Mutton-headed princesses.

I've worked on a few books for young readers over the years, most of which are targeted toward girls. Publishers will tell you that they barely bother with books for boys above grammar school age because boys don't read for fun. So they neglect boys' books and the spiral continues. 

I mention this because I don't want someone to think I'm just picking on fictional princesses today. No doubt there'd be plenty of fictional princes to pick on too, if boys were reading, and if boys were encouraged to believe in themselves beyond all reason the way girls are. 

That's the rub, right there. In almost every girls' book these days, there comes a time when the girl hero (we don't call them heroines anymore because that's a diminutive), who has been shoved aside by her oppressors, has a chance to sound off and show everyone how wrong they are. She doesn't have to know anything, as long as she believes in herself. Of course, the young lady's brilliance and goodness and courage dazzles everyone, and the bad guys are eschewed while the princess is tiara-cized. 

you go girl

We call this the Greta move, after Greta Thunberg, who may not be aware that the only reason she was able to tell off the UN when she was a child was because she was doing the bidding of the very adults she was telling off. But that's a longer, larger, more lousy story. 

What really bothers me, though, is that as bright as the young princess is, she can't be any smarter than the writer, and that's a problem. I remember one book where the princess discovers how poor the peasantry in town is, and resolves to fix this by looting the royal treasury and throwing gold out to everyone higgledy piggledy. 

No one in the book is smart enough to explain the concept of devaluation, how if you give every peasant five pounds of gold, two gold coins will no longer be enough to buy a fine horse. Sure, the princessdom will look nicer, with everyone making gold utensils and things, but the value of gold will plummet. Whatever's left in the treasury will lose value as well. Of course, brigands from elsewhere will be happy to come rob from the easy-pickin' peasants and take the loot back home where gold still has value. 

These things are simple economics, not hard to understand, but they are not as obvious as knowing that if you let go of an object it will drop. Many things in life are like that. If you're in a sealed room and you turn off the light, why does it get dark? The room is sealed; where did the light go? Guess what: It won't stay bright just because you think it should and really want it to. Neither will the peasants be prosperous because you give away the store.

Sadly, the princesses in these books are also a model for political figures who cannot understand why people stay poor when you print so much money for them. 

It makes me sad, it truly does, that the basics of economics are not taught in schools, or at least not taught well enough to act as a counter to this kind of magical thinking. Prosperity is difficult. Poverty is easy. How people get through high school without understanding even that is beyond me.

The other Goldilocks.

One of the joys of ambling through used-book stores, back when such things existed, was the fortuitous find of books long out of print, forgotten perhaps but still worth reading. I discovered quite a few authors that way in my younger days. 

Most of those stores are gone now, but at least we still have Project Gutenberg, which is quickly becoming the repository of the literary past. In Bradbury's classic Fahrenheit 451, there is a group dedicated to committing books to memory so that civilization can be restored when the dystopic government falls. Project Gutenberg is certainly doing its bit to help. 

Looking through old books is quite educational. For example, I happened to discover the story of Goldilocks in an old kids' book on Gutenberg while looking for something else. 

What's that, Fred? You don't know the story of Goldilocks, the food thief, vandal, and squatter?      

No, not that Goldilocks; the other one. 

Her, I know.

This other Goldilocks is a princess! Her story can be found in two books on Gutenberg: The Blue Fairy Book edited by Andrew Lang (1889) and Fairy Tales (vol. 1) by M. F. Lansing (1907). She is called either Pretty Goldilocks or Fair Goldilocks; she is a princess and has no need of raiding bears' houses. The only thing she has in common with the more famous O.G. is the color of her hair. 

Royal Goldy, the Hot Tomato

This Goldy is such a stunner ("the prettiest creature in the world") that a foreign king sends a massive retinue to her place, with a pile of loot that Musk and Bezos would envy, to ask for her hand in marriage. She says no thanks, and politely returns the presents, only keeping a box of pins (either because she liked them or to show the king that she appreciated the gesture, depending on your story source). The king is miserable at this rejection. One of his courtiers, a fellow named Charming, says that he thinks he could have gotten Goldilocks to come back with him. So you know what comes next. The king says Go get her, then! No, these are medieval types; the king, feeling mocked, orders Charming to be locked in the tower and starved to death. 

