Friday, May 6, 2022

Spring! Time to kill.

Spring is here! We're almost done with temperatures in the thirties and the risk of snow! We've had snow in May around these parts, so I don't discount the possibility. However.

Time to get the rubber mats off the porch steps -- walk at your own risk, suckas! Time to figure out which of last summer's gorgeous plants have up and died. And time to KILL KILL KILL!


What am I planning to kill? Better to ask what am I NOT planning to kill. Mwa ah ah!

1) Weeds. Weeds on the lawn. Weeds on the walkway. Weeds in the cracks on the driveway. Weeds on the sidewalk. Weeds in the woodpile. Weeds on my chinny chin chin. All the weeds. Dead! 

2) Bugs. Wasps' nests. Ants' nests. Termites' nests. Individual spiders. Worms. Flies. Ticks. Gnats. Fleas. Dead!

3) Groundhogs. Kill or chase away. I'm tired of their sinkholes in the lawn. I have purchased some smokers that will send them running or kill them. Kill them DEAD! 

Ah, but even in the depth of this murderous depravity is the spark of life. My dead tree is gone, the stump finally removed, and yesterday I put a young red maple in its place. It looked so large in the SUV, so small on the lawn near its larger mates. I planted it with tenderness and care. I will mind it and bring it to root in its new home. 

And if it dies, I'm spraying the lawn with Agent Orange and calling it a day. Paint it green! Pave the Earth!

3 comments:

🐻 bgbear said...

Groundhogs? Are you allowed to kill them? or are you using the term for some other burrowing critter like a gopher.

Robert said...

Bandit would be happy to take care of the groundhog problem.
Though he only flies first class or by private jet.
rbj

FredKey said...

Groundhog killing is legal, apparently in New York, but using a lawn spray to kill crabgrass is not. However, using a lawn spray that kills all vegetation is just fine. New York is insane.