On HGTV: The Property Pups.

[Property Puppies on HGTV features litter mates Jocko and Duke, who make over houses each week for lucky canine homeowners.]

Season 5, Episode 3: Wolfgang & Aurora

[Reveal scene]

Duke: And here is your fabulous new kitchen.

Aurora: Omigod! It's just what I always wanted!

Wolfgang: Wow!

Jocko: You see we ripped down the dividing wall to open the space up, then we replaced the slick tile with roughed-up hardwood so your nails can get a grip.

Wolfgang: Boy, I sure hate running in to dinner and flying into the cabinets.

Jocko: Not a problem now.

Aurora: I love the barn door!

Wolfgang: Me too! I was raised in a barn! Really!

Duke: Us too!

Wolfgang: And that bag, that comes with the kitchen?

Jocko: Yes, we replaced the old sink and oven with a ripped-open 40-pound sack of kibble and a continuous water feature. You'll have to replace the bag every now and then.

Aurora: Every couple of days, the way he eats!

(chuckles)

Wolfgang: Hey, let's have a little bite right now!

Duke: Not right now! We have to go look at your master bedroom!

[in bedroom]

Aurora: I LOVE it! Look at those beds!

Wolfgang: Comfy.

Jocko: We pulled up the old carpet and ripped down the wallpaper, then added two dog beds. Quick fix and under budget.

Aurora: And these beds are machine washable?

Duke: Yep, never have to use the vacuum cleaner on them.

Everyone: YAY!

Duke: Let's have a look at the master bathroom.

[in bathroom]

Aurora: Oh, my gosh, it is HUGE!

Jocko: Yes, this half acre of nature was the backyard, but we repurposed it into the master bath by tearing down the deck and adding some trees, a wading pool... and that's pretty much it.

Wolfgang: This is awesome. No bathtub?

Jocko: No.

Everyone: YAY!

Duke: We'll leave you two to get settled into your new home.

Aurora: You guys are the greatest!

Jocko: Good luck with your litter!

[Duke and Jocko outside]

Jocko: Well, that went pretty well. All that work and I didn't muss a hair.

Duke: Except for that cowlick.

Jocko: That's not a cowlick, that was from Mom.

Duke: Mom always licked you best.

[credits, promo]

And here's to you, Mrs. Robin.

If you've been following Nature Blog here, you know that I have a robin's nest under my deck (deck, that is, not desk) (although that would be interesting) that has a robin that flees whenever I or the dog draws near. Until recently it also had a bright blue egg. Now:

That little spike was twitching around, and I'm pretty certain it was the beak of a baby robin, waiting for Mom to come back and hurl some lunch into it.

Congratulations, Mrs. Robin! It's a... robin!

I knew something was up because there were at least two angry robins peeping at me when I took that picture, and boy were they mad. Got to protect the baby!

I think the robins may also be a little on edge because this nest is right near the A/C unit. Maybe that thing going on and off has made them a little deranged. Poor robins! Oh, well, they should have built next door. The neighbor's unit is around the corner from their deck.

On the topic of nature: You may also recall that I have a 15-year-old azalea that I was pretty sure had croaked during our second consecutive brutal winter. Well:

He showed me! Well played, azalea! There wasn't a lot of flowering this year, but there sure as heck been a lot of leafing. So good job!

And that's our nature report today, except for this guy:

You'd better believe the dog was fascinated by this interloper. He wanted to go nose-to-nose with him, And although he has a hundred pounds on the turtle, I knew he would keep at it until we had to make a trip to the vet with a nipped and bleeding nose. Seemed that Shelly here was trying to get across the street for mating purposes (not mating porpoises, which would be ridiculous) (but interesting). Once I got the dog away, I shoveled up Shelly and deposited him across the street. I didn't want him getting run over along the way either. Turtle Pancake would have also attracted the dog.

So that's your suburban nature update for the week. Back inside to the A/C!

UPDATE: Baby bird? Looks kind of big. Maybe they brought in a babysitter.

Igor.

"About this tall? Don't need the brain."

Feng Guy.

I've been making a study of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of developing harmony and peace through Chi in the home, office, minivan, dog house, etc., and my main discovery is: Women like this stuff more than men do. Although a great many practitioners and experts are male, women are the ones who buy the books, hire the consultants, and get men to move around the furniture.

I think there's an enormous untapped market here for men, but I just can't see men getting all worked up about it, even if the Five Elements (wood, earth, water, fire, and metal) in the home feature too much water, making them overemotional.

So I've worked up a new school of Feng Shui called Feng Guy, designed with guys in mind. (I am not the first to make a Feng Guy crack, but I didn't know that when I made it up, and I did it all by myself! Besides, I am a feng guy.) I expect I'll be hosting a show about it soon on HGTV, or one of the 600-level channels anyway. Here's a sneak preview of the kind of advice we'll be giving guys.

