So since I know nothing about fitness, I thought it might be useful to you, the reader, who is clearly reading this and not climbing a mountain or biking across the wilderness at the moment, to get the Nipper Exercise Plan into your life. It's easy! And it's fun! Well, he seems to think so.
Every morning before breakfast, you must either drag some human slob along on a brisk walk, stopping only to inhale the lawns and sidewalks and intersections of busy streets as necessary. But of course, on some days that doesn't work. Nipper's scared of garbage cans, as I've mentioned before, so trash days are out. You might even have some reasons to skip the roadwork yourself. But that's okay! Because Nipper's Twenty-Minute Backyard Regimen is just fine for keeping him in shape, and you can try it too! Here's just a taste of the first five minutes, just so you get an idea:
First: Find a backyard. It's helpful if it's your own, but it doesn't really matter. Then, follow this plan to the letter, devoting the time allotted to each step:
0:00 - 0:10: Run like maniac into yard, barreling down into the tall grass at the edge, crashing into anything in your way. Ignore pain! Ignore stiffness! Ignore the human telling you to calm down and hold up!
0:11 - 1:45: Sniff everything you can possibly get your nose into. When you run out of things to inhale, walk a little farther. Make sure you get to wherever ticks and burrs may be found; it's important to get these things stuck on you. Ignore everything else; this is you time.
1:46 - 2:10: Stick, to it! Grab that miscellaneous stick and pull it with everything you've got! Really builds muscle... especially since it's a tree root and not going anywhere.
2:11 - 2:27: Miscellaneous trotting around.
2:28 - 3:30: Stick time II! Find a loose stick on the lawn and chew that thing to splinters! Healthy, too -- fiber!
3:31 - 3:32: Watch as a ball bounces past. Human is trying to engage by throwing ball. Ignore it; finish stick. Don't worry; human needs exercise, too. He can go pick the ball up. You're helping him!
3:33 - 3:34: Mad dash to human, who now has stick-like object instead.
3:35 - 4:00: Leap in air as high as possible to reach object while human keeps pulling it upward. What a great workout for both of you! Get those paws in the air! Slam into human occasionally! Okay, this is getting annoying! Demand stick! Must have stick! He threw it! Dang!
4:01 - 4:02: Mad dash after stick.
4:03 - 4:40: Mad dash back to human, but do not release stick! THIS IS NOW TUG TIME! Great anaerobic workout for you both. Pull him all over the yard! Yank, twist, spin -- your main object must be to get that stick. Secondary object is to plant human on his rear end. Don't let up!
4:41: You got it! Now let him get hold of it again for another set of reps!
4:42 - 5:00: Resume tug!
As you can see, this workout provides benefits and occasional injuries all around. If you send just $39.99 to frederick_key at yahoo.com today, I'll make sure you get the complete Twenty-Minute program, plus our free bonus pre-chewed Frisbee and freezable first-aid pack. How can you afford not to sign up today? Join the millions of happy puppies in backyards across this great land, getting fit the Nipper Way!
2 comments:
Nipper's routine sounds very similar to the Mongrelobics our dog performs. Especially "fetch". She's convinced it's a one-step process. When the ball/toy is thrown, it's her job to run to it and stay there. Returning it is not an option. So unless two people toss the thing back and forth, it becomes a game of "seek and identify and wait for you to come get it and maybe we'll do it again."
I had a Sheltie who would chase and return her soft cloth Frisbee All Day Long. She'd sit at my feet, I'd say "GO!" and she'd charge out in a straight line. I'd throw the Frisbee so it'd go over her head and settle towards the ground and she'd grab it in her mouth at a dead run every time, then run it back to me. It was like wide receiver drill!
I like Mongelrobics -- I'm thinking we can work up an infomercial out of this! "Want to heave piano? Punch horse? Make dog strong like bull?"
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