on the McD stuff, #2 on BK's (behind water, which is McD's #2). But I find I was right about one thing: BK's has molasses, but McD's doesn't. Both have distilled vinegar. Both have apricot puree, but they diverge on other fruits---peach for McD, pineapple for BK. BK also has red bell pepper. McD has sherry wine powder.

I don't have a sophisticated palate (oh, you didn't know?) so I couldn't have guessed what different ingredients accounted for the difference in the flavors. Frankly, I was amazed that they didn't taste the same.

I preferred the McDonald's, but it was close. The extra fruit flavor and added sweetness just worked for me on the chicken. My wife, on the other hand, in a blind taste test, gave the nod to the Burger King sauce. She preferred it for its more sour taste, with that bit of bitterness from the molasses.

It really is a matter of preferences. I prefer sweet things, so I married my wife. She prefers bitter, so she married me. C'est l'amour! Vive la différence! 

Because it's Friday.

The ad our parody was based on first aired eons before I entered the third grade; you can see an early ad with the jingle below. The schoolyard parody lasted long after McDonald's was on to other jingles. As Weird Al has proven, you can keep a song alive by making fun of it.

Peace, earth, love, ketchup.

So it's Earth Day, the day we celebrate dirt. And aren't we glad for it! Without dirt we would have nowhere to stand. Our houses would sink. Our roads would collapse. Hooray for dirt!

We should all stand shoulder to shoulder to fight the enemies of dirt. Take that, laundry detergent!

Yes, Earth Day is a day for brotherhood. And since National Brotherhood Week is no more, we seek some new period in which to get together and be brotherly. Earth Day is all we got. So today, like brothers, we should punch each other over whose turn it is to take out the trash.

No, we should all work hard to get along today. The International Day of Peace isn't until September 21, and by that time, especially with our national eagerness to give monstrous regimes their own atomic weaponry, we might all be dead. So let's celebrate now.

To that end I have tried my hand at peacemaking between mortal enemies, sworn foes dedicated to the destruction of each other. Of course, I refer to McDonald's and Burger King.

I thought we could start with condiments. As Julia A. Fletcher Carney once wrote,

Little deeds of condiments, little words of love,
Help to make earth happy like the heaven above.

Or something like that. 

Very standoffish at first, refusing to get together. Let's see if we can coax them out of their, uh, shells.

That's better! Mixed together we see that all packets bleed the same; there's no BK tomatoes, no McD tomatoes, just all our tomatoes. And we---

Uh-oh. Didn't see that coming.

Gulp.

Thoughts on the McDonald's drive thru.

What's so special about Special Sauce? Is it really that special? Isn't it just like mayonnaise with hypertension?

Sometimes they tell you to pay at the first window. Sometimes they tell you to pay at the second window. Do they not have adequate staff to keep the first window open all the time? Is it a crowd control mechanism?

I like pickles.

This line is taking a long time. Is someone up there waiting on an order of fries individually basted with Special Sauce? Because the other guys were always the "Have It Your Way" guys.

Not sure that that girl got my order right. She seemed to be a little distracted. I'm sure I heard giggling. My order was funny, but not that funny.

Speaking of funny: Do people really yell into the face of the clown at Jack in the Box? Maybe that used to be a thing but not anymore. Hard to believe that a modern chain would expect people to talk into a clown's face, except ironically.

Damn, what's going on up there? Someone interrogating the manager about the contents of the Special Sauce?

They sell Taco Bell condiments in the stores, and now McDonald's coffee, but not Special Sauce. Hmm.

About that clown thing -- let me check the phone... Nearest Jack in the Box is... 523 miles away. Shoot.

Do I know anyone who lives in California who would know about shouting into the clown? Lots of Jack in the Boxes in California.

Or would that be Jacks in the Box?

I know I was hungry when I got on this line. Not so hungry now. Did I eat something without thinking?

Is there relish in Special Sauce? I may be onto something here. This could blow the lid off the whole Special Sauce cartel.

Did I swallow my gum? Maybe that's why I'm less hungry.

Jacks in the Boxes, maybe?

You'd expect giggling if you were giving your order through a clown head.

I'm almost sure I wasn't chewing gum.

Could I pull off the line? I could have driven to the nearest Jack in the Box by now.

Wait -- that Odyssey is getting two... three... four bags... tray of drinks... Okay, he's the bastard who's holding up the line. Everyone stare daggers!

Now I'm hungry again. Those pickles sure are tasty.