Sunday, March 31, 2019

Seaver.

I was saddened to hear about Tom Seaver, a.k.a. Tom Terrific, the Franchise, having to withdraw from public events at the age of 74 due to the onset of dementia. It is a horrible disease, and I'm at least glad that he was wise enough to hold on to the financial resources to deal with it. So many don't.

A friend of mine had to spend her last years in a nursing home -- she never lost her mental faculties, thank God, but so many in that place had, and when I'd visit her they were like living specters, hollowed-out shells of who they once were. It was a county-run facility, but the treatment seemed to be pretty good, for what little could be done. Kindness, mostly.

I imagine that Seaver's smart money management and successful winery will enable him to have superior home care as needed. It is a shame he will miss the celebration this summer of the 50th anniversary of the 1969 Miracle Mets.


Dan McLaughlin of National Review and his Baseball Crank feed had an excellent piece on Seaver's amazing career, explaining as only a real nuts-'n'-bolts baseball fan can why Seaver was such an extraordinary performer on the mound. Seaver's stats are great, but they only tell part of the story.

In fact, my favorite Seaver tale comes from David Halberstam's book October 1964, a book not about the Mets -- how could it be when they were 53-109 in 1964? -- but about the twilight of the dominant Yankees and the rise of the tough Bob Gibson Cardinals. Bob Gibson was a terrifying presence as a pitcher, who could be as brutal on battery mate Tim McCarver as he was on opposing batters. But Halberstam tells the story of how, in the late 1960s, when Gibson was getting older, he got a rude jolt from a young man from Fresno, California. In a spring training game, Gibson had thrown at John Milner of the Mets, hitting him in the ribs, for the crime of doubling off Gibson twice in spring training. A few weeks later Seaver and Gibson were opposing pitchers in a regular season game and Seaver went to work:

Gibson was up with two outs, and Seaver would be the next Met up in the next inning, so there would be a chance for Gibson to retaliate if he so chose. Seaver threw three pitches inside at Gibson, driving him farther and farther away from the plate; the last pitch came in so close that Gibson had to spin around to get out of the way, using the bat more like a cane than a bat. Then it was Seaver's turn to bat against Gibson. The first pitch came in fast, and just over Seaver's head. The umpire had come out from behind the plate at that point to try and stop it, but Seaver pushed him aside. "Shut up," he said, "this is none of your business." At that point Seaver stepped away from the plate and yelled out to Gibson, "As far as I'm concerned this is over. But if you want to continue, we can keep going at it, and you better know that I throw a lot harder than you do now, you old fart." And that indeed ended it. 

Halberstam wrote that Gibson "respected strength in others: he knew another samurai when he saw one."

Seaver had been a Marine Corps reservist, and the lessons he learned there he did not forget. He was interviewed by Michael Morrissey in the New York Post about it in 2003:

In 1962, Seaver considered himself a runt and a late-bloomer without much focus. Shipped out to boot camp in Southern California, the 17-year-old knew on that first day that his life was about to change.
     “I didn’t know if it was tough or not,” Seaver said. “All I knew was I had someone yelling at me – and I hadn’t even done anything yet.
     “I went, ‘Oh, this is what my dad’s been talking about.’ I can remember saying that to myself – to this day.”
     During the Vietnam War, Seaver served an eight-year commitment, including three months of boot camp, three months of active duty at Camp Pendleton outside of San Diego and 5½ years of reserve obligation.
     “I’ll tell you what: you walk out of graduation from boot camp three months later, and you’re damn proud of yourself and proud of that uniform,” he said.
And by his talent and his personal grit, he actually made the Mets uniform something to be proud of too.

Happy trails, Mr. Seaver, and thanks for being our Franchise.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Pencil Day!

According to various sites that track wacky holidays that seem to come from nowhere, today is National Pencil Day. National Day Calendar says that it falls on March 30 because "Hymen Lipman received the first patent for attaching an eraser to the end of a pencil on this day in 1858." Haaretz notes that the patent was later overturned by court order, but that Lipman, a stationery giant, contributed many things to the American office, including gummed envelope flaps. So he was inadvertently complicit in killing George Costanza's fiancee, Susan Ross.

But never mind about all that. The pencil is the thing we're celebrating today, and yay, pencils!

I have always preferred writing with pens, I have to admit. Most pens can't erase, but in my experience, most pencils suck at erasing too, at least if your office manager is buying cheap. I like drawing with pencils, though, partly because good colored pencils are a smooth and supple joy to put to paper.

But can I get worked up about pencils?


I can if I think about what they can represent -- language, literacy, learning, productivity, art. And economics.

Leonard A. Read published his famous essay "I, Pencil" in 1958, and it remains a masterful expression of the production of wealth in free capitalism. You can read it here. In short, his narrator, the ordinary pencil, explains that while everyone sees the common object, not a single person in the world can make one alone; in fact "not a single person on the face of this earth knows how to make me." But many people working independently for their own self-interest produce this handheld miracle for the world almost as a magical wonder. And a pencil is nothing compared to more complex miracles like computers or dishwashers or shampoo or lunch. It's a great essay and should be required reading in school to take some of the pinko poison out of our colleges.

Today might be a good day to celebrate the pencil, after all. In fact, you can get a really huge pencil from Archie McPhee if you want to make a big deal of it. I'll bet the Commies never had those!


Friday, March 29, 2019

Press button.


Bzzt

Bzzt

Bzzzzzzzzzt

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Hi."

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"I'm afraid so."

"How can I help?"

"It's kind of hard to describe."