Of course, all-around good guy Charming had not intended to mock the king; he is hurt by this injustice. The king later has a change of heart and speaks with Charming, who explains that he meant he could bring back Goldilocks for the king. Oy! After seeing to Charming's needs, the king wants to send the boy off with a bunch of court suck-ups to get the girl for him. Charming says nay nay -- just a horse and the king's letters to the girl will suffice. 

On his way to see the princess, Charming has some minor adventures that demonstrate his kind heart (you can read them yourself; trust me, he's a nice kid), and word gets to Goldilocks that he's a great guy and one fine figure of a man, too. Nevertheless, Goldy gives him some quests. He must find a ring that she lost in the river a month ago, kill a murderous giant, and fetch a potion from the terrible Gloomy Cavern. Easy-peasy! Fortunately, Charming has a dog named Frisk (or maybe Frolic) who talks to him, and the help of the animals he was kind to on his journeys, so it all works out.    

Satisfied, Goldilocks agrees to go to the king's city and marry the guy, although she says Charming and she could have stayed at her place and she would have married him. Of course, Charming is an honorable man of his word, and would not backstab the king that way. 

The king marries Goldilocks and does what you'd expect -- get jealous and have Charming arrested and thrown in the tower to starve to death. You might think that we're dealing with one of the more soft-headed variety of fairy-tale kings. All this chucking people into towers to starve -- where does that get you in the end? You think the mournful cries of the victim will warn everyone that the king will tolerate no disobedience, but it just brings the mood of the place down. 

It all works out, of course. The king accidentally poisons himself with the potion from the Gloomy Cavern, Goldy sets Charming free and marries him, and Frolic (or Frisk) lives with them happily ever after. 

This is such an interesting story, where kindness is rewarded and duplicity (and stupidity) are punished, and a nice cautionary tale about the problems of absolute monarchy. It doesn't really have the homespun charm of our better-known porridge stealer, and it's got some noble quest/bad monarch/talking animal stuff that could be added to and taken from other fairy tales like so many software plugins. But it's pretty good, and the fact that the princess proposes to and saves the hero is different, so it definitely does have its merits. 

Like I said, you never know what you might find when you start poking around old books. There's all kinds of gold in there. 

Always trying to get you to their pad.

"You know, Cin, on second thought, I don't like the look of this place."

Moaning.

As I noted early this year, we like a good animated film around these parts. We're not much for horror movies and we have the standard female/male disagreement over rom coms vs. shoot-'em-ups. But we both grew up enjoying Wile E. Coyote getting blown to charcoal, so we still have fondness for well-done animated films. Here one we finally got around to.

Moana is an interesting Disney princess movie in some regards, one being that it pokes fun at Disney princess movies. For example, the heroine has the most useless animal sidekick in probably all the Disney movies, including Flounder and Pascal, who never amounted to much. But Heihei the stupid rooster is my favorite character in the film, providing about 80% of the laughs. (The story of how the character Heihei wound up so stupid is told here.)

Heihei: Not too bright.

On the whole Moana is an entertaining film -- pirate coconuts could improve probably any film, including Easy Rider -- but I did have some complaints. Of course I did. I always do. I almost called this entry "Bitchin' and Moana" but I was afraid it wouldn't be clear what I meant by bitchin' -- I mean my complaining.

Much as I hate to object to the shining halo of St. Lin-Manuel Miranda, I didn't enjoy most of the songs. They quickly became a tiresome collection of "I'm Great" tunes, and the more serious they were the worse they were.

Don't believe me? Here are some of the numbers and what they're about:

• "Where You Are" -- We are awesome
• "How Far I'll Go" -- I am awesome
• "You're Welcome" -- I am awesome
• "Shiny" -- I am awesome
• "We Know the Way" -- We are awesome

That's their entire function, telling about the awesomeness of the various singers. The best of these songs, THE best song in the movie, and in my mind the only good one, goes to Maui. "You're Welcome" is not only a catchy tune, it's also a hilarious number with excellent animation that establishes character and history in a terrific way. It says "I'm awesome" in a way that tells you "I am full of myself." Miranda wrote it, so big fishhooks up on that.

