Going Fourth!

I often opine on Independence Day as an inspiring holiday for our nation, but today I found myself thinking about it as the thing itself and how it's been in my life. Like Christmas -- we all know the difference between the story of Christmas (awesome) and the actual celebration with loved ones (dicey). Every holiday has that kind of dichotomy -- the thing for what it celebrates and the thing for how it is. 

And I have to tell you, my Fourths of July have been a mixed bag. 

Never works out exactly as I would like.

I don't remember doing much at all when I was a kid. When I was little more than a toddler, I think I was at a parade, a big town deal with floats and stuff, but it was so far back I can barely remember anything. Later my family really didn't do anything. No parades, no fireworks. We visited relatives because it was a day off and Mom could go see her family. Then, as adults do, they sat around and talked. BORING! 

Later on there were some winners. I went to a Mets game one year, and while I don't even remember if they won the game (I think they won), the fireworks show at Shea afterward was spectacular. In 2002, my wife and I went to the local kaboomery show and it was great -- the patriotism was still thick on the ground here in the lower Hudson Valley, where many locals had been lost on 9/11. 

One July 4, after my first year in junior high, my family spent the day with a family that had enough fireworks to invade Canada. I shot off more bottle rockets in one evening than I have the entire rest of my life. Almost burned down their house, but not quite (a bottle tipped backward after I lit the fuse). In fact, it was a miracle that with alcohol-consuming adults and explosive-armed children there were no major disasters. 

For a few years the Fourth was spent at a relative's cabin in the country, something I would enjoy much, much more now than I did as a kid. Very quiet.

One year, as the Fourth loomed, I convinced a friend to get a party going at his house -- and then my parents informed me that we were going out of town for the holiday. I have never lived that down. But my friends all got even a year or so later, when I threw a party in my parents' backyard and all the guys decided to bug out because they wanted to play basketball in the park. So my parents were looking at me like Don't you have any friends anymore? It was humiliating. The guys returned later out of pity, or hunger.

More recent years have found our family unit with dogs, and we usually spend the holiday making sure no canine freaks out and goes running wild. Usually it's okay, but about five years back the idiots up the street were blowing up enough stuff to -- well, invade Canada. Poor Nipper took it hard. And it sparked an argument between my wife and Mrs. "Deuce" Baggio nearby, which my wife decidedly, comprehensively won. I could have warned the Baggios not to argue with my wife, especially when she's defending one of our dogs. 

There were other summer parties that were eventful, and even near terrible, but I think they did not land on the Fourth, so I'll leave them for another time, if at all. This year I just want to make some decent food and distract the dog when the bombs go off. I love you, America, but your birthday is not always my favorite day. 

You're damn straight.

Business in the front, party in the back, patriotism all over. 

How foreigners think we celebrate Independence Day:

Shucks, if only! 

Happy Fourth of July to all my American guests, and please have the same number of fingers, toes, eyes, etc. tomorrow at this time. 'Murica! 

Proclaim liberty throughout all the land.

As the old saying goes, there are two kinds of people: Those who divide people into two kinds of people, and those who do not. Well, I'm usually of the latter, but today I'm the former, I guess. 

Here we go: 

There are two kinds of Americans: Those who believe that human rights are God-given, and those who do not. This distinction is at the heart of all our political problems. The old counterargument, that rights are granted by government alone, had been the cry of tyrants, and was renewed by the new tyranny of Communism in the twentieth century. It exploded in our national consciousness right about the time we were able to recognize that the government's duty was to protect these God-given rights for all citizens. 

Until very recently, most Americans would have agreed wholeheartedly with this famous passage from the Declaration of Independence: 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed

I suppose there is no more crucial passage in our nation's founding than that. Some modern students think Olde Tyme people were longwinded, but look at these exceptionally important and in fact revolutionary ideas summed up in 54 words:

1) These truths are self-evident: they are postulates in no need of proof;

2) That God has endowed us with rights that are above and beyond politics;

3) That they are just three: we have a right to be alive; we have a right to be free from oppression; we have a right to seek happiness as free men;

4) That the only point of government is to secure (NOT PROVIDE) these God-given rights;

5) And that governments are formed by human beings and exist by the consent of those human beings who are under its jurisdiction. 