"Is it a problem with the pump?"

"No, no, you see . . ."

". . . Yes?"

"I'm very lonely."

". . . I'm sorry, sir, what did you say?"

"I'm very lonely. There, I said it. I'm very lonely and I wanted to speak to an attendant."

"Ummm . . . I don't think an attendant can help you with that, sir."

"Oh, please, you don't know what it's like. You sit in the store all evening while people come up and pay for gas and buy coffee and Twinkies. I work alone all day in a lab, doing test results for phlebotomists."

"Well, that's an important job."

"Yes, I know, and I'm proud of it, but no one ever comes to say hi, how are you, Ted. That's my name. Ted."

"Hi, Ted."

"Hi."

"I think your job sounds better than selling gas and milk and Goo Goo Clusters."

"People need those things. It's an essential service. Well, maybe not the Goo Goo Clusters."

"I dunno -- you ever have one?"

"Not in years."

"You could come in and get coffee and a Goo Goo Cluster. Or maybe Bud Light? We have a special on twelve packs."

"No, thanks, I don't like beer. Thanks for calling me Ted, though."

"Sure. Well, come on in and pay for the gas. Oh, I see you used a card at the pump. That's you on pump twelve, right?"

"You can see me?"

"Not too good. I'm in the office right now. I was on break when I heard you buzz. You're on camera. That's you in the knit cap, right?"

"Yeah, that's me, me and my stylist snorkel coat! Hi!"

"I see you waving. Hi!"

"I didn't think that was you at the front desk. You don't sound like you have a beard."

"Ha! I'm not twenty-six, either."

"So, yeah, I was about to drive away when I saw the sign. I am sorry to bother you."

"That's okay, Ted. It's nice to hear from you."

"Oh, you must talk to people all evening."

"Not everyone is friendly like you, Ted. And it's not really a dream job. You run a register and hope you don't get held up. Whoopee."

"Well, you sound very nice. I'm sure you could do something you'd enjoy better."

"No, the hours suit me. Although I sometimes think . . ."

"Yes?"

". . . I thought about going back to school, finishing my degree, but with the kids and all -- it's just a bad time, Ted."

"I understand."

"Would you like to come in the store? That guy in the red minivan on pump three is looking in your direction."

"No, I should probably go. It was nice talking with you."

"You too, Ted. You shouldn't be so lonely. You're a nice guy. Come by whenever."

"I will. Maybe I'll get a Twinkie."

"Debbie."

"Or a Little Debbie, sure."

"No, I mean my name is Debbie. Bye, Ted."

"Bye, Debbie. And thanks."

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Thinking inside the box.

I've written before about my astonishing ability to catastrophize anything. Take a minor concern and within two days I'm writing off the planet. If I were a dinosaur I wouldn't have waited for a meteorite; I'd have just extincted myself.

This week started really slow workwise, and so clearly I'll be losing the house and looking for a new place to live.

Actually, in San Francisco this
would rent for $2,500 a month
($3,000 under a bridge)
It's quite difficult to find a box big enough to include two big dogs as well as the relevant humans, however.

I'm not sure what's going on. Do all my clients have spring fever? I would if it weren't so freaking cold in New York right now despite the sunshine. Spring is being very coy with us.

I am not complaining -- who am I kidding? Of course I'm complaining. At least we don't have floods like other areas of the country, God bless 'em. Looks like in some places spring has spring like a trap.

Well, I suppose I could have spring fever because it's Opening Day for the Beloved Mets, and as we all know, on Opening Day everyone wins the World Series. Talk to me next week and see how I feel. (Likely: "Damn Mets! Stupid stupid Mets! GAH!") So today I'll drown my worries in baseball and hope for more prosperous days ahead.

Hmm... Are Mets fans better at catastrophizing than other people? I don't know, but we certainly have reason to be.

I feel sorry for those underemployed San Francisco Giants fans, though -- if the Giants have another bad year, these fans won't even be able to afford the cardboard box to sulk in.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

50 Excellent Baby Names.

Provided you don’t know what these words mean.


I used to work with an outfit that did a lot of baby information for mostly new, panicky parents, or prospective, panicky parents, and one of the perennial hot topics was "What to name the little beggar?" One day I drew up these lists of words that sound like they would make lovely names, but clearly would be terrible names. As always, your contributions in comments are welcome.


GIRLS
  1. Glioma
  2. Tibia
  3. Chrysophyte
  4. Atresia
  5. Amnesia
  6. Lacuna
  7. Coprophagia
  8. Phosphate
  9. Armadillo
  10. Magnesia
  11. Carious
  12. Ulna
  13. Colitis
  14. Timpani
  15. Encephalitis
  16. Patella
  17. Cassava
  18. Aorta
  19. Abrade
  20. Catatonia
  21. Hernia
  22. Uvula
  23. Sulforaphane
  24. Coenuri
  25. Paramecia

BOYS
  1. Avidin
  2. Lithium
  3. Langostino
  4. Senega
  5. Attar
  6. Valium
  7. Fluke
  8. Atrium
  9. Nominal
  10. Suttee
  11. Isobar
  12. Seppuku
  13. Mandible
  14. Saphenous
  15. Geritol
  16. Arrogant
  17. Ramose
  18. Bark
  19. Virulent
  20. Rancor
  21. Kern
  22. Scolex
  23. Scorbutic
  24. Cestoda
  25. Chromium

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

A case of the Tuesday's.

Said it before and I'll say it again: Of all the abuse heaped on punctuation, I think the most get heaped on the poor apostrophe. 

