Thursday, January 31, 2019

Needful things.

"The Necessary"

by Frederick Key

When winter hits
And makes us all sad
The freezing cold makes us feel awfully bad
Four little things
Stop us being dead:
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

Quick! To the store!
We mustn’t be late!
Open at seven, sold out by eight
Those magical things
That save us from dread:
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

“Four little things
We can’t go without!”
Shoppers pushing their carts will all shout
“Keeping us clean
And even well fed!
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread!”

Gather them up
Through aisles we race
Punch the other guys right in the face
They get in your way
They make you see red!
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

Don’t dawdle now
It’ll all be your fault
If we get stuck ’cause you had to buy salt
Just focus on
The quartet instead:
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

Get to the line
You can take the express
You certainly got just ten items or less
Remember the thing
Your ol' mama said:
"Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread!"

Jam in the car
And stomp on the gas
We got what we need and we’re gonna haul ass
Only some tracks
Will show that we fled
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

Back to the house
And hunker on down
While winter’s wide paintbrush whitens the town
Our stuff is secure
That’s using your head!
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

The wind it is raging
Pelts us with sleet
Time to snuggle up under the sheet
We’ll ride out the storm all cozy in bed
Toilet paper, milk, eggs, and bread

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Always looking for an edge.

2022, Beijing: After the record-shattering jump of Bobby Jim Hernandez from Amarillo, Texas,
pinto beans are put on the IOC's banned substances list. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Characters that killed names.

I was thinking about the unpopularity of certain great names -- like, oh I don't know, Frederick -- and how they often become unpopular because they get linked in the popular consciousness with certain characters. It doesn't even matter if the character is supposed to be a goofball; just the fact that a name becomes famously associated with a character makes it toxic playground fodder. And I ought to know, having been called Flintstone for most of my childhood.

Here are some examples.

Lois -- There is nothing wrong with the name Lois. It's pretty, but not too girly; it's Biblical; and it means "more desirable." And it hasn't been in the top 1,000 names on the Social Security Index of popular baby names in this century. Why? Because every Lois is going to be asked how Superman's doing (hyuk hyuk hyuk). On that note, Clark, popular at one time due to Clark Gable (which is how the character Clark Kent got his first name), has fallen off, but strangely is making a comeback; from #761 in 2000 to #380 in 2017. Doesn't that open up boys to get a beatdown in the schoolyard? ("Guess I got a pocket fulla kryptonite, huh?") I wonder if hipsters have started to name their daughters Clark. (Funny note: Superman's creators were not thinking of the Lewis and Clark expedition when they named Lois and Clark -- just a coincidence, I guess.)

On the topic of superhero first names, I've addressed Bruce before (#431, currently in a long holding pattern).

Homer -- Okay, Homer was never going to be popular again unless there was a big revival of classical learning in this country, which, given the state of modern colleges, is rather somewhat less than impossible. Kids come out dumber than they went in. Even if that were not the case, The Simpsons killed all hope of a Homer revival. Bart and Bartholomew are also not in the top 1,000. (Trivia note: Something about the name Homer seems to attract doughnuts, as in the book Homer Price and two films made of the titular character's adventures with the baked goods. Maybe it's the big O in Homer that does it.)

Bert and Ernie -- And speaking of duos, one doesn't meet many Berts or Ernies around since Sesame Street introduced its iconic Muppet roomies. There are Ernests -- but at #967, barely in the top 1,000 and falling almost every year since 2000. Clearly, there is no longer any importance to being earnest. Albert is hanging in there at #430, but has been dropping steadily since it was #280 in 2001. Not sure whether we can blame the fall of Albert on Bert, as we don't know if that's Bert's full name, and Fat Albert didn't do the name any favors. But Bertram hasn't in the top 1,000 for like, ever. Something's making Bert fail.

Felix and Oscar -- Another outstanding name-killing duo are Felix and Oscar from The Odd Couple, but the further back the movie and the TV show recede in our cultural memory the safer Felix seems to become. It has climbed from #376 in 2000 to #276 in 2017. Oscar's fortunes, perhaps conflated with that of the well-known grouch, have gone in the opposite direction, falling from #122 to #192. I think the reason the name ranks even that high is that there's a lot of love for it still in Hispanic communities.