###

When you design your bachelor pad, you want to make sure you have a good flow of energy. That's what we Feng Shui efforts know as Chi, which is short for Cheez. I recommend getting that spray cheese, and lots of it. People call it Cheez Whiz, but we experts know that Cheez Whiz is the stuff that comes in the jar; you want Easy Cheese. That's the aerosol. If your Chi is still feeling a little low, order one of those stuffed-crust pizzas, the kind that have all the mozzarella in the crust. That'll get the Chi flowing. 

###

Guys, we all know that there are three Major Elements in Feng Guy: Rock, Paper, and Scissors. To achieve balance in your place, you need to get lots of rocks, lots of paper, and lots of scissors. The rocks are pretty easy to get, unless you live in the city, in which case you can substitute bricks. Paper should be a snap---in addition to the unpaid bills hanging around on the table, you might have paper towels, or even toilet paper. Come to think of it, you really should have toilet paper. As for scissors, remember, that's just a modern term for ancient cutlery. You know how cool guys with lots of dough like to have big swords over the fireplace? Bingo.

###

Your man cave can have excellent Chi, and all the elements, but you really need to think big. This is the MAN cave, not the LITTLE GIRL cave. You need to get some effort into it. I'm thinking...

Oh, yeah, baby. That'll Yin your Yang for ya.

Blarg.

Not much to report today; spent most of Friday trying to work, attending a long meeting, and wobbling through the day while feeling wonky. Last night it was all I could do to collapse, annoy the dog, and watch reruns of Mythbusters. Of course, I treated my illness with all proper medications, used only as directed.

I think this may have passed its "Best By" date though.

So I hope I will have something for you Sunday that will make it worth your while to stop by. I always want to have something amusing or interesting; it is, after all, supposed to be your Daily Dose of Vitamin Fred, not just your Dose When I Feel Up to It.

If someone has a mom or gramma they can spare who has a crackerjack chicken soup recipe or something, please let me borrow her? Thanks a lot.

"Now take some more Ex-Lax and
stop bitching and moaning, dearie."

Chraracters.

Today is Peter Lorre's 111th birthday, or would be if he hadn't died at the age of 59 in 1964. As Don Imus says, you stop having birthdays when you're dead---and Imus being 74 years old, I guess he'll find out soon enough.

I actually like Imus, so don't get on me. One thing he and Peter Lorre (born László Löwenstein) have in common: anyone who's heard them can imitate them. Lorre was quoted as saying, "All that anyone needs to imitate me is two soft-boiled eggs and a bedroom voice."

Come on---look at Lorre's face. Aren't you just ready to start saying, with a crazed and shaky voice, "How can somebody be so stupid!"*

"Hm, what right do I have to think, huh?"**

Old-time movie actors, especially character actors like Lorre, but also many leading men, were not just actors but characters. Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart were great actors, but their personal characteristics were seen in every role. Character actors like Edward Everett Horton, Eric Blore, Eugene Pallette, Boris Karloff, and of course Lorre had set characters; they could be comedic, tragic, or even menacing, but they were essentially the same guys. That's why they're so imitable, while actors like Spencer Tracy, who always tried to inhabit their characters, are not. When was the last time you heard someone do a Spencer Tracy imitation?

Does that mean that these old characters were lousy actors? Hardly. Developing a showbiz persona was a feature, not a bug. Even in those days "working actor" was something of an oxymoron; and an actor who was typecast was an actor who was cast. The ability of these character actors to inhabit characters convincingly varied, of course; but the vividness of these actors on screen was always apparent.

So, let's hear your Mark Wahlberg impression. Or Channing Tatum?

Robert Pattinson?

Can you imagine anyof them, or any of the other guys working today, giving justice to a line like:

"You... you bungled it. You and your stupid attempt to buy it. Kemedov found out how valuable it was, no wonder we had such an easy time stealing it. You... you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fat-head you!"***

Happy birthday, Mr. Lorre---even if you've stopped having them, we're still enjoying your pictures.

------

*Arsenic and Old Lace

**Casablanca

***The Maltese Falcon

Candy Crush confession.

I gave up.

I had it. I couldn't take the pressure anymore.

I kept trying and trying but I couldn't beat it.

I started having nightmares about chocolate.

NIGHTMARES. ABOUT CHOCOLATE. 

You see how evil it is?

I would try to get past The Level once in a while, but no luck. It was too much for me.

Level 361.

Apparently it has baffled others, because people have posted a lot of whines and frustrations over it, not to mention cheats and tips. And yet it doesn't even make various lists of the hardest levels.

But it got to be too much. I realized one day that I hadn't played Candy Crush in months because I was so sick of trying to beat that level. And it was worse than that. When I looked myself in the eye, I realized that I no longer wanted to bring all ingredients down to the bottom. I didn't care if I didn't clear all the jelly. It was over.

I shall erase the app and wipe out months of work, just like that.

What a relief.

What a colossal waste of time.

Crush on, O crushers of candy; I've made a separate piece (of candy). I've said a farewell to crushing. I'm a non-candy-batant. Peace out, Tiffi; later, Mr. Toffee. I will crush no more---

Hey, some of those tips look kind of helpful. And what's this with Sugar Drops? Something new?

Hmmm.....