Seen last week: 


ARGH! Or maybe A'R'G'H!

I don't understand it. I thought I had cleared this up. Twice last year I had to post on the use and abuse of the apostrophe, but I admit one time my post was primarily concerned with the inappropriate flipping of the thing from closed to open.

This use of the apostrophe for plurals must come to an end.

It's really an issue for proper nouns, I know. Or actually any noun in English that starts with an uppercase letter. If there are two guys named Billy in the room and we wish to refer to them collectively, we hark back to grammar school and think "The plural of Billy is... Billies, as with lilies? That can't be right. Billys? No, that looks wrong. Anytime I've seen an S on Billy it's Billy's. Two Billy's. That must be right." But no! It's wrong, oh so very wrong.

Allow me to quote chapter and verse -- specifically Chapter 7, Section 9 of the 17th edition of The Chicago Manual of Style: "Names of persons and other capitalized nouns normally form the plural by adding s or es." Examples given include "Sunday, pl. Sundays" and "Tom, Dick, and Harry; pl. Toms, Dicks, and Harrys".

As you can see, the sad thing is, our hypothetical pluralizer was right the first time -- Billy would not be pluralized in the same way lily is, although Billy and lily are both nouns ending in ly. Billys would be correct. We're so used to seeing Billy on its own that we're not used to seeing Billys. Not to say that Billy is lonely, that he's not a fun chap and good to be around. But we only see that S hanging on for the possessive Billy's. It's a matter of what we have seen the most, and that's where our eye betrays us.

Alas, the same goes even for days of the week, as in the sign above. I suspect that Mondays probably would have been written properly, because we've seen it, because of Garfield the cat and Office Space and even the Boomtown Rats.



But someone thought that Tuesdays looked wrong for that sign, and so we have Tuesday's where we should not. I could have corrected them, but they were busy and I didn't want to be That Guy. (Collectively Those Guys, not Those Guy's.)

Perhaps I should have, though. Had I been ornery and cantankerous and persnickety, they might have thought I was older than I look and given me that tasty 10 percent Senior Citizen Discount.

Although I think I was there on a Thursday.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Stunning photo from history!

Wevelgem, Belgium, July 6, 1917:  A daring raid by a lone British ace in a Sopwith Camel takes out a dozen Fokker aircraft on the German field.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Magic words.

When I was a baby, I had no manners at all. Rude, demanding, loud, unless I was asleep. Good thing I was cute. Good thing all babies are cute.

As I grew older my mom tried to teach me manners, but it's a hard concept for little kids to grasp.

One day in class I saw some art -- a poster or something -- of a Persian magician on a magic carpet. In my memory (always suspect, I grant you) he looked a lot like Fariik the Magician from Hanna-Barbera's Arabian Knights.


He was floating along under a sign that said "The Magic Words," and other carpets floating nearby had words written on them: "Please," "Thank You," "You're Welcome," "May I," and the like. 

Then it finally clicked: Words have power. 

When I used these words, suddenly the adults in my life were happier, more willing to fulfill my requests. It was magic.

From that day to this I have tried to be polite. My mother probably didn't know what had happened to her kid.

I mention all this because it's the third Sunday in Lent. I've heard from some folks recently who consider themselves "spiritual" rather than "religious." I'm willing to accept that an amorphous spirituality is better than nothing. However, I feel sad that they feel spirituality and religion are different. If my religion is divided from spirituality, then I'm doing my religion wrong. 

And that gets to the mumbo-jumbo. Catholics have always gotten the sneer for the blah blah blah of the Mass, the endless words, the Latin (not so much that anymore), the rote prayers, the smells & bells, and so on, mainly from Protestants who seem to think that words used in the Mass are unimportant. I can understand that. After all, Jesus warns us in Matthew (6:7) "do not babble like the pagans, who think that they will be heard because of their many words." We believe that's not what's going on in the Mass, though, especially during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. Every word is important, is for our benefit. 

I may not feel that way if I'm impatient to get to brunch. That's my failing.

Were I to hear the Mass in Latin or any other foreign language, I am sure it would sound like gobbledygook to me. But language is language; to use the Cartesian definition, Man is "the animal that talks." (And sometimes "the animal that won't shut up.") Language inspires us to love, as in sweet nothings, love letters, words of love. Or the opposite, as in fightin' words. Words can be meaningless, but only if babbled meaninglessly, or spat out Lorem ipsum style by a machine. Words are important. And thus are the words in the Mass, and thus is the Mass. At least that's my take.

As for the smells & bells -- who doesn't like incense and church bells? Smellin' great, soundin' great. No problem there.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Lid, flipped.

I admit it -- I'm a straight white male and I like yogurt. There, I said it.

One thing that irks me about store-bought brands of yogurt is that so many of them are trying to sell me a lifestyle, to get me committed to their brand-centric vision of life, like I'm joining a club or cult or something. Hey, Jimmy Promotions, I'm not trying to become a Mason; I just want breakfast.

This kind of thing may work better for the target audience -- hello, ladies! Women more often state a desire for community and sisterhood when marketers ask nosy questions. Men more often profess an interest in solitude and shotguns. They may be saying that to get the marketers to leave them alone.

Regardless who you are, you sit down for a yogurt, peel off the lid, and suddenly you're swept into some clown's idea of a positive group affirmation -- this from Yoplait's Frenchy Oui yogurt:


Yoplait wants me to dance in the mirror. Hell, NOplait. Are you kidding? I'm trying to eat, not ruin my appetite.