Spiffy and Fleabag are not in the top 1,000...
Coincidence? 

Archie -- Had to have been killed by Archie Bunker from All in the Family; neither Archie nor Archibald are in the top 1,000 names. There was a time when we had Archies all over the place, but I guess we used them all up, and now they're gone.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! -- Of all the names from The Brady Bunch, Marsha is the best remembered, which seems to have killed it outright. Marsha Brady was pretty and popular, but the name doesn't rank in the top 1,000, even with the more cultured spelling Marcia. Jan as a girl's name is also not in the top 1,000, by the way, so Jan's revenge is incomplete.

Casper -- I usually think of the villain from The Maltese Falcon first, but the Friendly Ghost is the one that probably still leaps to mind for most people. Others may think of Caspar Weinberger, the late secretary of defense, or a variation of the legendary name for one of the Magi. I will go with the ghost, because Casper (or Caspar) is not in the ranking, and thus a ghost of its former self.

Donald -- Been a long, slow decline for Donald; currently at #488 but at #217 in 2000. Yes, Donald is a little geeky, but Don is cool. Many cool Dons out in pop history. I think Disney's duck has slowly strangled the name. You might as well name your kid Daffy.

Dexter and Hannibal -- Popular culture's favorite psychopathic murderers have not only killed dozens of characters in horrible ways, but they've also killed their names dead. Too bad; Dexter is associated with right-handedness and thus propriety (also dyeing, which is weird); and Hannibal was the general from Carthage who almost destroyed Rome. Good names with a lot of life left in them... but not anymore.

For the record, Frederick is bobbing around at #494. Barney and Wilma, though, aren't in the top 1,000.

To be fair, most of these names are considered dorky now anyway, which is why they were chosen for those characters. It helps make them memorable. Most are boys' names, maybe because boy characters are dorkier than girl characters, or maybe because girls are stealing all the good boy names.

I think eventually Harry (as in Harry Potter) might get the treatment, when the books and movies start to look old-fashioned. Maybe around the time there's a big Bertha revival.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Stop stealing our names!

Freditor's note: The brief essay below was written for my old, defunct blog, in discussion of a matter of national interest -- the constant swiping of boys' names for girls, which immediately and irrevocably turns them into girls' names forever. I thought I had rerun this piece before and wanted to link to it in regard to another topic, and was shocked to see that I had not. Well, here it is, with a little updating. We'll address the other topic on Tuesday.


👦👧👦👧👦👧👦👧


I guess it's a class thing. Poor folks seem to like to make up weird names for their children, like Nevaeh ("It's heaven backward!" Which would be...hell?). I can appreciate the idea; every child is precious and unique, so why not a unique name? Etc. Okay, I would not do that, and I am very glad my parents did not do that, but point taken.

The normal names seem to hit the middle class. Johns, Marys, Roberts, Jerrys, Jills, Lauras, Freds (!), Marions, names with a solid track record tend to come from the solid middle class.

Then there are the upper classes--think Park Slope and up. These folks have some odd notions of names. This is nothing new. They like to use last names as first names (Madison, Murphy, ) or places (Brooklyn, London) or ancient Biblical or just out-of-date names (Zeke, Agatha). I guess it works out okay -- if your first name is O'Hara, are you in danger of being picked on by little Methuselah and Throgs Neck? You can all suffer together.

But one thing I object to is the blatant thievery of moms stealing men's names for baby girls. We lost Tracy, Leslie, Lindsay, and Morgan some time ago. We're losing Jordan, Drew, Dylan, Cameron, Brett, Alex, Gray, Ellery, Jesse, Parker, Schuyler, and others now. Many are not stolen by outright theft, but by taking a girl's name and shortening it to the boy's name (like Alex, Bobby, Micky, George, Sam, even Fred!).

Nameberry lists a bunch of unisex names, noting that "Most unisex names lean at least slightly towards one gender or the other". But in fact, once a name has leaned toward the girl side, it's dead as a boy's name. Even in these modern times, no person with any regard for the opinion of anyone else names a boy Sue.

