Environ-mental.

Today we have a couple of environmental notes for all you tree-French-kissers out there. I feel the need to establish my bone fides on this issue. Earth-friendly Fred is all about nature. I could watch it on TV all day. And look! I'm already green as can be!

Could be something I ate.

For example, here's one environmental promise I absolutely keep:

The 30 Wears Challenge: Yes, it's brutal, but you have to promise that if you buy an article of clothing, you'll actually wear it 30 times. I know! It's like, you should be a saint or something by then!

In fact, I can't tell you how many times I wear things because I wear them until they die. Seriously, unless I get too fat for an article of clothing, or my wife tells me I'm embarrassing myself wearing it (c'mon, everyone knows leisure suits are coming back), I will wear something until it falls apart. I have favorite shirts I've probably worn 30 times since April. I've worn dress shirts to the office not realizing that the cuffs and collar are literally threadbare. A pair of pants I loved just ripped along the back pocket when I reached for my wallet; I had to sit at my desk all day and stay there until no one was around. Fortunately I was driving to that job so I didn't have to wear ripped pants on the subway -- but, then again, I might have hustled some change that way. "Help out a guy with bad pants?"

Here's another environmental idea that's in keeping with the season of Halloween: Recycle yourself.

I've got a body. You've got one. Birds and bees, they all got one. All God's creatures got a body. But you know what else we all got? A day in the future when we stop using it. What do you plan to do with yours?

Well, you can stick it in a grave and take up valuable land. I kind of like cremation, though, just in case I'm not quite dead -- I'd rather be burned up at that point than awaken six feet under. (Scaaaaary!) Plus, when you're a pile of ash, you have several options for planet-friendly secondary use:

1) Tree planting.

You can have your ashes interred with a potted tree and planted. This, like all options with one's mortal remains, requires the cooperation of your survivors to carry out, but let's suppose they are nature-lovers too and can be trusted. There are still other issues with this, as the site Humour Zone notes:

Of course, we do not want haunted forests, so please include instructions that your dead-body tree be planted far from other dead-body trees. An individual haunted tree is not so terrifying.

Another option for your burned-up cremains is to be:

2) Eaten.

Cedric Voets of Cracked shares the story of a teenage girl in California who decided to bake the ashes of her dead grandpa (I guess "the ashes of her live grandpa" would be silly) into cookies for her classmates:

All said, at least nine teens ate gritty grandpappy cookies, some having been tricked into it, others volunteering for this once-past-a-lifetime experience. Though it wasn't actually that hard to get your hands on the cremains of this late, not-so-great-tasting man. Previously, the teen had offered one student a handful of the ashes in exchange for switching seats in class. And honestly, from that point on, they really should've expected that any future dealings with her would come with a side of dead grandpa.

One difficulty she ran into with her grandpa-disposal scheme is that ashes are hard to eat. I think the takeaway here is that if you want your ashes to be eaten, especially by unsuspecting enemies whom you had invited to bite your ash, you have to find some medium that works better at concealing the ashiness than sugar cookies. It's a problem, because people generally don't like gritty food. Blueberries, spinach, and of course grits can all be gritty if they're poorly prepared, but it doesn't make them easy to eat. It gets you nowhere if they just spit you out. I'd suggest having your ashes used in some kind of savory snack like a chip and handed out at the cannabis store.

And speaking of drugs, you might wish to be:

3) Snorted.

Yes, we're dragging the story about Keith "Keef" Richards snorting his old man's ashes with cocaine again, because it's the most Keith "Keef" Richards story ever. Richards claims to be clean now, though, so you are not likely to be able to get him to snort you. Start interviewing drug addicts as soon as you get a bad diagnosis, would be my recommendation. Make sure they like you. No one wants to put someone they don't care for up their nose.

👻

So there's some thoughts on these important green issues. Make the right choices and you could be as green as ol' Fred! Or you could just get there by eating some gas station chili dogs. Urp.