Jest in translation.

I've got this rhino-choking 1935 edition of Mark Twain stories that holds a tender place on my bookshelf, where it acts as a counterweight to approximately ten to twelve other hardcovers. It belonged to my parents, and where they got it from I have no idea. It's called The Family Mark Twain and it is more than 1,440 pages long.

For strong families

I have nothing against Twain. I admire the man. I have paid a call on his tombstone in Elmira, New York. I dislike how much he hated his own countrymen, but I think that was part of his hatred for humanity in general. He wrote an awful lot, and I'll bet if you sat down nineteen people out of twenty who claim to be his fans, you could without too much trouble introduce them to material they did not know he wrote that would repel them. He was wide, varied, and often desperate for money.

However, he could definitely make me laugh.

You just can't sit down and read this book; it's too huge. A few times I did dip in, though, and I discovered to my surprise that I did not like his most famous short story, "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," which I found cruel and stupid. However, I absolutely loved "The Jumping Frog, in English, Then in French, Then Clawed Back Into a Civilized Language Once More by Patient, Unremunerated Toil," which he wrote in response to the poor reception of the famous story by Frenchmen. He maintained that the translation had sucked the humor and wit out of the original, and to prove the point he translated the translation literally back into English. And that was hilarious.

What put me in mind of this was the spate of YouTube videos featuring popular songs performed with the lyrics translated by Google Translate and then back to English. Between cultural changes, syntax changes, and poor translations, they are a target-rich field of humorous jabs.

I wondered if I could get Google Translate to do a Translate-hatchet job on a joke I wrote, to see if it would annihilate the humor or if it might make the joke even funnier. So I racked my brain and wrote the following joke. (It's easy enough to be funny, but hard to write a joke; I hope I have not inadvertently stolen it from someone, but I've heard hundreds of thousands of gags and never kept files on them.)

Herewith, the joke:

A prince riding a camel to the capital sees a crooked old man shuffling over the ground, peering down. Being a kind prince, he says, "Old man! Are you in distress?"
"Aye, your highness," wheezes the old man. "For I have lost my good walking stick, which helps me stand upright and move almost normally."
"Was it a well-made rod, carved of ebony, with a round top?"
"Why, yes, your highness, it was just like that."
"Wait on me a moment, old man." The prince jumps off the camel, saying, "I saw just that stick lying not far from here on the way out of the city. I picked it up to look for the owner, and my camel is holding it now."
"Wonderful, sire!" says the old man. "But I see nothing upon your beast of burden, let alone my stick."
"Ah," says the prince, "but you see, this is a magic animal, capable of storing any number of things with ease. Watch this!"
Much to the old man's surprise, the prince then picks up the camel's tail, twirls it five times, then reaches directly into the creature's rear end. The camel makes no change of expression to this violation. The prince gropes around inside for a brief period, then suddenly pulls the described stick directly from the camel's anus.
"Ha! It is as I said," exclaims the prince. "Is this the stick?"
The old man, stunned, says, "Y-yes, your highness, that's the one!"
"Excellent! Here you go." Handing over the item, the prince says, "Is there anything more you need, old one?"
"Well," says the old man, eyeing the camel, "I lost my dentures as well, but... You know what? Skip it."

It doesn't matter if you don't like it; this is for science, remember. Linguistics and computer programming. I'm a joke philologist.

All right, let's translate the joke! First we'll run it through Google Translate into Spanish.