Moana's own song, "How Far I'll Go," by contrast, is annoying, repetitious, and completely self-centered but not in a funny way. Let's have a look at some princess songs of the past and what they told us about the characters:

• Snow White, "Someday My Prince Will Come" -- I would love to find somebody worthy of my love
• Pocahontas, "Colors of the Wind" -- I love this place and I love nature
• Sleeping Beauty, "Once Upon a Dream" -- Love is wonderful and I sleep a lot
• Belle, "Belle" -- I want to see the world
• Tiana, "Almost There" -- I want to accomplish great things
• Ariel, "Part of Your World" -- I would love to see this wonderful place you live in
• Jasmine, "A Whole New World" -- What a wonderful world this is, and you're nice too
• Rapunzel, "When Will My Life Begin?" -- I am going nuts in this tower
• Elsa, "Let It Go" -- I'm gonna destroy everything with ice power

("Let It Go" doesn't actually count, as it was a queen's song, not a princess song, and Elsa is the villain of the movie, no matter what the girls think.)

These songs tend to be directed outward, not just a celebration of the wearisome Me. Tiana's and Belle's songs are close to Moana's, as they show a desire for adventure and recognition, but they also show the characters at their innocent stage; Belle and Tiana would find their dreams but become deeper, wiser people later. Even though they achieve their goals, they don't reprise the songs; they are more mature now. Moana does reprise her crummy song because she doesn't change at all. A little more gutsy and confident, sure, but while other characters may say "I've learned so much" she says "I was right all the time."

As for Tamatoa, the enormous monster crab who sings "Shiny," he's my other main objection to the film. He's not the big bad, but in a way he's worse. He's the only Disney villain I can recall that gave off a real molesterish vibe; anyone else catch that? There's something seriously icky going on that is too much for children's entertainment. Plus his song is dreary and annoying (Miranda co-wrote), the worst in the movie.

My biggest disappointment (spoiler coming!) is when Moana returns to her home island following her adventure. Her folks see the boat coming in. For a moment I hoped her father would point and say, "Wow! Will you look at that! Heihei's sailing that boat! Oh, wait, the kid's there too." But no, Moana gets all the adulation. The film really hits that girl-power wish-fulfillment a little too hard on the nose.

I feel bad for boys, whose heroes never get this treatment anymore. Boys wind up almost being sidekicks in their own adventures. Hermoine's smarter than Harry; Annabeth's smarter than Percy; the girls are always tougher and more driven in stories, even ones written specifically for boys. No wonder boys are growing up to be men who drop out of society. But that's a story for another time.

Up in my grille.

Crest makes toothpaste for kids. Well, good, I say. I don't remember toothpastes specially made for children when I was the target audience. It's possible they were around and my parents just figured there was no reason I needed a toothpaste with Batman on the tube or whatever. "Let him use Pearl Drops! Make a man of him!"

Nowadays, I'm not swayed to buy something because the Disney Princesses or Pixar's Cars are on the label, but surely others are. Here, boys! You can have teeth like Mater's! 

Trucks got teeth!

The idea of a non-mint toothpaste has some appeal. Everyone wants to be minty fresh, but no one wants his breakfast to taste that way. Would it keep your Cap'n Crunch from tasting like peppermint? More important for grown-ups, would it keep your orange juice from tasting like poison?

Sadly, no; according to the boffins at the American Chemical Society, it's the sodium lauryl sulfate that makes your OJ taste as bad as... well, as bad as OJ Simpson acts*. And the chemical is found in kids' Crest toothpaste.

I did notice that, unlike regular adult non-whitening Crest, there's no seal of acceptance from the American Dental Association on the tube. That's not necessarily a deal-breaker; other Crest products have the seal, including some children's products, so you'd figure this is probably good too, right? Maybe it's pending. Maybe Procter & Gamble didn't want to pay the $15 Gs in application fees. Maybe it would have had to run over McQueen's grille.

Certainly I think children's toothpastes are a good idea if they get kids more willing to brush the Sugar Babies out of their cavity-prone choppers. If it's the Fruit Burst or Bubblegum flavors that does it, or just having Lightning McQueen and Tow Mater there as moral support, either way I endorse this toothpaste. Just don't expect it to make a man of your little boy the way Pearl Drops** would.

---

*I wonder what kind of toothpaste OJ uses in jail? Do all toothpastes taste bad to him because he is OJ? 

**Pearl Drops is also not ADA-accepted, by the way.

The Princess Interviews: Part IV.

The Brothers Grimm have been a great source for all kinds of Disney crap, and longtime readers know we at FredCo. are trying to help Disney find their next princess by going through some of the Bros. Grimm stories they may have overlooked. Previously we've interviewed princesses from "Lily and the Lion," "The Goose Girl," and "The Golden Bird," but we've had no joy. Today we're rolling up our puffy sleeves and pulling up our velvet hose, prepared to interview not one but 12 princesses, all from the timeless Grimm classic, "The Twelve Dancing Princesses."

