Aaaahhh, freak out!

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I come from a long line of worriers. They had a lot to worry them. Many fled poverty in Europe, working hard in America to be Americans, pushing back the fear of famine and freeze with every push of a mop or swing of a hammer. Fathers died too young, leaving their families in disarray and terror. The national economy tanked. World Wars broke out. Recessions, depressions, lost babies, feuds, failed businesses. Worry, worry, worry.

And people say, stop worrying. It's bad.

Okay! 

Actually, I agree that I should. When people say worrying is your mind pretending to solve a problem without actually doing anything, like expecting to walk to Pittsburgh on a treadmill, I say: Yep! When they say worry is worshipping the problem, I say: Right you are. When they say worry is just fear hiding just out of reach so you can't attack it with courage, I say: You betcha! When they say worry is a tool of the devil, I say: Amen!

And I still don't know how to stop worrying. 

Maybe the problem is that worry does feel like you're doing something. It certainly has one redeeming quality, in that it is motivational. Only an idiot wants to be the grasshopper: 

One fine day in winter some Ants were busy drying their store of corn, which had got rather damp during a long spell of rain. Presently up came a Grasshopper and begged them to spare her a few grains, "For," she said, "I'm simply starving." The Ants stopped work for a moment, though this was against their principles. "May we ask," said they, "what you were doing with yourself all last summer? Why didn't you collect a store of food for the winter?" "The fact is," replied the Grasshopper, "I was so busy singing that I hadn't the time." "If you spent the summer singing," replied the Ants, "you can't do better than spend the winter dancing." And they chuckled and went on with their work.

Aye, aye, Aesop. 

Also: Ants are jerks, but we all know that.

The problem is, worry has no internal stopping mechanism. Once you engage the worry, there's always something it can find to act upon. That's where I run into trouble. Everything may be looking rosy, but there's always some possibility you can dread, and if all else fails there's death and taxes. 

Alcohol used to be a good solution, but it ended up causing even more worries. So now I just have to find a healthier means of dealing with it.

When they say: If you're gonna worry, why pray? If you're gonna pray, why worry? And I say: 

Well, I say, you're right. But it'll always be like a second language to me, because my people were worrier kings from ancient times. 😨😱👑

The paper chase.

The whole world's going batty, and we don't even know if it's appropriate or not.

I'm not even talking about the bizarre and audacious lies of the Chinese, that the so-obvious-it's-painful Chinese Wuhan flu did not originate in CHINA, WHERE IT ORIGINATED, as they have lied about everything else regarding this thing. Nor do I mean the wacky attempt by China's Western bootlickers to back them up. That stuff is beyond gaslighting and into sad little comedy, like the toddler who lies about taking your Perugina when he's holding the chocolate in his hand and is covered with the stuff, except instead of Perugina he's holding a loaded gun, and instead of chocolate it's blood.

Do not let them fool you.

No, I'm talking about weird and/or surprising choices by the people in our own country.

Here's a couple of things that have struck me in the last few days, and have probably struck you as well, summed up briefly:

1) It's kind of crazy that sports leagues, Broadway shows, science and medical conferences, comic cons, and concerts have all shut down. That pretty much covers all the kids I knew in high school. The one that made me smile was Celine Dion putting the "Courage World Tour" on hold -- whether it's smart or not, it doesn't look good to cancel something called "Courage" out of "Fear."

2) This TP buying has turned into a cascade of crazy. First it was the panic buyers, who always run for toilet paper when a storm is coming. But it was so bad this time that less high-strung types were thinking, I have enough Angel Soft for the week, but with all these crazy people clearing the shelves, by the time I need more there will be none. Better get some! Not like it goes stale. And thus, the Great Toilet Paper Buy of 2020, which makes us look like lunatics, because toilet paper cannot protect anyone against the coronavirus.

I wish I had come up with this one; I salute the person who did.

3) Our schools hardly got any snow days this winter, but they're about to make up for it in spades. They closed yesterday, events are being canceled, and they will probably close down for at least a couple of weeks. It's been easier to shut off the colleges, whose spring break seems to come earlier, and whose students can all be expected to have computers and Internet access for remote learning.

4) Even worse, churches are closing, and here we are in Lent. The Catholic churches here have not thrown in the towel, unlike the churches in Rome (!!!!!) and France, but our local Methodist and Presbyterian churches have closed down for a couple of weeks. Not sure about the local Temples and the Lutherans.

