The ranch menace.

Why are Americans so fat? 

Well, there are many reasons given for this problem. One is that our food is so plentiful nnd cheap and just tastes so darn good. Another is that healthy foods like kale and okra taste so darn bad. But that's not enough for our lard-studying boffins, who have done deeper dives to determine things like:

1) The 1990s Food Pyramid was a disaster, encouraging the preference of useless sugar over appetite-satiating fat;

2) Technology had led us steadily to a more sedentary lifestyle, removing physical effort from work, going to work, doing household work, traveling anywhere, socializing, and even making food;

3) Fat parents have fatter children, as the former are unable to instill discipline in the latter;

4) Our splintered communities and loss of faith in institutions have led to less self-discipline and more depression, leading to unhealthy habits including poor diet choices.

And so on and so forth. I don't argue with any of it. But they do tend to overlook... THE RANCH MENACE. 

Why is this valley hidden, anyway?
What's it hiding?

I don't think it's any coincidence that our problems with obesity began when ranch dressing moved from a largely unknown condiment to an omnipotent treat. Wikipedia tells us it originated in the 1950s on an actual dude ranch, but didn't reach the wider world until the 1970s, when Clorox bought the brand and started pushing it nationally. 

By the 1980s, "ranch" started to appear as a flavor built into chips. In 1992, ranch topped Italian as Americans' favorite salad dressing. And this is where the problem comes in -- ranch is more fattening than Italian. Original Hidden Valley ranch dressing has 14g of fat, 2g saturated fat, and 130 calories in just two lousy tablespoons. The same amount of Wishbone Italian would yield half the fat, half the saturated fat, and 80 calories. 

And it's not just the numbers. Something about ranch dressing inspires crazed addiction in some people. You never saw Italian Herb Doritos, but Cool Ranch Doritos have been a moneymaker for more than thirty years. People buy ranch dressing by gallon. You want a recipe for ranch dressing ice cream? Kraft has one for you. I've never seen Catalina French ice cream. Ranch fans are a little crazy.

I'm not saying that among the junkies filling the parks and lining the streets of California are helpless ranch addicts, shivering in the morning dew, in need of a creamy fix. But I'm not NOT saying that, either. 

I see that celeb food guy Alton Brown has teamed up with Conagra's Healthy Choice brand to push a line of so-called "Power Dressings," including Creamy Ranch. A glance at the numbers make it look much healthier indeed -- 1.5g fat per 2 tablespoons, 45 calories, no saturated fat -- but will this sate the cravings of the ranch addict? We all know fat tastes good, because it conveys flavor like nothing else. Can it do the job?

I say nay. I think it's a methadone program for ranch addicts, but not as effective, and I believe ranchiacs (as they are sometimes called) will reject it. 

I simply don't think we can make America slim again until we abolish the ranch menace entirely. My slogan for the mission is "If fat we much stanch, abolish the ranch." (All right, I know that requires pronouncing ranch as rahnch, but work with me here.)