---

Interviewer: Good day, Your Highnesses. Thank you for coming in.

[Babble of princess voices]

Int.: Uh, one at a time please!

Princess 1: Shut it, you idiots! I'll do the talking.

Int.: Thank you. 

Princess 1: I'm the eldest. I'm in charge.

Princess 12: Yeah, and thanks to you we got busted.

Princess 1: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK, BEEYOTCH?

Int.: Uh, if we could focus...

Princess 4: I think we would make awesome Disney princesses! We can dance, and sing... and skate!

Int.: If you could tell us a little about your story...

Princess 7: Here's the deal: Every night we went dancing in secret with these fabu princes who lived in a magic palace underground---and not just dancing, if you get my drift---and the only clue our stupid king father had was that our shoes were full of holes. Good thing he didn't check our---

Other 11 Princesses: SHUT UP, MARGARET!

Princess 7: These dopey boys from other kings' castles kept coming a-courting, so Dad said fine, find out what my daughters are up to after I lock them away at night.

Int.: No one knew you were sneaking out of the castle?

Princess 10: Secret passage.

Princess 4: See? What a great story!

Princess 2: It's all a metaphor.

Princess 4: Don't say that. Allegory is boring.

Int.: So these boys staying with your father never saw you sneak out.

Princess 1: No, and to make sure, we drugged them so they slept soundly. 

Int.: Ah. That's... interesting. 

Princess 7: Yeah, and when Dad asked them after a few days what the deal was, they were all like, I dunno, pops. So he cut off their heads. 

Int.: Your father beheaded other kings' sons?!?

Princess 1: Father had issues. He also had the biggest army around. 

Int.: Well, this got dark in a hurry.

Princess 7: Finally this old crippled soldier with an invisibility cloak followed us and ruined everything. Then Matilda had to marry him and the rest of us never got to see our hunky underground princes again. 

Princess 8: All because the royal cobbler sucks. I mean, really? Shoes wearing through after one night? 

Princess 3: Well, they were dancing shoes, and we had to walk through the enchanted forests to meet the princes. 

Princess 4: Oh, what a wonderful story it could be! You could clean it up a little, couldn't you? Say, instead of Dad going all ISIS on the local kings' sons, maybe he could just pitch them into the moat!

Princess 1: But you ought to know -- Barbie beat you to us. 

Int.: Huh?

Princess 1: Yes. Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses. Released 2006. Sorry. 

Princess 7: They sure cleaned the hell out of that for the movie. We were just high-spirited. Not unindicted co-conspirators. 

Princess 1: Nor were we nameless entities, consigned to some grotesque soldier's story. 

Int.: And the name of the soldier in the story was...?

Princess 1: [unintelligible]

Int.: Sorry?

Princess 1: I said, he didn't get a name in the story, either. 

Int.: Well, frankly, I think we'd rather be talking to him. 

Princess 1: You wouldn't say that if you met him! I had to marry him, you know! Leaves his underwear everywhere, never puts the throne down...

Princess 4: You have to help us! Mattel is never going to use us for a "Barbie on Ice" spectacular! You have to get us into to see Mickey! 

Int.: Maybe some other time.

---

Is Princess 2 right, that the story is a metaphor? Well, I think I know what her underground prince metaphor! Keep your set tuned to "The Wonderful World of Fred" for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part III.

As you undoubtedly know, in our spirit of fellowship we at FredCo. wish to make life easier for our pals at Disney, who are desperately searching for the next princess franchise for their successful princess film and packaging deals. We think there are resources yet untapped in the Brothers Grimm. To this end we've interviewed Lily of "Lily and the Lion" and Goose Girl of "The Goose Girl," both stories out of the Grimms's book. Sadly, we have had little success so far, but we are hoping to strike gold with the princess in the charming story "The Golden Bird."

---

Interviewer: Good day, Your Highness. Thank you for coming in to see us.

Princess: Yeah, whatever.

Int.: Uh... is everything all right? 

Princess: Are you kidding? The answer to that would be... let's see... how's NO grab you?

Int.: Terribly sorry! What is the matter?

Princess: Let's start with the fact that it's MY story and those Grimm idiots didn't even bother to write down my name.

Int.: Really? Let's see here, it's... Uh, you're right.

Princess: Jane.

Int.: Jane? That's your name?