Here, Two Good from Dannon's Light & Fit line is trying to persuade me that the yogurt I already bought will improve my mood, even though the lack of sweetness and flavor in this diet yogurt is bringing me down already. Stop selling; you got my money.


Sorry about the lame picture -- Liberté yogurt from Canada is reassuring me that their vanilla is from Madagascar, telling me something interesting about Madagascar, because I'm a smart consumer that wants to know where my vanilla beans come from and wants to know some interesting facts about the place. Look: Before I finish my first cup of coffee I'm a drooling moron, Liberté, and I'm not so sure about after. Thought you should know that.


The most irritating I've found are these YQ lids from Yoplait's high-protein low-sugar line. They all have snotty little sayings that remind people why nerds got swirlies. "hiYQ" indeed.

These make me miss the cereal boxes we read as youths while scoffing Sugar Frosted Lumps O' Sugar or other highly nutritious brands. At least they were supposed to be fun, not smug. Smugness is unattractive, no matter who you are.

So, as a public service to our yogurt companies, I've written up a few yogurt lids I think people would find more intriguing and enjoyable, things that would make them want to buy rather than spurn these brands. Don't thank me, yogurt people; just send money.


Pretty great, huh? No? Well, they're better than the real thing.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Don't cotton to 'em.

Have you tried these?



Cotton Candy grapes, they're called, and as with the Honeycrisp apple, that's a trademarked name. And for the same reason. They were created not through genetic modification, unless you consider good ol' crossbreeding to be a form of that; first used in commerce in 2010, the trademark "Cotton Candy" for grapes is owned by International Fruit Genetics, in California.

The ones I bought were grown in Chile, where they seem to have a wonderful climate for table grapes and, indeed, some say their wines are pretty awesome too. So I do not blame the great nation of Chile when I say I just didn't care for these much.

The Cotton Candy grape is said to have a "toffee/caramel" flavor, and I definitely picked up on a syrupy sweetness. But they are also melony, like a cantaloupe; their frutiness is like that of wine, I find, not like green table grapes. There's a kind of mustiness to them, like you'd find in an old house, although they have a more typical grape finish.

It's weird, I tell ya, weird.

Some people do think they taste "exactly like cotton candy". These people are wrong. I have had more genuine scooped-out-of-the-machine cotton candy than most people get in these days of the bagged stuff, and I'm telling you, you may love the Cotton Candy grapes, but that's not cotton candy. Or candy floss (for our British friends).

I'd like to know if you've tried these and what your take is. My wife liked them more than I did; she was the one who identified the cantaloupishness of them. It was an interesting experience. But at $5.99 a pound, not one likely to be repeated soon.

IFG does have a large list of trademarked grapes with some very odd names. I'm not keen on trying them all, but if I find any Jack's Salute I will probably break down. Kinda want to know what Jack was so happy about.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Dog chart.

I'd just about had enough of the dogs barking out the window, especially wee dog Nipper. Ever since he got tall enough to put his chin on the windowsill he's been sticking his head through the curtains and letting fly at random times of day. Once he got his Big Boy Bark, which makes him sound like a Rottweiler whose wife left him for a Chihuahua and who's looking to kick somebody's behind, he's decided to be the Early Alert System for the whole block. Half the time when I look outside there's nothing there.

We can't have this behavior. Sometimes my wife is here, having a remote meeting, and nothing breaks the spell of professionalism like a dog barking in the background. (Well, unless your profession is police dog trainer.) So I sat down with the boys for a little confab about this barking business and how to get it under control.

They wanted to give me some data, to help explain what they are barking at. 


They reminded me that their superpowered noses and ears allow them to pick up evidence of foul miscreants even when none are visible.

I wanted to know about the squirrel situation. I was assured that, reputations to the contrary, it is their position that squirrels seldom rise to the level of barking. "Just stupid" was the term used to describe said critters.

I don't think these data really help, but perhaps it's a beginning. The more you analyze a problem, the more approaches open up toward resolving it. Or not.

Anyone know where I can buy cat repellent?

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Problem resolved.

So yesterday I reported problems with my laptop that prevented a real entry, and I believe they have been resolved. Any errors you spot here today are the fault of the proprietor.

My laptop is almost six years old, so you can probably guess the issue. Yep: hamster died.

laptop
It was sad.
I suppose it's time for a new machine, but I have to say, this is the first time I've ever had a problem, and it really was not a big deal. It's an Acer, and it's not Acer's fault I don't clean off the crap once in a while, or stop two rival antivirus programs from running at the same time. Can laptops get autoimmune diseases?

I think back to the first laptop I ever operated, an IBM that was thrust into my hands in a meeting by an executive I didn't know who thought I would be able to operate it because I was a youth. He was mistaken. It had one of those TrackPoint mice (mouses?) and I couldn't work it to save my life. The reason I bring it up is this: That laptop was probably new at the time, and there's no way it was able to handle the software that was to come within the next five years. I venture to say that no one ever expected to get five years out of a computer in those heady days.

I wonder why there seems to be more longevity in computers now. Did we hit a good combo of speed, memory, and price that made further obsolescence-causing upgrades unprofitable? Does the average consumer not need anything more expensive, because a cheap machine can handle all the bells and/or whistles one could want? Or was compatibility with storage media the main reason for upgrades leading to obsolescence, a problem that barely exists for the home user now? I wonder. If you have information on this, let me know; use small words and as little jargon as possible. Too much computerese sounds like Wizard talk to me.