Un príncipe que monta un camello a la capital ve a un viejo torcido arrastrarse por el suelo, mirando hacia abajo. Siendo un príncipe amable, dice: "¡Viejo! ¿Estás angustiado?"
"Sí, su alteza", jadea el viejo. "Porque he perdido mi buen bastón, lo que me ayuda a ponerme de pie y moverme casi con normalidad".
"¿Era una vara bien hecha, tallada en ébano, con una tapa redonda?"
"Por qué, sí, su alteza, fue así".
"Espérame un momento, viejo". El príncipe salta del camello y dice: "Vi ese palo tirado no muy lejos de aquí al salir de la ciudad. Lo recogí para buscar al dueño, y mi camello lo sostiene ahora".
"¡Maravilloso, señor!" dice el viejo. "Pero no veo nada sobre tu bestia de carga, y mucho menos mi palo".
"Ah", dice el príncipe, "pero ya ves, este es un animal mágico, capaz de almacenar cualquier cantidad de cosas con facilidad. ¡Mira esto!"
Para sorpresa del anciano, el príncipe luego levanta la cola del camello, la gira cinco veces y luego llega directamente a la parte trasera de la criatura. El camello no hace ningún cambio de expresión a esta violación. El príncipe anda a tientas adentro por un breve período, luego de repente saca el palo descrito directamente del ano del camello."¡Ja! Es como dije", exclama el príncipe. "¿Es este el palo?"
El viejo, atónito, dice: "S-sí, su alteza, esa es la indicada".
"¡Excelente! Aquí tienes". Entregando el artículo, el príncipe dice: "¿Hay algo más que necesites, viejo?"
"Bueno", dice el anciano, mirando al camello, "también perdí mi dentadura postiza, pero ... ¿Sabes qué? Sáltatela".

Now we'll run it again, but this time from Spanish into German.

Ein Prinz, der mit einem Kamel in die Hauptstadt reitet, sieht einen krummen alten Mann auf dem Boden kriechen und nach unten schauen. Als freundlicher Prinz sagt er: "Alter Mann! Bist du verzweifelt?"
"Ja, Hoheit", schnappt der alte Mann nach Luft. "Weil ich meinen guten Stock verloren habe, was mir hilft, aufzustehen und mich fast normal zu bewegen."
"War es ein gut gemachter Zauberstab aus Ebenholz mit einem runden Deckel?"
"Warum, ja, Hoheit, es war so."
"Warte einen Moment, alter Mann." Der Prinz springt vom Kamel und sagt: "Ich habe diesen Stock nicht weit von hier geworfen gesehen, als ich die Stadt verlassen habe. Ich habe ihn aufgehoben, um den Besitzer zu finden, und mein Kamel hält ihn jetzt."
"Wunderbar, Sir!" sagt der alte Mann. "Aber ich sehe nichts über dein Lasttier, geschweige denn meinen Stock."
"Ah", sagt der Prinz, "aber Sie sehen, dies ist ein magisches Tier, das in der Lage ist, jede Menge Dinge leicht aufzubewahren. Sehen Sie sich das an!"
Zur Überraschung des alten Mannes hebt der Prinz dann den Schwanz des Kamels, dreht ihn fünfmal und kommt dann direkt auf der Rückseite der Kreatur an. Das Kamel ändert seinen Ausdruck nicht an dieser Verletzung. Der Prinz tastet kurz hinein und zieht dann plötzlich den beschriebenen Stock direkt aus dem Anus des Kamels heraus."Ha! Es ist wie ich sagte", ruft der Prinz aus. "Ist das der Stock?"
Der alte Mann sagt fassungslos: "Y-ja, Hoheit, das ist derjenige."
"Ausgezeichnet! Los geht's." Der Prinz liefert den Artikel und sagt: "Gibt es noch etwas, was du brauchst, alter Mann?"
"Nun", sagt der alte Mann und schaut auf das Kamel, "ich habe auch meine Prothese verloren, aber ... weißt du was? Überspringe es."

And now into Russian.

