Put it on, baby, put it all on.

Today is supposedly International Nude Day:

This non-official holiday was created by television presenter and former rugby player. Marc Ellis dared people to streak in front of New Zealand’s Prime Minister Helen Clark around the beginning of the twenty-first century. Since then it has celebrated to over 30 different countries.

The Web site I quote, Holidays Calendar, helpfully lists some advantages to taking off your clothes and running around like you're on PCP, including:

• Lower risk of Alzheimer’s in people who run barefoot--It’s believed walking barefoot stimulates neurons in the brain.
• Higher levels of Vitamin D in the body--Due to more sun exposure by the skin.
• Better circulation--Circulation is often restricted by clothing.

Well, isn't that nice.

I am sure I don't need to mention the truth that the people who want to run around naked are 99.999% guaranteed to be the people you would never want to see naked. Many of them you wouldn't want to see in clothing, even. My wife and I were on a vacation years ago, and noted that on one private beach to which we had access, one or two Europeans couldn't help themselves but break the rules and get naked. They proved the rule as well as you can imagine. And people wonder why we don't travel more.

These people may be butt nekkid

However, as loathe as I am to spill the hot coffee on someone's nudist fun, allow me to address the so-called health advantages above with some health advantages of clothing, which human beings have been wearing everywhere and at all times since Eve had that famous snack. To the nudists I say:

👀 It is true that many people lack enough vitamin D, and more sunlight can help correct that deficiency. You can fill your D needs with 10-30 minutes of midday exposure... in clothing. Hanging around in the sun naked gets you plenty of skin-cancer-causing UV radiation. Even a plain cotton T-shirt has an SPF of 7. Your naked hinder has an SPF of nada.

👀 Okay, suppose it rains. Sometimes rain is refreshing. Sometimes it's awfully cold or comes with cold wind. How's that feel on naked flesh?

👀 Spurious assertions about Alzheimer's aside, walking barefoot outdoors can cause all kinds of problems, from the obvious (stepping on broken glass, sharp rocks, stinging bugs, burning hot pavement) to the less obvious (fallen arches, Achilles tendinitis, fungal and bacterial infections, and hookworm).

👀 Are all of you nudists 100% sure you can identify poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak? I've had poison ivy on my arms and that was bad enough. Further, when one is in real nature, not phony cultivated nature, one often finds that natural bushes and other plants have many means of protecting themselves beyond itchy poisons, like thorns and sharp leaves. The average hiker, properly equipped, can Vallereeeeee Valleraaaah right through all that stuff, but not Joe Birthday Suit.

👀 And what about ticks? Good grief, to avoid ticks you have to wear long sleeves and long pants and tuck the pants in your socks. Running around in the buff means none of this. Might as well write TICKS EAT HERE on your chest. And ticks are only the tip of the bug iceberg. Have none of you seen Naked and Afraid?

👀 If you think nature is bad, try civilization. I've already mentioned broken glass and pavement, and we can assume the police might have something to say about your sartorial choices, but modern life (meaning, from 10,000 BC to now) favors those in clothes and is not built to protect the nude. Plus, if you want a snack, try going into the Circle K. No shirt, no shoes, no pants, no underwear, no socks, no service.

👀 Finally: I hope you're not planning to cook anything.

I can't think of a single reason one would want to go about naked in the outdoors beyond a maddened urge to be an exhibitionist or some deep-seated rebellion against clothes as a form of oppression. If the latter, well, boys, cutting off your nose to spite your face is bad enough. Imagine what else might get cut off. Mind the closing doors!

P.S.: Curiously, I note that tomorrow is said to be National Hot Dog Day. I trust this is just a strange coincidence.