Anyway, if I perform routine maintenance I could probably get another five years out of my Acer. Unless I drop it. But I'll probably get a new one this year anyway. It's for the same reason I don't finish the basement -- because I want someplace to stick the old stuff so that I don't have to look at it.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Techikle porblems.

Having issues with the laptop today (posting from the phone). Hope to get it resolved soon. Blarg.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Irishmen: Sober as judges?

Well, here it is, Patty's Day again, and toime to go get likkered up at Ye Olde Pubbe, dance some jigs, and start a donnybook! Wee hoo!

I know a lot of people who are happy to blame their drinking on Irishness, and at any time of year, not just St. Patrick's Day. I also know a lot of people who have stopped drinking who blame their former drinking on Irishness (sometimes Catholicism too, as if the pope forced them to drink). But do the Irish really drink more than other people? Or are the Irish actually sober as judges?


After all, ask any Irishman in New York and he'll tell you that this drunk thing is a slander on the Irish by the English. Note that these are some of the same Irishmen who blame their drinking on being Irish. But let's give it the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

Toby Young, British educator, journalist, sometime politician, and spectacularly failed magazine editor and scriptwriter, once said that "The English drink as if they do not want to live." Perhaps then the English are just projecting their own flaws upon their beleaguered island neighbors?

And what about the French? I edited a French cookbook recently, and apparently they put booze in everything. They will not make a simple side dish of rice without squeezing wine into it. They probably rub framboise in their scalps as a dandruff cure. They can't sneeze without selecting a nice Burgundy to go with it. Are they worse drunks than the Irish?

And don't forget the Scandinavians. They have had the toughest drunk driving laws in the world for a long time because they couldn't stop themselves from flying off the fjords in their Saabs without the force of law. A Norseman of my acquaintance once told me, "Norwegians drink just as much as the Irish, but people don't know it because we don't sing."

But none of this disproves the unspoken assumption that the Irish are the biggest drunks in the world. We need data.

According to World Atlas -- which may not be the most accurate but they seem to use good info -- Belarus is far and away tops in per capita adult alcohol consumption, with the adults of this Eastern European nation each consuming a quite-literally-staggering 17.5 liters of pure alcohol per year. At standard 80 proof (40% alcohol) for the liquor, that means every man and woman is drinking the equivalent of about 44 liters of vodka per year, or more than 11.5 gallons. That's a lot of booze. The first runner-up is Moldova, at 16.8 liters; in fact, with the exception of tiny Andorra (#7), the top ten per capita alcohol consuming nations are all Eastern European countries. Ireland makes the list at #21, in a virtual tie with Luxembourg, and Great Britain is at #25. France (#18) does beat Ireland and Great Britain; the United States isn't in the top 25. We try, but I think the Mormons and Baptists hold us back.

I doubt this will change any of the revelry going on today, but for future reference, if anyone blames his drinking on his heritage, ask if they are Belarusian. We should thus do our most outrageous drinking on St. Euphrosyne's day. St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk is the patron saint of Belarus and her feast day is May 23. She doesn't look like someone who would approve of such shenanigans, though.



Still, if you want to get faced on May 23, just tell everyone you're celebrating St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk and your Belarusian heritage. When they point out (probably with justice) that you are not Belarusian, tell them, "Everyone is Belarusian on St. Euphrosyne of Polotsk's Day!"

Just don't confuse her with St. Euphrosyne of Alexandria, whose feast day is September 25. Getting drunk for no reason on September 25 would be embarrassing.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Aspirin soda.

Coca-Cola has come out with very odd new flavor of cola -- orange vanilla. It can be found in the regular soda and Coke Zero Sugar lines. 


I've reviewed some of Coke's flavoriffic expeditions into the unknown before, and have yet to find anything that seems like a New Coke-style problem that could rattle the company. Let me say up front that this attempt at the Coke Creamsicle also does not rise to that kind of trouble. However, I have to tell you it is pretty weird.

Why? Because on the first taste of Coke Zero Sugar Orange Vanilla I said "St. Joseph Aspirin." My wife tried some and said the same thing.



You kids today with your Reye syndrome probably have never tried St. Joseph Aspirin, but I guess we were the last generation that did. Reye syndrome, which can strike youngsters who have viral infections if they take aspirin, is quite rare but very dangerous, which is why the phrase "children's aspirin" is now pretty much an oxymoron. But before 1986 it was not. Aspirin was commonly given to children as it was to adults, and for the same reason -- it is an excellent medication, a fever buster, an anti-inflammatory, a painkiller, really a miracle drug whose deadly downside was not known for a long time. 

One of the problems with aspirin, though, is that it tastes terrible, and the genius of Plough, the company that bought the flailing St. Joseph brand in 1920, was to make a chewable aspirin that children would like. The orange flavor, introduced in 1947, was a success. Between St. Joseph Aspirin and cherry Sucrets, I didn't mind getting sick that much at all when I was a kid. Which is part of the terrible problem the brand had over the years -- kids wanting to eat aspirin like candy. Before Reye syndrome was known and aspirin was regarded as unsafe for children, "candy" aspirin was killing children who got hold of the stuff. (For the grim details, check out this article in Penn Today.)

Anyway, St. Joseph orange chewable aspirin is still around, having been reintroduced in 1993 as a low-dose aspirin for heart patients whose doctors recommend one 81 mg aspirin daily to prevent blood clots -- or, as our friend Stiiv mentioned recently, the kind to take before looking at hawt pics of Lynda Carter. In other words, the same Baby Boomers who took St. Joseph Aspirin in childhood now take it again. 