5) Offices closing -- this is not as big a deal as it once was, again because so many people in office jobs can work from home now. I sat in remotely on a meeting for a company, a publisher for whom I do freelance stuff. It was all instructions on how to log in to the system from home -- which I do anyway, so it wasn't useful to me, but I figured I'd check in and make sure there was nothing new. The funny thing is, I've been their lurker, the unseen sweatpants guy in the cave, proofing copy, and now they'll all be joining my sweatpants cave cult. Ha ha!

🏥🔬🔕⚠😷💀

What does this all mean? We hope nothing. We hope that there are no, or at least very few, more people getting sick from the coronavirus pandemic, and in a few weeks we look around at our piles of TP and laugh and say, "What were we thinking?"

Or maybe, "Thank God, this shows that our plague preparations work in some areas but could use help in others. We'll tune up the system and be in better shape if it happens again. Next time could be really bad."

Maybe the worst outcome would be, "What a load of crap! What a big nothingburger! What a waste of time and effort!"

I hope that doesn't happen. If people think this was never a big deal, no worse than a bad cold, then whole governments and the entire media become the shepherd boy who cried wolf.

It might be cynical fun to look at it that way, but think of this: In the original Aesop fable. after the shepherd boy is established as a liar, the wolf gets to pick off the sheep at his leisure. In this story, though, the sheep will be us.

The lion and the mouse.

A lion was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The Mouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth, and set him free, exclaiming:

"You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, not expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to confer benefits on a Lion."

Aesop's “The Lion and the Mouse” is a stirring and beloved story that has been filmed several times. Here are some of well-known versions from the American cinema.

The Lion and the Mouse (1915, Edison)
An 18-minute silent comedy about sharp-edged secretary Hilda Brass (Florence Fair) who to plots to help a timid office boy Percival Meek (James Montgomery Flagg) by getting him to assert himself and get a promotion. They fall in love and with his new assertiveness he asks her to marry him.

Cat and Mouse (1939, United Artists)
Small-time gumshoe Max Magee (George Raft) is hired to find Alice Taylor (Sylvia Sidney), who may have faked her own death, in this early noir film. Alice did indeed fake her death to protect her family from mobster Knuckles Kerwin (Boris Karloff); as Max takes down Kerwin's mob, she comes out of hiding to save Max’s life. It rains a lot.

Cheyenne and the Tot (1949, Monogram)
Against his will, Cheyenne Jim (Jimmy Wakely) is left to take a little rich girl (Lucy Baines) across Wyoming to her family after he inadvertently saves her from the bandits who kidnapped her. They face hard weather, Apaches, and the pursuing bandits, but the girl saves his life more than once, and Cheyenne becomes like a second father to the kid. Jim sings “Down on the Old Wyomin’ Farm” and “Horace the Cow.”

Lion and Mouse (1958, MGM)
All singing, all dancing extravaganza in Technicolor! Film star Leo O’Malley (Gene Kelly) saves the job of costume girl Millie Gouda (Jane Powell), but doesn't think of her again. After she saves his reputation in Hollywood, he begins to fall hard. Musical numbers by Comden and Green include “Twice-Told Tails,” “I Smell a Rat” (sung by Donald O’Connor), and the big finale, “Roarin’ Rumba.”

Mouse Moskowitz and Kitty Katz (1973, 20^th Century Fox)
Two old guys in New York (Lee J. Cobb, Art Carney) walk around Central Park, complain, play chess outside, get mugged, complain, look at closed stores and rotten vandalized New York landmarks, reminisce about how great things used to be, and complain some more. Slowly the story emerges of how Julius “Kitty” Katz (Cobb) saved Herschel “Mouse” Moskowitz (Carney) from making a bad marriage, and  Moskowitz then saved Katz's hat store on Orchard Street, although it closed later when Kennedy ruined the hat trade.

Of Lions and Mice (1980, Merchant Ivory)
Elsa Cheerwin (Meryl Streep), a servant in England in 1910, has an affair with the master of the house, Regis Thicklewaite (Albert Finney). When a sleazy footman (Bob Hoskins) spreads the gossip and ruins their reputation, Regis sacrifices everything to get Elsa to Minnesota for a fresh start. She tries to protect him but he shoots himself. Everyone is miserable.

Squeak to Me (1987, Orion)
Teenage loser Davey “the Dork” Dirkless (Wil Wheaton) gets it bad for bad girl Tammy Blanche (Jennifer Connelly) when she does an act of kindness to save him from the ridicule of her entourage. Worse, due to an ill-considered wager, Davey has just thirty days to actually touch a girl’s breast or he loses his summer-job money to his cousin Marco (River Phoenix). It all seems impossible until Davey rescues Tammy from the wrath of her drunken stepfather (Paul Gleason). Laughs ensue.

