I forced myself to give up Angry Birds Go!, Angry Birds 2, and Candy Crush because I got to levels that appeared to be completely impossible without buying powerups. I really dislike free games that are constantly at you to buy powerups. I'd rather buy the game and be left alone.
But don't worry; it's not like my colossal amounts of free time will be put to something useful. Lately I've had this:
Smashy Road: Wanted from Bearbit Studios is an insanely addictive app that encourages you to drive so badly that the armed forces are called out to subdue you. Seriously, tanks.
Your goal is to cause havoc and collect dollar bills that have been left conveniently here and there in town, suburb, and desert environments; when you get 100 dollars you have a chance to get a new car for your garage. (There are currently 90 possible cars.) You set out on the road and start driving poorly, and right away the cops come after you. Then cops in SUVs and choppers. Then army trucks, and army choppers. Then tanks.
Sure, it's fun, but not something you'd want to emulate in real life. In classic video game style, every game eventually ends badly. "Busted" (arrested) or "wasted" (dead).
And here we are, getting busted.
Like the classic arcade games (thinking of Spy Hunter here), it's just the same thing over and over again, driving until you can't anymore, then Game Over. The real hook is building your garage, and aside from the incessant ads, this is where Bearbit makes some money---if you get frustrated about being unable to win particular cars, you can buy them with real dough. Some of the cars have special powers, which makes it more tempting---Money Man collects cash faster; the Oil Truck lays down oil slicks; the Flipper flips opponents over; and so on. Others vary in speed, endurance, handling, offensive capability, and coolness.
I have 88 of the 90 cars and have been sorely tempted to buy the other two---the Bumbee and the 1967 are just ordinary cars, but I WANT THEM! Got to get them all! I'm starting to think you can't get them unless you buy them. These Common cars (cars are ranked from Common to Legendary) are a buck apiece. It will be interesting to see if my desire wins over my cheapness before boredom or frustration conquers all.
On the whole it's a great game if you have twenty seconds or so to kill. And if you find yourself on the army base, make sure to drive through the barracks or hangars or whatever those buildings are. Ka ching.
I probably saw the original Angry Birds on the iTunes App Store first, but I didn't think it would be something I would like. Then a friend of mine mentioned over cards that his daughters had gotten him completely hooked on this stupid cartoon catapult game. It was cheap, so I tried it, and I was disgustingly hooked. Got hooked on the Seasons game, too. And the first Rio game.
If you've been offline except for this blog and your flip phone, here's the description: a bunch of green pigs have stolen eggs, and the birds are mad. They pursue the pigs to kill them and reclaim their eggs. Each different bird has a different ability (speed burst, explosive egg drop, splitting into three, etc.), but they all have to be launched from a slingshot. You kill pigs, you move on to the next board. It never ends.
When I changed phones and lost all my progress, I lost the will to live. No, kidding! I lost the will to start the games again and go through all the frustrating levels of the past. I never much enjoyed the Space or Star Wars versions; I thought the Epic game was little fun, and the racing game (Angry Birds Go!) was pretty much the same thing over and over: Here's a race! It's over! Buy upgrades with actual money! It looked like that would be it for me and the Birds of Anger.
Now there's Angry Birds 2.
First off, I really dislike in-game purchases, but that's the way of the game world now. You get a free game and you progress either through skill and patience or through buying access. Kind of the way of the actual world, I guess, so maybe there's a lesson there. They also use advertising inside the game, which you can use to your advantage---watch an ad and get an extra bird, for example. Which is worth the thirty seconds of your life when you're thiiiiiiiiiiis close to getting through a board. It also has the lives system that Candy Crush made so popular: When you're all out of birds, you will have to wait half an hour to get them back. You may get the ad-watching option. Or you could buy some more lives, if you're impatient and want to pee away money.
I'm sad that three excellent birds, Stella, Bubbles, and Hal, are not in this game. Bubbles especially is awesome. Hal, the boomerang toucan, would have had limited advantage; this game uses spitting flowers (they spit back whatever falls into them) and teleportation portals (the pigs can't build a decent house but there's teleportation?), so around-the-back shots are not as crucial. In the original game, you were given your birds in the order in which you had to use them; here you're given random birds and you can choose among three for any given shot, unless you have fewer than three birds left. Repeating a board does not mean it will be identical; in keeping with the "under construction" theme of the game, there are possible differences each time. There are also magic spells you can use... unless you run out or (doy!) want to buy some more. The advertising can help you in another way: You may have to watch an ad for Honey-Nut Cheerios, but the game may also randomly give you a Honey-Nut Cheerio spell to attack pigs with for a round.