I am not a heart patient, at least not yet, and I had to wonder if my memory was accurate. Does St. Joseph chewable aspirin taste like Coke Orange Vanilla? 

I got a bottle of the aspirin at the supermarket and prepared to go mano-a-mano, taste bud to taste bud, to find out. Which I then did.


And the answer is... I'm not sure. 

I think they changed the flavor of the St. Joseph Aspirin, to tell you the truth; it seems to have gotten a bit more of a candyish boost, making its taste closer to the orange Tic Tac. So in a way the new Coke flavor tastes more like the medicine of my childhood than the modern adult version of that same medicine. But I admit it's been a long time, and memory is notoriously unreliable. 

Ultimately I think the flavor is a failure, as the orange and vanilla don't work as well with the cola as I would like. Orange + vanilla = good, vanilla + cola = good, orange + cola = bleah. No one ever mixed Coke with Tang, and I suspect no one ever asked for Diet Coke with a twist of orange. It's strange, but not good strange or even bad strange, just meh strange. Unusual for strange = just okay.

But for the blast of nostalgia, recapturing a flavor that may not quite exist anywhere anymore, I am grateful for the Coca-Cola company's effort. 

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Celebrate Pi Fraction of a Second.

Continuing the theme of "holidays" from yesterday...

Today is Pi Day, the day we celebrate pi. Yes, it's March 14, or 3.14, the first three digits of pi.

If you really want to celebrate it at the moment, you should have blown a horn or rung a bell at 1:59:26 this morning. Too late!



When the news services say we're going to celebrate Pi Day, they out to put "celebrate" in quotes. I suppose it will be mentioned in schools, but "celebrate" seems a little... I mean, it's like throwing a party because water is wet. Except if all the water were anything but wet we would have a problem. If pi were a little different, would that change anything?

It is kind of interesting to wonder if pi could be anything other than what it is. Pi is an irrational number, a characteristic it shares with many people I know, and therefore even in different bases it will always be an infinite number -- unless it's in an irrational base, and even then it might be. But that's getting silly. Two irrationals don't make a right, though, although three left turns do.

Either way, pi is the number that we need to calculate the circumference of a circle, and to get anything other than that as pi we would need God to redefine the circle. A friend of mine who worked with little kids says that was the end of the line when kids would get on the "Why" train. ("Why is the sky blue?" "Because molecules of air split the light like a prism, and blue is the visible color." "But why blue and not red?" "Because of the wavelength of blue light." "But why does that make blue appear?" "Because blue is shorter and more scattered." "Why is blue shorter?" Repeat until you get to "Because God made it that way.") In other words, kids help illustrate that no matter how much you know, you eventually run into the end of your knowledge; and even if you knew everything, you'd wind up at the Unmoved Mover.

One more thought on this jolly holiday: I'd often heard the term "squaring the circle" to refer to that which cannot be done. Well, what does it mean to square the circle? And why not? I'm gonna do it!

Well, it turns out that squaring the circle means "constructing a square with the same area as a given circle by using only a finite number of steps with compass and straightedge," according to Wikipedia, and "The transcendence of π implies the impossibility of exactly 'circling' the square, as well as of squaring the circle." So we either leave it there or we get back on the "Why" train.

Personally, I'm celebrating Pi Day by being glad I don't have to pass math tests anymore. Yay!

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Adam's jewels.

Today is supposedly Jewel Day, according to the Holiday Insights page, and they ought to know. "Jewel Day is your chance to give or receive jewelry. Will you receive jewelry today? Who knows? But one thing we can be certain about ....... jewelry stores love this holiday." Sure, if anyone had ever heard of it.

I suppose if you boys blew it on Valentine's Day, you can try to make up for it now. Tell the jeweler down the block that you want to celebrate National Jewel Day. He'll smile and be happy to show you things to buy, although he may suspect you're a little crazy.

I once heard a geologist being interviewed on a podcast -- it was not typical; I don't go around hunting interviews with geologists. I always did find the subject interesting. In college my Rocks, Gems, and Minerals class, or "Rocks for Jocks," did fill an emergency three-science-credit hole in my transcript that I needed for graduation. (You didn't need to be a jock to take the class, as you probably guessed since I was allowed to take it.) We certainly studied gems and their formation, although we never got our hands on any.

Pity, that.


Anyway, I believe the geologist I heard interviewed may have been Professor Ian Plimer of Australia, and if it was he then I heard him because he was being interviewed about his very important book. What I remember most is his excellent Biblical observation. It went something like this:

While there are a couple of descriptions of the creation of humanity in the book of Genesis, we're concerned with the most famous one, in chapter 2. In verse 7, "the LORD God formed the man out of the dust of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being." But he doesn't create the woman yet. In verse 8 God plants the Garden of Eden; but it's when we get to verses 10 to 12 that we're getting somewhere, mineralologically speaking:

10 A river rises in Eden to water the garden; beyond there it divides and becomes four branches.
11 The name of the first is the Pishon; it is the one that winds through the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold.
12 The gold of that land is good; bdellium and lapis lazuli are also there.

God does not make Woman until verse 22. You see why? Because he knew Man would need gold, and gems, and perfume in order to get Woman to overlook his flaws and think well of him.

See? Man abides, God provides. Pray for diamonds but hoist the pick.

Better get out to those big National Jewel Day sales, boys.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Beasts are bestial.

A buddy of mine took his family to the city to see the Broadway musical King Kong. It came as a surprise to me that there even was a musical based on the classic 1933 film. That almost sounds like an old MAD magazine parody of the current vogue for adapting dopey movies into Broadway shows (Legally Blonde, Elf, Hairspray, School of Rock, Rocky, Mean Girls, and so on).

