Open office plan.

"Oh, sure, the open office takes a little getting used to, but you'll love the communication and collaboration!"

Fuzzy varmint at the Lowe's.

Just minding my own business over by the gardening tools at the Lowe's, when I was accosted by this hairy little gray scalawag -- and no, I don't mean a member of Crosby, Still, and Nash:

What a naughty little varmint! Less than two feet away from me!

Why's the might predator so close? Probably because I was standing between him and sacks of bird seed. The little sidewindin' bushwhacker.

I've seen plenty of birds in the big box stores, especially Home Depot and Lowe's. Lots of plants and things to interest them, and that have many doors opening constantly. But I've never been so assaulted, like a salted peanut.

This Lowe's was within the five boroughs of Greater New York, so this squirrel was like, "Yo, outta my way, mofo." He could have easily leaped on my face, but he was trying to play it cool. "Do me a solid. Don't drop a dime on me, aight? I wouldn't wanna have to use one a dese shovels on ya."

I reminded him that he was a hairy little creep, that this life of crime was a one-way trip up the river t crossbar hotel, Sing Sing, the clink, the hoosegow, stir, Cinder Block Castle, the pokey, the cooler, the hot box, the slammer, the lockup, the House of Many Doors.

Then I had to go.

He's probably still there, getting fat as a beach ball on bird seed.

Jerk.

No-ah-dea why!

"Religious audiences slam Darren Aronofsky's retelling of the Noah story" - The Telegraph

"There it is, my children! God's promise that he will not destroy the world again, and that He wants us to support gay marriage!"

Post-Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day: The Encapitation.

Yesterday was the first annual Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day, and I had big hopes of perannotatin' da streets of Noo Yawk, hearin' people droppin' malaprops and wise-guyisms with great acrumb. But sadly, da streets remained unpolluted wit' Slip Mahoney imitators.

Dis is depressatatin'.

Well, Leo, it was just the first annual. We'll start earlier next year. We'll move the decorations into the stores right after Easter. Peeps out, Slip in. We'll have a big Black Toisday sale or something. Get people fired up weeks beforehand. Sell malaprop dictionaries and English/Bowery Boy translator apps.

Maybe it slipped (har!) some minds. Mr. Philbin says he totally forgot for most of the day, until he slipped (hyuk!) some dese and dose into his dialogue after supper.

So assuming that mere forgetfulness was our downfall, I resist his suggestion that we were up against pushback from the Talk Like a Pirate guys. Sure, those guys are scurvied scalawags and all, but their day doesn't fall until September. I consider us cohorts, not competitors. Of course, in the Bowery Boys' film Hold That Hypnotist, it was suggested that in a past life Slip's sidekick Sach Jones snagged a map leading to Blackbeard's treasure, so there may be some bad feelings.

Anyway, enough of this stupidity! Back to our regular stupidity tomorrow!

Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day is here!

So da day is finally here, da day we rememberate our ol' pal Slip Mahoney, king of the Noo Yawk malapropism and central protractorist of most of da Bowery Boys movies. Slip was portrayed by dat esteemed thesaurus Leo Gorcey, who expiated on dis date in 1969.

Da Bowery Boys began as da Dead End Kids in da 1937 Cagney pitcher Dead End, den went on ta do movies and serials as da Little Tough Guys, den da East Side Kids, and finally da Bowery Boys. Da flicks stahted as crime adventures wit some comedy and eventually turned into comedy wit some crime adventures. Troughout most of da Bowery Boys era, Slip Mahoney was da king (and Leo Gorcey owned a hunk of the production company).

Da flicks had most of da ushal street types in movies---dummies, palookas, babyface lovers, dippers, gorillas, yeggs, you name it---but Slip was a classic of da type of fast-talkin' woik-aversive dropout whose tough exterior hid a knightly interior. He could crack wise with da best of 'em, but was expecially good at misusin' da language.