Princess: Yeah.

Int.: Thank you for clearing that up. Now, Princess Jane, as you know we are looking for a new Disney Princess. How do you feel your story fits with the Disney panoply of princesses?

Princess: It doesn't. It's stupid.

Int.: The panoply?

Princess: My story. You know the real hero is the fox? And he's psychotic.

Int.: But the title is "The Golden Bird," not "The Psychotic Fox." Aren't you the titular bird?

Princess: Hey, watch the language!

Int.: But---

Princess: No, I'm not the bird. The bird is just a dumb yellow bird that these three brothers throw their lives away chasing. I'm just part of the fabulous cash and prizes one of the idiots manages to get, thanks to the fox. Who was my brother, under an enchantment.

Int.: So you don't have a lot of lines in the script. 

Princess: Not the way the Grimms wrote it! I get squat! I told my agent, this has got to change or I'm walking. The whole thing is about the youngest brother, the dumbbell I get to marry in the end, by the way.

Int.: What's his name?

Princess: Jim. It's not in the story, either. The Grimms didn't write down anyone's name. You think they were mailing it in at this point? Plus the story is way too gross for the kids.

Int.: PG-13 gross? 

Princess: After the fox helps the one brother, who is slightly less moronic than his older brothers, he asks in return that the brother cut off his head and feet.

Int.: Kind of R-ish. Operatic.

Princess: Of course, then he turns back into my stupid cursed brother. You know how he got turned into a fox? It's not in the story. I'll tell you how: by sticking his nose into other peoples' business, that's how. And his advice is always confusing, inexplicable, and annoying. "When you come to the castle where the bird is, I will stay with the princess at the door, and you will ride in and speak to the king; and when he sees that it is the right horse, he will bring out the bird; but you must sit still, and say that you want to look at it, to see whether it is the true golden bird; and when you get it into your hand, ride away." Uh, 'scuse me, Fox Boy, but you want to write all that crap down? And write small because I only have five pages left in my book. Know-it-all jerkface.

Int.: I get the feeling that you're not keen on the possibility of a film adaptation. 

Princess: Not without some serious rewrite, buster. Astenazagur is all over this project.

Int.: Who's Astuwhatagur?

Princess: My brother.

Int.: I think we'll have to file this as "in turnaround" for now. Thanks for coming in. 

---

Keep your set tuned to this channel for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part II.

A couple of weeks back we began our series of Princess Interviews, wherein we interview prospective princesses from Brothers Grimm stories, looking for one that Disney can co-opt into one of their animated movies. We like to help out in our little ways, and we think Disney could use a boost. At the rate they're going, they'll be raiding the Mahabharata for princesses soon, and that could get sticky. 

Today's candidate comes to us from the story "Lily and the Lion." This could be a winner---our eyes lit up with the idea of a singing lion pal.

 

---

 

Interviewer: Good morning, Lily. Now, how long have you been a princess?

Lily: Oh, it was after I married the enchanted prince. He was only a lion by day, you know. Him and his whole court. The rest of the time he was my sweet baby nookums. 

Int.: Sounds a little Beauty-and-the-Beasty.

Lily: Well, sure, it starts off like that, with the whole fear of being murdered by my future husband, but that's only the beginning of the story. It's much more sophisticated than that dumb ol' Belle's fairy tale. 

Int.: You get married in the end like Belle, right? We like a nice wedding.

Lily: No, no; I get married at the beginning, in the seventh paragraph I think, after my future husband decides to be nice and not eat me. 

Int.: Well... we don't really go for stories about married women.

Lily: But this is such a great story! Lots of adventure. I get to smite a dragon!

Int.: That's promising.

Lily: And the dragon is an enchanted princess, who reverts to human form but steals my husband, but he's not a lion anymore, actually he'd been cursed and turned into a dove, but that was kinda my fault but not really, I mean who makes the rules on curses anyway? 

Int.: To be honest, I don't---

Lily: Yeah, he was this dove because some torchlight fell on him, which would have been okay because I was a little tired of the lion bit; lions shed a lot, you know? And the butcher bills! But he was a dove all the time, not just during the day, and he was forced to go flying all over the world, and I had to follow him, and this went on for years! And we had a little kid by then! So I talked to the sun---

Int.: Whose son? Yours? 

Lily: No, silly, the sun in the sky! 

Int: You talked to the sun in the sky.