The songs would seem to write themselves: "Skull Island Girl," "Gorilla My Dreams, It's You," "Oe'r the Rampage We Watched," "Take the El Train," "Shock the Huge Monkey," "There's a Broken Bone for Every Light on Broadway," "I'm on an Empire State of Building," and so on.

But sadly, they seem to have taken the idea seriously, with musical numbers like "Kong's Capture" and "Broadway Nightmare" (the latter of which sounds like me having to pay for show tickets).

To be fair, my buddy and his family enjoyed the show, calling it brisk and exciting, with amazing puppet work and other special effects to bring the big hairy title star to life. Hey, spectacle sells, which is kind of the whole point of the original movie -- bringing back the world's most amazing mammal to show him off to the New York crowds.

However, I take issue with the way the play sells itself in its PR materials:

"To her surprise, Ann finds an unexpected kindred spirit in this magnificent, untameable creature. But when Carl hatches a plan to capture Kong and display him to the New York masses, she’s faced with a terrible choice. Will Ann follow the call of her own ambition? Or can she find the strength to stand up for what’s right? Roaring with heart-pounding action, KING KONG is a gripping and spectacular story of unlikely friendship, unshakable courage, and breaking free from the cages others put us in."

So a monstrous, gigantic monkey with poor anger management skills is exactly the same as some guy whose dad wanted him to join the accounting firm or some teen girl whose mom didn't want her to get nose ring.

Kong, having broken free from the cages other put him in.
I know it wasn't Kong's fault that he was brought to the city; unlike Godzilla, he didn't up and decide to go to town one day. But according to the well-researched Killcounts page, King Kong kills 49 human beings in the original movie. White, black, native, urbanite, pagan, Jew, doesn't matter, Kong kills them all. If this is the guy Ann feels simpatico with, I'm never taking her out to lunch. "I eat soup with my hands! You can't keep me in your cage!"

I guess what irks me the most is that this sympathy and sentimentalism for wild animals has really reached a fever pitch. Not that I think we ought to shoot 'em, but I think we ought to realize that they are just fine with killing us, and we should not get too attached. That's how people wind up getting mauled by bears or jumping into jaguar pens. You may make pals with a pack of wolves or a grizzly bear, but try that when they're hungry or defending their turf and see how far you get.

And definitely don't try it with King Kong. He didn't get to be king by holding elections.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Sweet eats.

I'm trying to give up sweets this Lent, except for an upcoming birthday party for which Pope Me has already given dispensation. Still, that's going to mean an unusually long time for me to go without sugar. Can I survive without this key food group?

Meanwhile, though, I can live on the ghost of sugars past, like:


I've ridden Oreos' case for their weird varieties in recent times, such as the Peeps Oreo and the Pop Rocks Oreo. But Pistachio?

Yep -- and although this photo doesn't show it too well, the filling is green.


I expected to dislike the Pistachio Oreo Thin and revolt against its nuttiness, but I was wrong. It's delicious. Chocolate and nuts are a great combo, although one sees the pistachio/chocolate duet far less often than, say, almond/chocolate. My wife was not so enthused about it, but I say, if you like Oreos and pistachios, you'll probably like these.

On the topic of Peeps, though: With Easter coming, the folks at Just Born continue to surprise us with new variations on the Peep theme:



The Orange Sherbet Peep (I always wants to spell "sherbet" as "sherbert") is an interesting take. The orange flavor is pleasant, not forceful like the "fruit" flavors of a Jolly Rancher. The marshmallow candy is usually improved by dipping in chocolate, which adds depth and texture; here they've used "crème flavored fudge," which is not just a sweet hit like white chocolate, but more milky. Really makes it a Creamsicle Peep. Good job, Peeps people.

Getting back to Oreos for a moment: One of the more successful Oreo types I reviewed in 2017 was the Dunkin' Donuts Mocha, and I mention that now because A) the spreading of the Dunkin' Donuts brand continues and B) they are clearly still determined to drop the Donuts from the name.



Yoplait released these four Dunkin' Donuts-inspired flavors, and I as much as I hate to keep on this positive note today, these are pretty good too. The French Vanilla Latte is excellent if you're a fan of coffee yogurts; the Apple Fritter has a strong and tasty apple flavor, like the classic Dannon Dutch Apple back in le jour. The Cinnamon Coffee Roll is flat-out cinnamon and nothing wrong with that. The Boston Cream may be the least successful, first because chocolate is not a great blend with yogurt, and second because the subtle flavor of Boston cream is lost in translation. Still good, though.

Anyway, if you want mild disappointment, I always say you can't beat a McDonald's shake. And now is the time of year to join Uncle O'Grimacey for a Shamrock Shake. 


Still minty. Still greener than the inside of a Pistachio Oreo Thin. McDonald shakes are okay if you're really jonesing for a shake, but there's very little ice cream texture or flavor to one; really, they're so marshmallowy they should work with Just Born on a line of Peeps shakes.

So that's my tour de sweets for now; although our Lenten sacrifices are not supposed to be for selfish reasons, I wouldn't mind if my pants fit better by Easter. I hope Pope Me won't mind.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Spaghetti Western?

Here's a mystery that needs solving: What happened to all the wagon wheels?

When I was a kid it seemed like every pasta dish that did not require spaghetti was made with wagon wheel pasta. It was everywhere. Also, we called pasta "macaroni." Everyone did, even the Italian families.

