Big-time joe.

Perhaps you remember that civet coffee, the one that was exceptionally expensive because the beans were fed to live civets, whose digestive processes supposedly enhance the flavor of the beans? And perhaps you thought to yourself, "Self! As appealing as the idea of poop coffee is, $300-plus per pound is just not expensive enough! How will I ever impress guests like Gates and Clinton and the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew and the other Pedo Island travelers with something that cheap? I need to find a way to pay a whole lot more for my poop coffee!"

Well, leave your worries behind, because Black Ivory is here to help! Yes, as the name might indicate, at Black Ivory they feed the coffee beans to elephants, then extract the beans from the elephant poop. It may not taste particularly good, but it costs $1,500 a pound, and that's what matters! 

The company claims that this product benefits the elephants, and I like that well enough. I like elephants. They're big, they're interesting, they just do their thing. And the company claims that all that coffee-bean consumption doesn't affect the elephants, and I like that too. No one wants an overcaffeinated elephant. 

But personally, I prefer to do all my coffee digesting on my own, thanks. Roasting the beans and grinding them is good enough for me. I will take it from there. 

I believe I can spend the rest of my life without tasting coffee that was shat out by a mammal or any other animal. In fact, I intend to.