Review of dwarf attributes.

Happy

Downside: Over-optimism.
Upside: Positive attitude.
Rating: ⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒

Doc

Downside: Not clear what attribute is. Seems to require spectacles.
Upside: Might be knowledge, perhaps a doctorate.
Rating: ⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒

Bashful

Downside: Difficulty expressing needs, feelings.
Upside: Some people find it charming.
Rating: ⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒

Grumpy

Downside: Negative attitude makes everyday life more difficult.
Upside: Teenagers and the elderly identify with you.
Rating: ⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒⚒

Dopey

Downside: Total incompetence.
Upside: Babylike charm.
Rating: ⚒⚒⚒⚒

Sneezy

Downside: Annoying to others; perpetual state of poor health.
Upside: Better than being Itchy or Snotty.
Rating: ⚒⚒

Sleepy

Downside: Incapable of remaining awake to perform functions.

Upside: None.
Rating: ⚒

------

It is not generally known that the Seven Dwarves of Disney fame were actually representatives of seven larger and more specialized tribes, brought together in the house in the woods for their mining expertise. Here's a list of the tribes and their original members. 

Doc, Prof, Teach, Smarts. Physician, Engineer, Specialist

Happy, Loopy, Wacky, Merry, Silly, Cheerful, Hysterical

Sleepy, Drowsy, Woozy, Snorri, Groggy, Lazy, Drunk

Sneezy, Itchy, Headachey, Spotty, Feverish, Sickie, Rashy

Grumpy, Grouchy, Surly, Crusty, Testy, Nasty, Antisocialy

Bashful, Shy, Introverted, Maladjusted, Wary, Scaredy, Agoraphobe

Dopey, Stupid, Idiot, Clown, Ding-Dong, Dummy, Moron

The Princess Interviews: Part IV.

The Brothers Grimm have been a great source for all kinds of Disney crap, and longtime readers know we at FredCo. are trying to help Disney find their next princess by going through some of the Bros. Grimm stories they may have overlooked. Previously we've interviewed princesses from "Lily and the Lion," "The Goose Girl," and "The Golden Bird," but we've had no joy. Today we're rolling up our puffy sleeves and pulling up our velvet hose, prepared to interview not one but 12 princesses, all from the timeless Grimm classic, "The Twelve Dancing Princesses."

---

Interviewer: Good day, Your Highnesses. Thank you for coming in.

[Babble of princess voices]

Int.: Uh, one at a time please!

Princess 1: Shut it, you idiots! I'll do the talking.

Int.: Thank you. 

Princess 1: I'm the eldest. I'm in charge.

Princess 12: Yeah, and thanks to you we got busted.

Princess 1: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK, BEEYOTCH?

Int.: Uh, if we could focus...

Princess 4: I think we would make awesome Disney princesses! We can dance, and sing... and skate!

Int.: If you could tell us a little about your story...

Princess 7: Here's the deal: Every night we went dancing in secret with these fabu princes who lived in a magic palace underground---and not just dancing, if you get my drift---and the only clue our stupid king father had was that our shoes were full of holes. Good thing he didn't check our---

Other 11 Princesses: SHUT UP, MARGARET!

Princess 7: These dopey boys from other kings' castles kept coming a-courting, so Dad said fine, find out what my daughters are up to after I lock them away at night.

Int.: No one knew you were sneaking out of the castle?

Princess 10: Secret passage.

Princess 4: See? What a great story!

Princess 2: It's all a metaphor.

Princess 4: Don't say that. Allegory is boring.

Int.: So these boys staying with your father never saw you sneak out.

Princess 1: No, and to make sure, we drugged them so they slept soundly. 

Int.: Ah. That's... interesting. 

Princess 7: Yeah, and when Dad asked them after a few days what the deal was, they were all like, I dunno, pops. So he cut off their heads. 

Int.: Your father beheaded other kings' sons?!?

Princess 1: Father had issues. He also had the biggest army around. 

Int.: Well, this got dark in a hurry.

Princess 7: Finally this old crippled soldier with an invisibility cloak followed us and ruined everything. Then Matilda had to marry him and the rest of us never got to see our hunky underground princes again. 

Princess 8: All because the royal cobbler sucks. I mean, really? Shoes wearing through after one night? 

Princess 3: Well, they were dancing shoes, and we had to walk through the enchanted forests to meet the princes. 

Princess 4: Oh, what a wonderful story it could be! You could clean it up a little, couldn't you? Say, instead of Dad going all ISIS on the local kings' sons, maybe he could just pitch them into the moat!

Princess 1: But you ought to know -- Barbie beat you to us. 

Int.: Huh?

Princess 1: Yes. Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses. Released 2006. Sorry. 

Princess 7: They sure cleaned the hell out of that for the movie. We were just high-spirited. Not unindicted co-conspirators. 

Princess 1: Nor were we nameless entities, consigned to some grotesque soldier's story. 

Int.: And the name of the soldier in the story was...?

Princess 1: [unintelligible]

Int.: Sorry?

Princess 1: I said, he didn't get a name in the story, either. 

Int.: Well, frankly, I think we'd rather be talking to him. 