So stop stealing our names! (We still have James, but he may be going fast....) Goodness knows they're stealing everything else from boys. 

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Infamous last words.

A friend of mine pointed out an interesting piece in The Atlantic about what people really say when they're about to die. It's not a "famous last words" piece, although we certainly enjoy those.

So did Callahan -- wonder what his were.

Knowing that we're all going to go sometime, and we only get one shot at our Last Words, I've decided to select what I want to use and commit it to memory. I figure if I work at it hard enough, I'll spew them out even if I'm in a lot of pain or advanced dementia. Here are some I've been toying with. Feel free to add some suggestions in comments; I'm not married to these.

💀 It was... no fun whatsoever.

💀 My only regret is not buying Apple in 2000.

💀 Do an autopsy! Mitt Romney is behind this!

💀 Quick! What's today's date? [After being told] Really? The prophecy is coming true... Saskatchewan will be the only safe place...

💀 The answer is actually forty-three.

💀 Always remember: The only card you need is the Ace of Spades.

💀 I see a golden light... shining gates approaching... and figures like angels... they're saying things ... "Welcome, Fred" ... and "This way to heaven"... and "You'll never have to deal with [name of most annoying nurse] up here."

💀 Tell Patterson he'll have to write his own goddamn books from now on.

💀 Peanut brittle.

💀 You'll all be hearing from my lawyer in the morning.

💀 And that's our show. Good night!

💀 Look there’s this dough see … there’s all this dough, 350 G’s. Do you hear what I'm sayin'? 350G’s! In the park in Rosita, Rosita Big State Park, just south of Dago, in Santa Rosita. It’s in this box buried under this (cough) buried under ... [thud]

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Such a steal!


You should see the explosive bargains around back in the Michael Bay lot!

Friday, January 25, 2019

Pizza rules!

What is happening to the pizzas in this country?

Why, in MY day, pizza was matzo with ketchup on it, and we were thrilled.

Okay, strike that. We did have various kinds of pizza and toppings, but basically you had two varieties: flat and round or fat and square. The fat and square was "Sicilian." The flat and round was "pizza."


Flat, round.


I was all right when Chicago style made it this far east, although by being fat and round it seemed to be violating the code. Still, I was willing to be broadminded about regionalisms. 

Variety!

When the California nonsense drifted this way, though, it was clear that something wrong---really wrong---was happening to these pizzas. Things like fruit...if it goes on a tart it should not go on a pizza. And then Pizza Hurt started to do strange and unnatural things with cheese. Injecting it into the crust. Stuffing it in the dough. Strange, unnatural cheese activities.

Clearly, this all has to stop, if it's not already too late. Here, therefore, are The Rules:

THINGS THAT MAY BE ON A PIZZA
Tomato sauce
Mozzarella cheese
Pepperoni
Meatballs
Tomato
Onions
Garlic
Bell pepper
Mushrooms (limited varieties)
Italian sausage
Anchovies (if you must)
Olive oil
Olives
Clams (borderline, though)
Herbs (mainly oregano, basil)
Parmesan cheese
Romano cheese
Parsley
Provolone cheese
Hot pepper flakes


THINGS THAT PROBABLY SHOULD NOT BE ON A PIZZA
Chicken
Squid
Crab
Capers
Broccoli
Fiddleheads
Mushrooms (all the other varieties)
Swiss cheese
Paté
Baloney
Potatoes
Avocado
Shrimp
Pasta
Another crust
Cheddar cheese


THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ON A PIZZA
American cheese
Mustard
Rice
Water chestnuts
Pineapple
Nuts (includes peanuts, peanut butter, hardware)
Turkey
Ginger
Velveeta
Icing and candles
Cinnamon
Booze
Miscellaneous objects
Catfish
Auto parts
Fried eggs
Soylent Green
Peppermint
Breakfast sausage
Chocolate
Sushi

Nickels & dimes
Hair
Lettuce
Gum
Clothing

So these would be my pizza rules. Of course, all this is just my opinion, but I am right and you know I am right. After all you can put anything on something edible and flat, but that doesn't make it pizza.