Lily: He was so nice; he gave me a dress. And I talked to the moon, who gave me an egg, and the east wind and the west wind, but they were no help---

Int.: About this dragon you smote...

Lily: Yes, well, that hussy was going to steal my husband, but I sneaked up to his night chamber---

Int.: Whoa, there!

Lily: And I tried to talk to him, but she'd knocked him cold with a roofie, and---

Int.: Well, Your Highness, it's been---

Lily: Oh, I didn't tell you about the nut!

Int.: I think you may have.

Lily: We had to make our escape on this griffin, see, but it wouldn't be strong enough to fly over the sea without resting, but I had this magical nut that would turn into a tree, so---

Int.: Whoops! Look at the time! Thanks again for coming in.

 

----

Keep tuned to this blog for future installments of the Princess Interviews!

The Princess Interviews: Part I.

Disney's current crisis has nothing to do with money or bad movies. No, Disney is running out of princesses, and we need to help.

Walt started raiding the Brothers Grimm back in 1937 with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, his first feature-length film, from the story "Snow White" (or "Little Snowdrop," depending on your translation). Pretty good movie.

Since then the Brothers Grimm have been provided Disney with some Disney princesses ("Briar Rose" was Sleeping Beauty), as has Hans Andersen (considering what Disney did in turning "The Snow Queen" into Frozen, we may as well drop the Christian). Other sources of princessery are less reliable: They've tried to force Mulan into the princess family, although she is not a princess; Pocohontas, although it's outrageous to use a real-life historical figure as a stinking cartoon princess; and the wholly inappropriate barbarian Pixar princess Merida was shoehorned in. They had to promote Rapunzel to princess standing, although she was not a princess in the original Grimm story. I'm almost willing to overlook the breathtaking means by which they made a princess out of an African-American girl in the reworking of The Princess and the Frog, because it was cleverly done. Good thing for Tiana that it is not illegal for U.S. citizens to hold titles of nobility.

I'm surprised they didn't make Jane Porter into a princess by virtue of her marrying Tarzan, King of the Jungle.

Gotta move the merch.

The thing is, there are other princess in the Grimm oeuvre that have not yet been exploited employed as Disney heroines. Today, and moving forward, we examine these remaining princesses to see if any of them can be made to work.

Our first interview is with Goose Girl, star of the Brothers Grimm's "The Goose Girl":

Interviewer: So, Goose Girl, you have a real name, I trust?

Goose Girl: Yes, although not in the story. You can call me Brittany. 

Int.: All right, Brittany. Now, you have a longish story in Grimm. Does it have a big wedding at the end?

GG: Oh, yes, I marry the prince and the villain is punished and everything. 

Int.: Great! And there's magic, right? We need the magic.

GG: Yeah, I have a magical lock of hair for protection, but the evil servant tricks me and I lose it and then she makes me switch places so she's the princess and I'm a yucky maid.

Int.: Good, good. Could be a problem with a servant being the main bad guy, you know, too much sympathy for the oppressed. We don't want to see Occupy Magic Kingdom. But we'll give her some backstory to make her motivations impure. It's fine. And you have a sidekick, right? A talking animal of some sort?

GG: Yeah, a fairy gave me him. Falada. He gets a name and I don't, right?

Int.: Is Falada a goose? 

GG: Nah, I'm called "Goose Girl" because they make me help the goose boy, Curdken. Who also gets a name and I don't. No, Falada is a horse. 

Int.: Better and better! Wait, you really love this Curdken guy, I'll bet. Is he the real prince in disguise, or--

GG: Goose boy? Are you nuts? He's a punk who manages the geese!

Int.: Okay, we'll call in rewrite. Tell me more about the magical horse sidekick. 

GG: Yeah, he gets his head cut off, which is kind of a bummer. But it's all right, because the head still talks.

Int.: Wait, what?

GG: Yeah, they nail up the head and it keeps talking and the old king overhears---you could give the head a song! I bet--- Hey, are you all right? 

Int.: Sorry, I just had lunch.

GG: Well, don't worry, because in the end the fairy reattaches the head and Falada is okay. 

Int.: That's enough about the horse for now. Please tell me the evil servant gets her comeuppance without a lot of bloodshed.

GG: Oh, yes! It's no problem! She gets crammed into a little cask with big nails hammered into it and dragged around by four white horses until she dies. You won't need to see a thing!

Int.: G-great. Thanks so much for coming in.

GG: So, when do we start filming?

Int.: We'll be in touch.

To Be Continued....