Princess 1: You wouldn't say that if you met him! I had to marry him, you know! Leaves his underwear everywhere, never puts the throne down...

Princess 4: You have to help us! Mattel is never going to use us for a "Barbie on Ice" spectacular! You have to get us into to see Mickey! 

Int.: Maybe some other time.

---

Is Princess 2 right, that the story is a metaphor? Well, I think I know what her underground prince metaphor! Keep your set tuned to "The Wonderful World of Fred" for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part III.

As you undoubtedly know, in our spirit of fellowship we at FredCo. wish to make life easier for our pals at Disney, who are desperately searching for the next princess franchise for their successful princess film and packaging deals. We think there are resources yet untapped in the Brothers Grimm. To this end we've interviewed Lily of "Lily and the Lion" and Goose Girl of "The Goose Girl," both stories out of the Grimms's book. Sadly, we have had little success so far, but we are hoping to strike gold with the princess in the charming story "The Golden Bird."

---

Interviewer: Good day, Your Highness. Thank you for coming in to see us.

Princess: Yeah, whatever.

Int.: Uh... is everything all right? 

Princess: Are you kidding? The answer to that would be... let's see... how's NO grab you?

Int.: Terribly sorry! What is the matter?

Princess: Let's start with the fact that it's MY story and those Grimm idiots didn't even bother to write down my name.

Int.: Really? Let's see here, it's... Uh, you're right.

Princess: Jane.

Int.: Jane? That's your name?

Princess: Yeah.

Int.: Thank you for clearing that up. Now, Princess Jane, as you know we are looking for a new Disney Princess. How do you feel your story fits with the Disney panoply of princesses?

Princess: It doesn't. It's stupid.

Int.: The panoply?

Princess: My story. You know the real hero is the fox? And he's psychotic.

Int.: But the title is "The Golden Bird," not "The Psychotic Fox." Aren't you the titular bird?

Princess: Hey, watch the language!

Int.: But---

Princess: No, I'm not the bird. The bird is just a dumb yellow bird that these three brothers throw their lives away chasing. I'm just part of the fabulous cash and prizes one of the idiots manages to get, thanks to the fox. Who was my brother, under an enchantment.

Int.: So you don't have a lot of lines in the script. 

Princess: Not the way the Grimms wrote it! I get squat! I told my agent, this has got to change or I'm walking. The whole thing is about the youngest brother, the dumbbell I get to marry in the end, by the way.

Int.: What's his name?

Princess: Jim. It's not in the story, either. The Grimms didn't write down anyone's name. You think they were mailing it in at this point? Plus the story is way too gross for the kids.

Int.: PG-13 gross? 

Princess: After the fox helps the one brother, who is slightly less moronic than his older brothers, he asks in return that the brother cut off his head and feet.

Int.: Kind of R-ish. Operatic.

Princess: Of course, then he turns back into my stupid cursed brother. You know how he got turned into a fox? It's not in the story. I'll tell you how: by sticking his nose into other peoples' business, that's how. And his advice is always confusing, inexplicable, and annoying. "When you come to the castle where the bird is, I will stay with the princess at the door, and you will ride in and speak to the king; and when he sees that it is the right horse, he will bring out the bird; but you must sit still, and say that you want to look at it, to see whether it is the true golden bird; and when you get it into your hand, ride away." Uh, 'scuse me, Fox Boy, but you want to write all that crap down? And write small because I only have five pages left in my book. Know-it-all jerkface.

Int.: I get the feeling that you're not keen on the possibility of a film adaptation. 

Princess: Not without some serious rewrite, buster. Astenazagur is all over this project.

Int.: Who's Astuwhatagur?

Princess: My brother.

Int.: I think we'll have to file this as "in turnaround" for now. Thanks for coming in. 

---

Keep your set tuned to this channel for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part II.

A couple of weeks back we began our series of Princess Interviews, wherein we interview prospective princesses from Brothers Grimm stories, looking for one that Disney can co-opt into one of their animated movies. We like to help out in our little ways, and we think Disney could use a boost. At the rate they're going, they'll be raiding the Mahabharata for princesses soon, and that could get sticky. 

Today's candidate comes to us from the story "Lily and the Lion." This could be a winner---our eyes lit up with the idea of a singing lion pal.

 

---

 

Interviewer: Good morning, Lily. Now, how long have you been a princess?

Lily: Oh, it was after I married the enchanted prince. He was only a lion by day, you know. Him and his whole court. The rest of the time he was my sweet baby nookums. 

Int.: Sounds a little Beauty-and-the-Beasty.

Lily: Well, sure, it starts off like that, with the whole fear of being murdered by my future husband, but that's only the beginning of the story. It's much more sophisticated than that dumb ol' Belle's fairy tale. 

Int.: You get married in the end like Belle, right? We like a nice wedding.

Lily: No, no; I get married at the beginning, in the seventh paragraph I think, after my future husband decides to be nice and not eat me. 

Int.: Well... we don't really go for stories about married women.

Lily: But this is such a great story! Lots of adventure. I get to smite a dragon!

Int.: That's promising.

