Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Angry letter to the IRS.

Dear {so to speak} IRS:

My name is Frederick Key. What's yours? Never mind; I'm sure you'll lie about it anyway.

I am writing to complain about one of your idiot compliance Nazis, or whatever you call them. "Auditors," is that the euphemism? One of them was kind enough to pay a call following my filing of my 2014 tax return, and let me say that I am furious---furious!---about how rudely we were treated.

If this so-called auditor had just been rude to me, or even my wife, I would have been able to bear it with equanimity, as one does the ravings of some poor lunatic. But the fact that he was rude about my son has left me outraged.

This "auditor" failed to even try to understand the special circumstances regarding my boy, Tralfaz, and his peculiar condition. To start, your goon should understand that despite his large size, Tralfaz is severely developmentally delayed. He has never been able to walk upright, and continues to go about on all fours. He has developed a great deal of speed and strength by doing so, which is a blessing, but try as we might we cannot teach him to stand. It is no wonder that his clothes fit poorly. And it was cruel of your flunky to make fun of him for it.

Further, Tralfaz's developmental delay has rendered him incapable of speech, something else your thug should have been more sensitive about. We find that Tralfaz makes his needs known, however, as one may to kind and loving parents. No wonder your lunkhead could only get vague sounds in response to his prodding.

Finally, it was completely uncalled for when your punk began ridiculing our boy's overgrowth of hair. It is well known that hirsutism is linked to such developmental delays as a tragic circumstance of his form of genetic disease. Had we had a moment's kindness from your snarling creep we would have explained that we head the local chapter of the charity to benefit similar victims, and we might have solicited a donation from him. But now, we're not even inclined to tell you what the charity is. We're that mad.

All this said, can it be any wonder that Tralfaz defended himself from your ruffian in the only way our poor, helpless boy could? I have no doubt that the bite marks on your idiot's leg will heal long before the emotional scars he inflicted upon us will. And we're not paying for his pants.

Poor Tralfaz is still traumatized and will only touch his food if we coax him with treats.

All that said, I am sure that after this unfortunate bullying session by your assassin, you will accept our donations to Tralfaz's charity as deductions, as well as our son's dependent status and the extra healthcare costs involved (doctors, medicine, squeaky toys, etc.). We are as honest as anyone who works for your organization, and we expect you will treat us as you would expect to be treated yourselves.

And feel free to pound this up your refund hole.


Yours etc,.

F. Key
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