You can see Slip doin' his thing here, in the opener* of 1954's The Bowery Boys Meet the Monsters:

Now dat you'ze seen da maestaro in action, I'm sure you can eviscerate his technique. Let us know how youze make out. (And remember to trow in some insults to yer idiot sidekicks. Dat's anuddah Slip trademark.)

*Something I didn't know when I was watching these things as a kid: Leo Gorcey's father, 4'10" Bernard, played Louie Dumbrowski, proprietor of the soda shop. The Bowery Boys were kind of a family business---Leo's brother David actually appeared in more of the Bowery Boys movies than Leo did.

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow is the first annual Talk Like Slip Mahoney Day, in honor of the 45th anniversary of the death of Bowery Boys great Leo Gorcey.

If you've never seen the old Bowery Boys movies, you may be asking, "Gee, Fred, I would love to participate, but how do I, a random person, talk like Gorcey's most famous movie character?"

Here's your refresher:

Adopt an old-fashioned dese-and-dose type New York City accent (some say Brooklynese, but remember, the Bowery is on the Lower East Side) and misuse large words in an attempt to sound educated.

Let's take a sample sentence and Slip Mahoneyize it for your edification:

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.

First, let's get that Noo Yawk thing going.

Now is da time for all good men ta come to da aid of dere country.

Then, we judiciously replace key words with high-falutin' words---uh, woids.

Now is da epoch for all creditable men ta come to da facilitation of dere coalition.

Then replace the high-falutin' words with other, improperly used high-falutin' words, or at least mispronounce the words:

Now is da epoxy for all credulous men ta come to da facsimile of dere coalification.

See? Street malaprops!

Not too difficult, although it may take a little thought. As I've noted before, it takes consideration to act stupid. Although it must be pretty easy to be stupid. Either that, or stupid people make it look easy. Or something. I'm getting confuserated.

Okay, kids, go out there tomorrow and talk like Slip Mahoney all day! And remember, foretought is da secret ta proper exegesis.

Weddings and japes.

It's almost June, or as the magazines tell us, wedding season! Much like hunting season, you have to get a license. You have to buy special clothes. You get to eat afterward. And also like hunting season, even if you think you know what you're shooting for, you may have some surprises when you bring it home.

If you're a wedding guest this season, you may think it's a great chance to pull some classic practical jokes. Think again, buster! Doing something destructive and ruining someone's special day just for a stupid joke is absolutely out of bounds. Don't even consider it!

Not unless you have a really, really funny idea.

So do not take any of these ideas to heart:

• Bribe caterer to make exploding cake.
• Wire up mother-of-the-bride's pew; when the minister asks if anyone has any objections, send enough of a jolt down the line to make her leap up like terrified pigeon.
• Arrange big ball to drop from above altar right as the couple says "I do" so they can be chased out of the church Indiana Jones-style.
• You know that special rug they unroll down the aisle for the bride? Get one reinforced so it snaps back like a slappy bracelet.
• Sneak into groom's room the night before ceremony; raise hem on rental pants legs five inches.
• Superglue on groom underpants also an option.
• Secretly stuff softballs down every toilet in reception hall.
• Replace all meat in catering kitchen with Spam.
• Dance floor? WD-40!
• For outdoor weddings, hire a biplane to seed the clouds. Or buzz the ceremony. Or at least to trail a banner casting aspersions on the virtues of the bride.
• Beach weddings require flash mobs of spontaneous nude bathers.
• Hire a hooker to come in during the ceremony, slap the groom, depart. Hilarious!
• Find out if bride is allergic to any flowers and replace bouquet with bunch of that. Can you say gesundheit?
• Replace DJ's music files with complete collection from 31 Years of the Lawrence Welk Show.
• Band? Stuff cheese in the instruments like Lucy Ricardo did on the way back from Europe.
• Secretly change the names on all the hotel reservations.
• Call minster to reschedule wedding; get boozy bum off street dressed as minster; break into chapel before wedding; pay phony minister to perform ceremony. Tell couple 10 years later they get a do-over.