Whereas the original game was a puzzle that required skill, the new game is more skill and luck based. Boards less often have a particular means of completion. In fact, the setup is very different in that, rather than having a level made up of a number of boards, as in the original game or Candy Crush, you have levels made of boards that are themselves made up of a series of three or more boards; you have to budget your birds to get through the series. You can earn extra birds in the series by scoring lots of points, or you can... dare I say it?... buy more.
Do I like the game? Sure; it's always fun to destroy things in the name of justice. And there is some relief in retrying a board and finding it set up easier on the second go-round.
Am I disgustingly hooked? Not really. The original game was so challenging I would have to resort occasionally to instructional videos on YouTube; can't see me doing that here. A game ought to not be impossible, but should occasionally make you nuts. It isn't love if it can't make you crazy.
On another note, I hear that there is an Angry Birds movie coming out next May. It could be fun... but I liked the grittier live-action version that came out a couple of years ago.
I would try to get past The Level once in a while, but no luck. It was too much for me.
Level 361.
Apparently it has baffled others, because people have posted a lot of whines and frustrations over it, not to mention cheats and tips. And yet it doesn't even make variouslists of the hardest levels.
But it got to be too much. I realized one day that I hadn't played Candy Crush in months because I was so sick of trying to beat that level. And it was worse than that. When I looked myself in the eye, I realized that I no longer wanted to bring all ingredients down to the bottom. I didn't care if I didn't clear all the jelly. It was over.
I shall erase the app and wipe out months of work, just like that.
What a relief.
What a colossal waste of time.
Crush on, O crushers of candy; I've made a separate piece (of candy). I've said a farewell to crushing. I'm a non-candy-batant. Peace out, Tiffi; later, Mr. Toffee. I will crush no more--- Hey, some of those tips look kind of helpful. And what's this with Sugar Drops? Something new? Hmmm.....
When I first saw an ad for the Garmin Vivofit, I thought it was so colossally stupid that it had to be the stupidest thing I'd seen in the last, oh, forty minutes. Basically it appeared to be a naggy wristwatch, a weenie little device that looked like a cheesy digital except it had the power to annoy you until you threw it against the wall. If I wanted to not use an irritating electronic gizmo, I would just continue to not use the pedometer I was given years ago.
"Get off your hinder, you big pantload!"
Then I found out that the Vivofit was just the beginning. There are a ton of these fitness bands, and each one is more annoying than the next. Basically I thought that these were predicated on the idea that people had no idea they have to get up and move to get exercise; that they were under the impression that the best way to get exercise was to push the A button faster.
But a relative of mine got one for Christmas. I would have presumed it was a gift---or an intervention---from a very brave loved one, but it turned out she had asked for it by name. She got into it, and her New Year's resolution, right away. She enjoys syncing it up and seeing her progress, earning medals and stuff, trying to beat the achievements of the day before. Basically it's like Candy Crush, only useful.
I'm proud of her, and I may rescind some of my disdain if it really helps her and keeps her motivated. As for me, I will continue to use my low-tech fitness device, a device that acts as a reminder to keep me motivated, and has done for many years---my pants.
I can't say I had high hopes for there when they appeared on the bargain rack at Walmart.
But like an idiot I bought them. I thought maybe the reason for the product limping into the Rack of Failure was that the bloom is off the Angry Birds rose, or at least the game has been crushed by Candy Crush and other newer games.
But the "Product of Mexico" label should have tipped me off. It could explain the weird, non-fruit-like flavors of some of these birds. Mexico has a large variety of produce that isn't popular or well-known north of the border, and for all I know the green ones (blech) were supposed to be plantain or avocado. I've had plantains and avocado, and they tasted nothing like the green ones. But you know how grape candy never really tastes like grapes? I figured the same dynamic might be in effect.
Here is the cast:
Sharp eyes immediately detect the main problem: None of these actually look much like the characters. The green ones should be pigs, but they look like blobs of phlegm. The yellow ones and red ones don't look like anything but each other, and they should not look the same anyway; they should look like Chuck or Red.
The Bomb ones look most similar to the character, but are still obviously poor:
Nope---weird flavor, bad character resemblance, product fail.
Now, why has it taken so long for Candy Crush candy to be widely available? Last Christmas the craze was in full swing and I didn't see any of it in stores. Maybe I got there too late. That sometimes happens, even with candy. Not often, but sometimes.