We've heard it all a million times, but how many of us realize how important it is? What a shocking statement it makes? The people on top through history had always acted as if the whole point of government was to protect the clan, whether the clan be a tiny tribe or Rome or France, and everyone's main job was to protect the brains of the outfit -- the ruler. The Declaration turned it all on its head. If the king infringes on the rights given to us by God, king had better watch his back. He has lost his legitimacy.

But if we don't believe in God, or don't believe that these simple rights are from the God that created us, what then? "Human rights" are disposable, mere lip service to keep the plebes in line, but there's no reason they cannot be infringed upon as much as desirable. It seems crazy that anyone would willfully dispense with the idea that his own rights come from a power higher than government. But in their effort to dethrone God, the Communists were perfectly happy to give the dispensing of rights back to government -- as long as they had their hands on the whip. 

And this is where we are now. 

We may be near or maybe even just past the tipping point, where fewer than half the people in the United States believe in that statement in the Declaration. Certainly there are those who scoff, saying the so-called "negative" rights are worthless, just the right to starve in the street; we need positive rights, the right to food, clothing, free education, housing, healthcare, and whatever else comes along. 

But those are not the rights we were founded on, because the Founders knew any real right was based in the right to freedom. They would have found it preposterous to go looking for a government-enforced right to someone else's labor. Which is what free food and free medicine and all the rest are. 

The heart of the matter is this: If Americans no longer believe that God (or nature or just human dignity, if you must) has given us the rights mentioned in the Declaration, rights that are few in number but rock-solid inviolable, then we're truly sunk. Those who control us will deny those rights; those who are controlled won't believe they are worth fighting for. 

The ironic thing is that those of us who believe that those rights are from God believe it is true whether we accept it or not, but will be forced to watch our government violate these rights as much as it desires. 

But those petty kings had better beware -- not from the peasants as much as their Creator. They were given a wonderful nation, and they'd better take care of it, or they will have to answer someday to Him. If human rights come from God, God is not going to be pleased with those who destroy these rights among others in their care -- especially in the United States of America, where we have known these things for 247 years. 

To beat the best you have to eat the best.

If you'd like to eat 76 hot dogs in 12 minutes, these may be the condiments you're looking for:

 

Yes, the hero of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Joey Chestnut, has cashed in his fame, and wisely, may I say. The Joey Chestnut World's Greatest Eater line of condiments appeared at my local Walmart this week. They've actually been around a few years, but this is the first I've seen them. Apparently a lot of the proceeds from these products go to charity, which is great.

I don't know if these products are any good -- after all, Joey is known for dunking his hot dogs and buns in water and cramming them down, not delicately basting them with sauces -- but how bad could they be? 

He's got wing sauces, mustard, and something called Classic Boardwalk Coney Sauce. I don't know what that is, and I went to Coney Island quite a lot in my childhood. Technically it should be a sauce used on rabbit meat, but I guess you can use it on anything. 

I applaud Joey for his outstanding work. I know there's no single belt for all eating events, but if there was, I'd bet he would be its uncontested chowing champion of the world. When the Nathan's contest was being won by Japanese men who (according to Curtis Sliwa) trained in secret camps and spread out across the world, eating for victory, Joey saved our national pride. Takeru Kobayashi had won the Nathan's contest six times in a row, wiping the floor easily with contenders like Charles "Hungry Man" Hardy. Joey entered the arena and said "Hold my Maalox." He went on to win the contest every year since 2007 except for 2015, when fellow American Matt Stonie edged him by two dogs.

Competitive eating may seem like a silly thing, even a waste of good food, but it is definitely difficult. Would you really want to try your luck at eating the most mayonnaise in three minutes? (Michelle "Cardboard Shell" Lesco, 3.5 jars, or 86.35066 ounces -- well over half a gallon in three minutes.) Not me, thanks. 

To be the absolute best at something, even something as weird as eating the most Peeps (Stonie again, 255 in five minutes), takes really stupendous effort. There's only room for one at the pinnacle, and certainly when it comes to hot dogs, Joey Chestnut is there. 