Lily: And the dragon is an enchanted princess, who reverts to human form but steals my husband, but he's not a lion anymore, actually he'd been cursed and turned into a dove, but that was kinda my fault but not really, I mean who makes the rules on curses anyway? 

Int.: To be honest, I don't---

Lily: Yeah, he was this dove because some torchlight fell on him, which would have been okay because I was a little tired of the lion bit; lions shed a lot, you know? And the butcher bills! But he was a dove all the time, not just during the day, and he was forced to go flying all over the world, and I had to follow him, and this went on for years! And we had a little kid by then! So I talked to the sun---

Int.: Whose son? Yours? 

Lily: No, silly, the sun in the sky! 

Int: You talked to the sun in the sky.

Lily: He was so nice; he gave me a dress. And I talked to the moon, who gave me an egg, and the east wind and the west wind, but they were no help---

Int.: About this dragon you smote...

Lily: Yes, well, that hussy was going to steal my husband, but I sneaked up to his night chamber---

Int.: Whoa, there!

Lily: And I tried to talk to him, but she'd knocked him cold with a roofie, and---

Int.: Well, Your Highness, it's been---

Lily: Oh, I didn't tell you about the nut!

Int.: I think you may have.

Lily: We had to make our escape on this griffin, see, but it wouldn't be strong enough to fly over the sea without resting, but I had this magical nut that would turn into a tree, so---

Int.: Whoops! Look at the time! Thanks again for coming in.

 

----

Keep tuned to this blog for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part I.

Disney's current crisis has nothing to do with money or bad movies. No, Disney is running out of princesses, and we need to help.

Walt started raiding the Brothers Grimm back in 1937 with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, his first feature-length film, from the story "Snow White" (or "Little Snowdrop," depending on your translation). Pretty good movie.

Since then the Brothers Grimm have been provided Disney with some Disney princesses ("Briar Rose" was Sleeping Beauty), as has Hans Andersen (considering what Disney did in turning "The Snow Queen" into Frozen, we may as well drop the Christian). Other sources of princessery are less reliable: They've tried to force Mulan into the princess family, although she is not a princess; Pocohontas, although it's outrageous to use a real-life historical figure as a stinking cartoon princess; and the wholly inappropriate barbarian Pixar princess Merida was shoehorned in. They had to promote Rapunzel to princess standing, although she was not a princess in the original Grimm story. I'm almost willing to overlook the breathtaking means by which they made a princess out of an African-American girl in the reworking of The Princess and the Frog, because it was cleverly done. Good thing for Tiana that it is not illegal for U.S. citizens to hold titles of nobility.

I'm surprised they didn't make Jane Porter into a princess by virtue of her marrying Tarzan, King of the Jungle.

Gotta move the merch.

The thing is, there are other princess in the Grimm oeuvre that have not yet been exploited employed as Disney heroines. Today, and moving forward, we examine these remaining princesses to see if any of them can be made to work.

Our first interview is with Goose Girl, star of the Brothers Grimm's "The Goose Girl":

Interviewer: So, Goose Girl, you have a real name, I trust?

Goose Girl: Yes, although not in the story. You can call me Brittany. 

Int.: All right, Brittany. Now, you have a longish story in Grimm. Does it have a big wedding at the end?

GG: Oh, yes, I marry the prince and the villain is punished and everything. 

Int.: Great! And there's magic, right? We need the magic.

GG: Yeah, I have a magical lock of hair for protection, but the evil servant tricks me and I lose it and then she makes me switch places so she's the princess and I'm a yucky maid.

Int.: Good, good. Could be a problem with a servant being the main bad guy, you know, too much sympathy for the oppressed. We don't want to see Occupy Magic Kingdom. But we'll give her some backstory to make her motivations impure. It's fine. And you have a sidekick, right? A talking animal of some sort?

GG: Yeah, a fairy gave me him. Falada. He gets a name and I don't, right?

Int.: Is Falada a goose? 

GG: Nah, I'm called "Goose Girl" because they make me help the goose boy, Curdken. Who also gets a name and I don't. No, Falada is a horse. 

Int.: Better and better! Wait, you really love this Curdken guy, I'll bet. Is he the real prince in disguise, or--

GG: Goose boy? Are you nuts? He's a punk who manages the geese!

Int.: Okay, we'll call in rewrite. Tell me more about the magical horse sidekick. 

GG: Yeah, he gets his head cut off, which is kind of a bummer. But it's all right, because the head still talks.

Int.: Wait, what?

GG: Yeah, they nail up the head and it keeps talking and the old king overhears---you could give the head a song! I bet--- Hey, are you all right? 

Int.: Sorry, I just had lunch.

GG: Well, don't worry, because in the end the fairy reattaches the head and Falada is okay. 

Int.: That's enough about the horse for now. Please tell me the evil servant gets her comeuppance without a lot of bloodshed.

GG: Oh, yes! It's no problem! She gets crammed into a little cask with big nails hammered into it and dragged around by four white horses until she dies. You won't need to see a thing!

Int.: G-great. Thanks so much for coming in.

GG: So, when do we start filming?

Int.: We'll be in touch.

To Be Continued....