Triple Duh.

[Ext. Guy Fieri in red car, driving]

Guy: I'm Guy Fieri and we're rollin' out to find the best, most amazing crummy eateries in America here on Delis, Doughnut Shops, and Dumps!

[opening animation]

Guy: [outside location] Here in Globular, New Mexico, there's not too much shakin' -- except for the barbecue scene! We're here at Grouchy's Barbecue where Old Man Petersen's been kickin' the BBQ old school since 1952!

[interior shot, people chewing]

Blond customer: I can't say enough about the food. It's nearly edible.

Fat customer: [face smeared with sauce] It's safe to say every single person in town has eaten at Grouchy's. Of course, there's only ten people in city limits.

Old fogey customer: I've choked it down many times.

Old fogette customer: Beats starvin'.

Guy: [voice over] The raves about Grouchy's eats just keep comin'! We visited him to see if he'd share the secret of his famous barbecued brisket and gefilte fish sandwich.

[shot of sandwich on bun, pickle on side]

Grouchy: [kitchen interior] No.

Guy: Oh, come on.

Grouchy: Go away.

Guy: Is it true your first name is actually Old Man?

Grouchy: Yeah. My father was Older Man Petersen. My son is Less Old Man Petersen.

Guy: Well, that's.... uh....

Grouchy: Yeah.

Guy: Hm.

Grouchy: Just call me Grouchy.

Guy: Please tell us how you make that bodacious brisket. I'm beggin' ya. There's nothing else to do in this town.

Grouchy: Oh, all right. I start with a brisket of beef like the one I just happen to have here. Then I use my special blend of seasonings. Paprika, oregano, white pepper, red pepper, black pepper, lavender, elk horn, rose hips, Spanish fly, motor oil, and my secret ingredient.

Guy: And that is?

Grouchy: Salt. Then I let it marinate in our special sauce.

Guy: Looks like ketchup.

Grouchy: WHO TOLD YOU?

Guy: Uh, and how long do you let it marinate?

Grouchy: Forty-seven years.

Guy: Well, I guess -- huh?

Grouchy: Here's one -- well, label says 1973, but I guess that's close enough. I'll put it on the rack.

Guy: Whoa.

Grouchy: Then we put it in the smoker for a while.

Guy: For like what, eighty months?

Grouchy: Twenty minutes. You tryin' to kill it?

Guy: What kinda wood do you use in the smoker? Oak, cherry...

Grouchy: Used paneling. Then we cut it up, slop it on a bun with some gefilte fish, chuck on a pickle. Done.

Guy: And do you make your own...

Grouchy: Gefilte fish? Who does that? You ever try to catch a gefilte? Nah, comes out of a jar.

Guy: And the pickle?

Grouchy: Same jar.

Guy: Uh...

Grouchy: Eat it.

Guy: Errhhhrrrr...

Grouchy: Well?

Guy: Pretty bad.

Grouchy: Get out.

[exterior of Guy in car]

Guy: That's all for this week! Maybe forever! I'm off to the infirmary! See you next time on Delis, Doughnut Shops, and Dumps! Maybe!

Guy Fieri's spit bucket.

For a long time I didn't see much of Guy Fieri on TV. Didn't watch his daytime cooking show, didn't watch Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. 

Of late we've had the latter show on, often just for noise, and I've learned three things of interest: 

1) There aren't any drive-ins. Are there any drive-ins anymore? Besides Sonic. 

2) Chipotle Gouda makes an awesome cheeseburger, which we tried after seeing a burger shop use the cheese. I'm sorry I forgot the name of the place. 

3) Guy Fieri does not swallow. 

Photo courtesy of Pictures of Guy Fieri Eating Food, which is the kind of Tumblr site
that inspired BuzzFeed to note Tumblr's obsession with the man.

I remember Larry Miller on his podcast discussing how you eat food while shooting a TV show or movie---you chew it, the director yells cut, and you spit it out. There's always a spit bucket nearby. And I got to thinking about that when watching the show.

If you haven't seen it, here's how it goes. Guy goes into a restaurant, watches the cook make something awesome while dropping comical remarks, and then tries the finished product, giving hunger-inducing praise, generally talking while eating. Guy Fieri Masticates would have been a good name for the show. But then I realized that we never actually saw him swallow. The camera would cut up close (chew), cut back (chew), cut again (chew), and then he would be talking without food in his mouth. No actual swallowage of the food was on film.

Now, I understand that even while filming unscripted shows, things can go wrong. And you ought to have a couple of takes, just in case something you didn't notice the first time is later seen in review. And having to swallow the food for every take could make you feel awful.

I remember this even from an episode of The Bill Cosby Show, in which Cosby's character was cast for a cereal commercial, and he didn't know you shouldn't swallow the cereal for real during the takes. He was sickened after many, many takes.

So I have to conclude that Guy Fieri is using a spit bucket. Worse, that means he is spitting up food in restaurant kitchens. What else would he do, hold it in his mouth and run out to the can? No way. He's got to be chewing and spitting it out right there in the kitchen!

I know these places are supposedly "dives" and whatnot (most of them look respectable enough to me), but even they have to obey local health laws, and health inspectors frown on spitting out hunks of food in kitchens.

Maybe they should change the title to Guy Fieri Contaminates Diners and Dives (No Actual Drive-ins Appear on This Show).