Mouse/Lion (1997, Touchstone)
Hal Nowell (Nicholas Cage) is an FBI forensic accountant drawn in to a case against mob boss Jimmy Polpettone (Robert DeNiro). Jimmy almost has Hal whacked but shows mercy when he sees Hal's baby daughter. Hal then accidentally saves Jimmy by deleting evidence. Jimmy plies Hal with gifts, thinking he’s his new inside man. This puts Hal on the spot, suspected by his superiors and targeted by Jimmy’s rivals, the Jamaican Rum Kings mob. Many people are shot.

Free the Lion (2011, Sony)
Billy Sliver (Matt Damon) is a low-level lawyer at Black and Black Co., hired off the unemployment line by CEO Dick Black (Michael Douglas). Sliver saves the CEO from jail on a technicality. Dick Black then tries to have Sliver killed since only he knows the truth, but his thugs only manage to get Sliver’s family killed. Sliver goes after Black for revenge. Even the New York Times called it a “big bucket of crap.”

The Hare and the Tortoise: The Motion Picture.

THE HARE AND THE TORTOISE

A Hare was one day making fun of a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "Wait a bit," said the Tortoise; "I'll run a race with you, and I'll wager that I win." "Oh, well," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead that he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on, and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race.

Moral: Slow and steady wins the race.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

Love the latest version. Notes from brass. Jerry's looking at Ferrell for the Tortoise. Any chance of punching up dialogue to reel him in? Don’t forget lunch Thurs!

***

THE HARE AND THE WACKY TORTOISE

A Hare was one day making fun of a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "You big meeeeaaanie," said the Tortoise; "I'm gonna run a race with you, and I betcha I’m gonna win!" "Oh, well," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead that he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on; when he passed the rabbit he yelled, “Hey, fluffbutt, watch me go! Wooo!” and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race.

Moral: Slow, steady, and wacky wins the race.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

Ferrell’s people on it, but now Gosling’s people threatening to walk because Hare’s a “weenie” (their words not mine). Can you make Hare a little more simpatico? Capiche? See you Ths.

***

HANDSOME HARE, WACKY TORTOISE

A Hare was one day teasing a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet. "You big meeeeaaanie," said the Tortoise; "I'm gonna run a race with you, and I betcha I’m gonna win!" "Well, I’m just sayin’ you’re not exactly turbo-charged," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead and, being that he really wasn’t a meanie and didn’t want to run up the score, something his bully of a father used to do, he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on; when he passed the rabbit he yelled, “Hey, fluffbutt, watch me go! Wooo!” and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise had already won the race. They traded fist bumps and went out for beer, wisecracking as they went.

Moral: Slow, steady, and wacky is about as good as being real fast.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

Getting there! Marketing weighed in, says big race finish will move the videogames. Need more zip to ending. Possible title change. Said you were all over it, as always. Whatcha got for me, big guy? Lunch mañana.

***

CHOO-CHOO AND THE PHILLY FLASH

A Hare named Flash was one day teasing a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet; his chugging motion led to his being called Choo-Choo. "You big meeeeaaanie," said the Tortoise; "I'm gonna run a race with you, and I betcha I’m gonna win!" "Well, I’m just sayin’ you’re not exactly turbo-charged," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see"; and it was soon agreed that the fox should set a course for them, and be the judge. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead and, being that he really wasn’t a meanie and didn’t want to run up the score, something his bully of a father used to do, he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on; when he passed the rabbit he yelled, “Hey, fluffbutt, watch me go! Wooo!” and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise was close to the finish line. As they barreled toward the end Choo-Choo hit an oil slick and skidded out, but Flash stopped to right him. Then Flash fell into a well, but Choo-Choo pulled him out. They crossed the finish line together. They traded fist bumps and went out for beer, wisecracking as they went.

Moral: Friends are better than winning.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

Sorry had to cancel. NY office insisted on meeting in person. Ed says script is coming along nicely, just need love interest who believes in hero when all is lost (you know), another big twist, maybe a funny sidekick (the fox? possibilities). I said: Trust Aes. Don’t let me down!

