2020 armam -- er, ornaments.

Well, 2020 is creeping to a close, and as I noted in August, a lot of us seem to be wanting to push the holidays along and get to January 2021. So I have held off on my usual complaints about the Christmas season muscling its way in too early and stomping on Halloween and Thanksgiving and all that. No, bring it on! Then shove it off, and pray for a good new year.

Meanwhile, I notice that Hallmark advertises no less than 1,111 ornaments on its Web site. To be fair, a couple of these are accessories for other ornaments -- hooks, wires, etc. --  and two or three are Halloween ornaments, which is odd. I have seen other companies doing 2020-themed ornaments that involved face masks, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and the like, and I wondered if Hallmark was too. Sad to say, no. 

But that doesn't mean there are not Hallmark ornaments that can mark the year in a special way, representing the many reprehensive things that have come to pass. I've pasted a few below. Find them at your local Hallmark store or of course at Hallmark.com. 

Around this time of year you see a lot of penguins, because of the obsession with snow at Christmas, and Hallmark has one for you! 

The Batman enemy known as the Penguin, a criminal mastermind and ruthless killer -- also a social climber. He's a featured villain in next year's reboot of the film franchise. But the Burgess Meredith version is dapper and not so scary. If you'd like something more disturbing, how about... 

The flying monkeys! The part of The Wizard of Oz that probably freaks out kids the most, unless it's the Wicked Witch of the East's feet curling up under the house. Maybe they'll have that next year -- a plug-in version where the feet roll in and out. 

Speaking of disturbing:

This is one of 29 different Star Wars themed ornaments! They only have three patriotic ornaments. Even the Disney Princesses only have 17. And among the Star Wars ornaments we get this one, literally titled "A Lack of Faith." Which in a way is nice. Christmas is about faith, after all, and come to think of it, so is Santa. Maybe when you play the sound effect (this one talks!) you could think of it as Vader's reaction to Admiral Motti saying he doesn't believe in Santa Claus. "I find your lack of faith distURBing." Then again, you have an ornament of a guy literally torturing another guy on your Christmas tree. I've been down on Darth Vader ornaments before, but even those didn't depict him in the act of crushing a man's windpipe with Jedi magic. But is it perfect for a year best characterized by a killer Chinese respiratory illness? Hmm.

Here's another movie themed disaster: Flick getting his tongue stuck on the frozen flagpole in A Christmas Story. It's not the only scene in the movie where someone gets hurt, but it's the only one we see that requires bandages. Ha ha! Pain! Yes, that does seem to suit this year. But even more than that is:

Anger! From Disney/Pixar's Inside Out. He lights up! His job is to be furious! I think he spends a lot of time on social media! He has been setting fire to Kenosha with his head! He's a mindless missile of fury! Right on the money there, Disney/Pixar! It's the closest thing Hallmark has a to dumpster fire ornament.

Now, a couple of 2020 ornaments that look friendly but are not. 

You may think: A golf bag with Christmas-themed club head covers! Perfect for Uncle Dave, about whom the only thing anyone can remember is that he loves golf! But I look at it and see that Uncle Dave has killed and beheaded Santa, Donder, and Frosty and stuck the heads on poles. North poles, in fact. Maybe I'm just in a mood.

What about this one? "Mischievous Kittens" it's called, but I call it "Hamster in Solitary Gets Terrified to Death." Seriously, this hamster lives a miserable existence. He can't even lie down in that box. He can't fit on the wheel. And now he gets to pee himself with fear as the kitten threatens to disembowel him? This is another scene of horrifying torture, worse because it looks cute.  

All very 2020 in their way -- but surely there must be at least one 2020 ornament that's just cute and harmless! 

Of course! Courtesy of Star Trek: 

The Star Trek Tribble Fabric Ornament with Sound and Motion. It vibrates and coos like the real thing, unless you encounter a Klingon, when I guess it would make that terrible fear noise. So fuzzy and cute! So born pregnant and eager to eat all the food supplies and starve everybody! Don't be taken in by Cyrano Jones in the guise of Hallmark; this cute bubble of fuzz is as big a harbinger of doomsday as the actual Doomsday Machine from another episode.

In fact, if 2021 is as bad as 2020, maybe Hallmark will use the Doomsday Machine for next year's Star Trek themed ornaments. Just spitballing here.