Wednesday, January 25, 2017

For excellence in plumbing...

Regular readers know that I've been very down on the Nobel Prize Committee over the last few years. I thought that it was silly and petty when they gave Obama a Peace Prize before he'd even had a chance to do anything, just to poke Bush in the eye. I thought it was almost as silly when they gave Bob Dylan a Literature Prize for something he barely ever did (i.e.: write). I've complained that they've never given one to Stewart Adams, inventor of ibuprofen; not to mention the inventors of Viactiv and Undo.

But those Swedes have a chance to redeem themselves now.

Of course I'm thinking of the new American Standard ActiClean self-cleaning toilet.

Just to make sure you caught the relevant part:

We're talking about a SELF-CLEANING TOILET, people.

Physics, Chemistry, Physiology... the ActiClean could take two or three Nobels.

And maybe the Peace Prize too. Cleaning the toilet, although not a laborious job, is the #3 cause of household fights, after money and kids, according to this official type chart I just drew up:


  1. Money
  2. Children
  3. Cleaning the Toilet
  4. Lamp Decor
  5. What to Get for Dinner Because It's Your Turn But I Hate Your Choices

A toilet that cleans itself could ensure domestic harmony like little else.

"But Fred," you say, "this toilet may clean itself on the inside, but someone still has to get all the hairs off the outside and disinfect the seat. It's not really totally self-cleaning."

Well, thank you for pointing that out. I admit it is a flaw in the design, and perhaps puts their Nobel in jeopardy this year. However, I think the geniuses at American Standard will take this suggestion to heart and work on a seat-cleaning device that also uses static electricity or something to get dirt and hair off the outside of the unit. ActiClean 2.0 will undoubtedly have such features, although I'd rather not volunteer for the beta testing.

Look, we all know that we are years behind the Japanese (so to speak) in toilet technology. This is the chance to nail our colors to the mast, American Standard, and grab the brass ring of toilet supremacy. Are you with me?

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