***

CHOO-CHOO AND THE PHILLY FLASH

A Hare named Flash was one day teasing a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet; his chugging motion led to his being called Choo-Choo, and his overprotective mother had always held him back. "You big meeeeaaanie," said the Tortoise; "I'm gonna run a race with you, and I betcha I’m gonna win!" "Well, I’m just sayin’ you’re not exactly turbo-charged," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see." Isolde the Iguana defended the Tortoise, picking a fight with Hare, but she was a hoochie momma and Flash just traded smart remarks with her. Despite being cold-blooded, Islode was hot. Choo-Choo secretly loved her but knew he was too slow and shelly for her. Choo-Choo’s wacky pal, Gumball the fat fox, was told to set a course for them, and be the judge. Gumball, a natural conniver, kept trying to set out the course to favor his friend, but Choo-Choo told him not to. Flash’s friend, Louie the Stork, went to Croc, the local bookie, and put everything he had on Flash. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead and, being that he really wasn’t a meanie and didn’t want to run up the score, something his bully of a father used to do, he thought he might as well have a rest: so down he lay and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on; when he passed the rabbit he yelled, “Hey, fluffbutt, watch me go! Wooo!” and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise was close to the finish line. As they barreled toward the end Choo-Choo hit an oil slick and skidded out, but Flash stopped to right him. Then Flash fell into a well, but Choo-Choo pulled him out. It turned out that Flash was trying to throw the race to teach Louie to stop gambling! Choo-Choo taught him he could not cheat to lose, even in a good cause. They crossed the finish line together. They traded fist bumps and went out for beer, wisecracking as they went.

Moral: Friends are better than winning.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

Bay wants explosions.

***

FLASH AND BURN

A Hare named Flash was one day teasing a Tortoise for being so slow upon his feet; his chugging motion led to his being called Choo-Choo, and his overprotective mother had always held him back. "You big meeeeaaanie," said the Tortoise; "I'm gonna run a race with you, and I betcha I’m gonna win!" "Well, I’m just sayin’ you’re not exactly turbo-charged," replied the Hare, who was much amused at the idea, "let's try and see." Isolde the Iguana defended the Tortoise, picking a fight with Hare, but she was a hoochie momma and Flash just traded smart remarks with her. Despite being cold-blooded, Islode was hot. Choo-Choo secretly loved her but knew he was too slow and shelly for her. Choo-Choo’s wacky pal, Gumball the fat fox, was told to set a course for them, and be the judge. Gumball, a natural conniver, kept trying to set out the course to favor his friend, but Choo-Choo told him not to. Flash’s friend, Louie the Stork, went to Croc, the local bookie, and put everything he had on Flash. Isolde, meanwhile, helped Choo-Choo train via a comical montage. When the time came both started off together, but the Hare was soon so far ahead and, being that he really wasn’t a meanie and didn’t want to run up the score, something his bully of a father used to do, he figured he’d coast the rest of the way—but he tripped a booby trap and set off a bomb! The bomb blew him against a tree, where he was knocked out. Meanwhile the Tortoise kept plodding on; when he passed the rabbit he yelled, “Hey, fluffbutt, watch me go! Wooo!” and in time reached the goal. At last the Hare woke up with a start, and dashed on at his fastest, but only to find that the Tortoise was close to the finish line. As they barreled toward the end Choo-Choo hit an oil slick and skidded out into a thicket, and was ready to give up, but Isolde told him he just had to believe in himself. Flash actually appeared and pulled Choo-Choo out. Then Flash fell into a well, but Choo-Choo pulled him out. It turned out that Flash was trying to throw the race to teach Louie to stop gambling! Choo-Choo taught him he could not cheat to lose, even in a good cause. But Croc took a hand to throw the race, and Flash almost was killed in a big explosion! Choo-Choo saved him by covering them both with his shell. Croc, who had been setting the bomb, was not so lucky, and was turned into a pair of expensive shoes. Flash and Choo-Choo crossed the finish line together. Isolde kissed Choo-Choo, even though Flash was much better looking. They traded fist bumps and went out for beer, wisecracking as they went.

Moral: Don’t cheat or you’ll wind up as a pair of shoes.

***

To: Aesop, Aesop-Spades Productions

From: Dolly Schott, Jupiter Pictures

Re: Hare/Tort

Aes—

What’s that in the air? Jasmine? Ammonia? Nope--that is Oscar I’m smelling, my friend. Call me tomorrow to discuss changes from Publicity, second-unit guys, Casting, some more from Ed, Music, and Makeup, the focus group thinks maybe the girl should go for the bunny, there’s some suggestions from the video guys, Gosling’s people are thinking maybe cars instead of running, Ferrell has some ideas for silly voices he wants to use, but Bay says we’re one explosion away from nailing it. We’re getting close. Shooting now slated to start July 12; reshooting to start December 1. Hang in there! You’re a genius!

🐢🐇🎬