I don't think he does the mayo contests, though. Maybe that's why he doesn't offer a Joey Chestnut Mayonnaise. Michelle Lesco could offer a brand of mayo. 

A Matt Stonie-themed Peep might be fun, now that I think about it. 

Where was George?

As we all know, July the Fourth is the official date of proclamation of the Declaration of Independence, although delegates from the colonies signed on different dates. Getting all the colonies to agree in the face of massive British reprisal was a triumph of diplomacy. The outcome of the Declaration was not assured until Lord Cornwallis had the band play "The World Turned Upside Down,"*  and even decades after it seemed like the whole American experiment was going to go down the cesspool at any time.

I got to wondering where exactly George Washington was on July 4, 1776. Obviously he himself was not in Congress, being in the field with the under-trained, underfunded, undermanned army, as he had been for just over a year. So what was he up to on that date?

According to the Library of Congress, Washington had left Massachusetts following the British surrender of Boston, and had set up in Manhattan by April 14. He is not too happy with the situation there, a feeling many people would have on arriving in New York to this day. The Library of Congress says, "New York has not yet come down decisively on the side of independence, and merchants and government officials are supplying the British ships still in the harbor. Washington, angry at the continued communication with the enemy, asks the Committee if the evidence about them does not suggest that the former Colonies and Great Britain are now at war. He insists that such communications should cease."

Washington's war preparations continued in New York, and he would have his hands full. On June 21 he would fifty miles upstate by today's West Point, calling for the construction of the Great Chain to block a British fleet coming down the Hudson.** 

So I'm not sure what exactly the great man was doing on the Fourth of July, which fell on a Thursday that year. But on June 29th, General William Howe and his brother Little Dickie (nah, his brother was Admiral Richard Howe) arrived in New York Harbor, so Washington was undoubtedly preparing for the British to attack. That would not occur for some time, as the British first wanted to talk George into giving up.*** 

The British would concentrate their forces on Staten Island, which was sparsely populated and completely unable to prevent the British landing. In fact, on September 11, 1776, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Edward Rutledge would meet with Richard Howe at what is now called the Conference House on Staten Island to try to prevent the war. By then the British had already chased the American forces out of Long Island (where the colonists were saved from destruction by retreating under cover of fog), and would later chase them around the rest of the city. New York very nearly was Washington's Waterloo, almost four decades before Napoleon had the actual Waterloo.**** 

But that was all yet to come.*****  

On Tuesday, July 9, however, Washington got a copy of the Declaration and declared a celebration. He read it to his troops, and had copies sent to the other generals in the Continental Army. To General Artemas Ward he wrote, "The enclosed Declaration will show you that Congress at length, impelled by necessity, have dissolved the connection between the American Colonies of Great Britain and declared them free, independent states, and in compliance with their order I am to request you will cause this Declaration to be immediately proclaimed at the head of the Continental Regiments in the Massachusetts Bay." 

I do not believe the quote on this T-shirt is legitimate.  

Maybe in spirit, if not in actual words. 

Mentioning the Conference House reminded me of a great little bit from the film (and play) 1776; the film is fifty years old now. In the scene, John Adams, played by the brilliant William Daniels, complains about his fate in posterity:

Adams: I'll not appear in the history books anyway. Only you. Franklin did this and Franklin did that, and Franklin did some other damned thing. Franklin smote the ground, and out sprang George Washington, fully grown and on his horse. Franklin then electrified him with his miraculous lightning rod; then the three of them -- Franklin, Washington, and the horse -- conducted the entire revolution all by themselves.

Franklin: I like it.

That's probably what they are teaching now in history, if they still teach anything good about any dead white men (and horses). But we will know what our Founding Fathers did, and we will tell the stories while we have strength to tell them. 

🦅🦅🦅

*Or did he?

**Longtime readers -- you handsome devils -- will recall my visit to West Point and the remainder of the Chain in 2018.

***Spoiler: He didn't.

****Napoleon himself was six years old on July 4, 1776, and had already reached his full height. (Just kidding about that last bit.)

*****Summarized by William Bryk in a fascinating little piece here.