Принц, едущий на верблюде в столицу, видит кривого старика, ползающего по полу и смотрящего вниз. Как дружелюбный принц, он говорит: «Старик! Ты в отчаянии?»
«Да, ваше высочество», - задыхается старик. «Потому что я потерял свою хорошую палку, которая помогает мне встать и двигаться почти нормально».
"Это была хорошо сделанная палочка из черного дерева с круглой крышкой?"
«Почему, да, ваше высочество, это было так».
"Подожди минутку, старик." Принц спрыгивает с верблюда и говорит: «Я не видел эту палку, брошенную далеко отсюда, когда покинул город. Я поднял ее, чтобы найти хозяина, и мой верблюд держит ее сейчас».
"Замечательно, сэр!" говорит старик. «Но я ничего не вижу в вашем вьючном животном, не говоря уже о моей палке».
«Ах, - говорит принц, - но вы видите, это волшебное животное, способное легко хранить много вещей. Посмотрите на это!»
К удивлению старика, принц поднимает хвост верблюда, пять раз поворачивает его и затем попадает прямо в спину существа. Верблюд не меняет выражение от этой травмы. Принц нащупывает кратко, а затем внезапно вытаскивает палку, описанную прямо из ануса верблюда.
«Ха! Как я и сказал», - восклицает принц. "Это палка?"
Старик говорит ошеломленно: «Да, ваше высочество, вот оно».
"Отлично! Поехали." Принц доставляет статью и говорит: «Вам что-нибудь еще нужно, старик?»
«Ну, - говорит старик, глядя на верблюда, - я тоже потерял свой протез, но ... знаешь, что? Пропустить это».

Then, into Japanese! Why not? (Had to use Roman letters; was unable to render Japanese characters on this page.)

Shuto de rakuda ni notte iru ōji wa, magatta rōjin ga yuka no ue de raw tte mioroshite iru no o mimasu. Yūkō-tekina ōji no yō ni, kare wa iimasu: `Rōjin! Hisshidesu ka?' `Hai, denka' rōjin wa iki o kirashimasu. `Yoi sutikku o ushinattanode, okite hobo seijō ni ugoku koto ga dekimasu.' `Sore wa marui futa no aru yo kude kita kokutan no bōdeshita ka?' `Nande, wa i, denka,-sōdeshita.' `Chottomatte, rōjin' ōji wa rakuda kara tobiorite itta. `Watashi wa kanojo o mochiagete masutā o mitsukemashita, soshite watashi no rakuda wa kanojo o ima motte imasu.'
`Sugoi!' Rōjin wa iimasu. `Shikashi, watashi no sutikku wa iumademonaku, anata no pakku dōbutsu ni wa nani mo miemasen.' `Ā ,' ōji wa iimasu. Mitekudasai!' Rōjin no odoroita koto ni, ōji wa rakuda no shippo o age, sore o 5-kai mawashite kara, ikimono no senaka ni chokusetsu chakuchi shimasu. Rakuda wa kono kega kara hyōjō o kaemasen. Ōji wa mosaku shi, rakuda no kōmon kara chokusetsu byōsha sa reta bō o totsuzen hikinukimasu.`Ha! Watashi ga itta yō ni,`ōji wa sakebu. `Sore wa bōdesu ka?' Rōjin wa odorokimashita. `Hai, denka, arimasu.' `Sugoi! Yukō' ōji wa kiji o haishin shi, iimasu: `Hoka ni nanika hitsuyōdesu ka?' `Mā' to rōjin wa rakuda o minagara iimasu. Kore o sukippu shimasu.'

Finally, back in to jolly old English.

The prince riding a camel in the capital sees a bent old man raw and looking down on the floor. Like a friendly prince, he says: "Old man! Desperate?"
"Yes, Your Highness," the old man gasps. "I lost a good stick and can get up and move almost normally."
"Is it a well-formed ebony stick with a round lid?"
"Why, yes, your Highness, it was."
"Wait a minute, old man," said the prince, jumping off the camel. "I lifted her and found the master, and my camel has her now."
"Wow!" Says the old man. "But, not to mention my stick, you see nothing in your pack animal." "Oh," says the prince. "please look!" To the surprise of the old man, the prince raises the tail of the camel, turns it five times, and then lands directly on the creature's back. Camel does not change expression from this injury. The prince seeks out and suddenly pulls out a pictured stick directly from the camel's anus. "Ha! As I said," The prince shouts. "Is it a stick?"
The old man was surprised. "Yes, your Highness, there is."
"Wow! Let's go," the prince delivers an article and says: "Do you need anything else?"
"Oh," said the old man, looking at camels. "Skip this."

There! What'd you think? As the eye doctor says: Better? Worse? About the same?

Okay, it screwed up the punch line -- I have no idea where the dentures got to. But still, I have to say, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Could Twain's translator have been worse than Google Translate?