Now you can barely find wagon wheel pasta anywhere. Neither the two local supermarkets nor the nearest Walmart have them (of course Target's grocery section is useless). What happened to the wheels?

Last year the Daily Meal site presented what it called the "Ultimate Guide to Pasta Shapes" -- guess what was left out?

Wagon wheels.



A few brands make them, but they're hard to find. Da Vinci pasta has them, but none of my local stores carry the brand. Italian brands Barilla and De Cecco have them, which I tracked down after some effort; Barilla's is only a mini version, preferable for soups and side dishes, but De Cecco's is the real deal, good for mac & cheese. I got the De Cecco in my local Italian deli. It was the only box they had.



You see that wagon wheel pasta is known in Italy as Rotelle, but the ding-dongs at Ronzoni, once New York's hometown pasta (but no more), use the name "Rotelle" for corkscrew pasta. Even Wikipedia pokes them for that:

"Rotelle should not be confused with rotini
(corkscrew-shaped pasta). Nonetheless, some manufacturers,
such as Ronzoni, produce a twisted pasta with that name."
The Italian word rotelle means wheels, Ronzoni. Smarten up.

I have a theory about the decline and fall of rotelle: it's linked to the fall of the Western as entertainment.

I'm serious. In the fifties and sixties, kids grew up with Westerns all over the TV -- in 1957 the three television networks aired 17 Westerns in prime-time; 18 if you count Micky Dolenz's show Circus Boy. Twenty years later there were three. Ten years after that it was "What's a Western?" As the Western faded in popularity, so did things like Western kitsch in home decoration, and so did the ability of wagon wheel pasta to get kids to eat. Sure, Western movies occasionally get made, but they're far different from what we once knew, and are either horribly violent, anti-American, or most often both. Not for kids. Not the kind of thing that moves the macaroni.

So I suppose the blasta from the pasta that is the wagon wheel will remain hard to find. It is a shame, because it makes an excellent macaroni and cheese.

(P.S.: Here's one for the weird time files; on the show Circus Boy (1956-1958), Micky Dolenz played Corky, a kid in the late 1890s who travels with a circus. Dolenz was 11 when the show started and is 74 now, which means that he's almost the age Corky would have been when The Monkees first aired. Old Man Corky could have watched Micky on The Monkees. Mind = blown.)

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Valentine's Day... in March!

Okay, not really, but here's some candy for you.


Actually, I bought these after Valentine's in a post-Valentine's Day sale (25 cents for the box) after I got my driving privileges back following my concussion. I didn't buy them because I was so hungry for sugar. No, it was because this was the first time in 118 years that Necco was not doing the Conversation Hearts.

Necco, the storied candy manufacturer that was founded in 1901, gave up the ghost last July when it closed its doors and sold off its operations. The company, known originally the New England Confectionery Company, had been making heart-shaped candies with little sayings on them from 1901 to 2018. This was the only year in living memory that we've been heartless.

Or we would have been, but cheap candy magnate Brach's picked up the slack with these Tiny Conversation Hearts. A quick search of the U.S. Trademark Office database shows no trademark, live or dead, for "Conversation Hearts," and this late in the game it would be tough to show Brach's was stealing a unique idea of value. Anyway, lovebirds who wanted to share nearly flavorless romantic candy had someplace to go, so it was kind of a public service. Maybe Brach's has been making them for years in competition with Necco. I have no idea. I've been off the dating circuit for a while.

Brach's calls them Tiny Conversation Hearts, but are they really? Well, here they are next to a pencil.


Kinda small. Smaller than Necco's? I don't know.

We should be able to do a coronary candy competition next year, though. Spangler, the company that makes approximately a kabillion candy canes every Christmas (seriously, 2.7 million a day!), bought the rights to most of Necco's headliner candies, including Necco Wafers, Canada Mints, and Sweetheart Conversation Hearts. They've as much as promised a return of these old-time sweets in 2020. So there's something.

We can buy a box of each and have a heart-to-heart. If we remember to do it. Meh. The candies are kind of dull. Brach's taste kind of like miscellaneous fruit. It's hard at my age to get worked up about it.

I'm blasé about the whole thing. Maybe I need a hug. Can I buy a box with just the "Hug Me" hearts in it?

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Snow sky.

Before I went on my anti-winter, anti-ice screed last week I mentioned that winter in the north does have some peculiar qualities that make it quite fascinating. These are things I have come to admire more since we started collecting dogs, since my previous opinion of the outdoors was as "a place to be between being indoors" and "the locale of interminable chores." You wind up spending a lot more time outside with dogs.

One of the things I've always been in awe of is the snow sky -- when it's snowing, or about to be, the sky is overall lit up in white, almost bright as day. It's a cool sort of brightness, unlike sunshine, and since it seems to come from everywhere, shadows are not pronounced.

I was not able to get a good picture during our last snowstorm...



You can get some idea of the scene early the next morning, but the sun was coming up:


I used to think it was diffused moonlight, but apparently it's the same whether there's a full moon or no moon. Apparently it is an effect of skyglow, a term I had not previously heard. Skyglow sounds like a photon-powered superheroine from the seventies, or Twilight fan fiction, or possibly a roller disco, or maybe the worst James Bond movie ever.

Here's Dr. Wikipedia on the subject:

Skyglow (or sky glow) is the diffuse luminance of the night sky, apart from discrete light sources such as the Moon and visible individual stars. It is a commonly noticed aspect of light pollution.... Skyglow is significantly amplified by the presence of snow, and within and near urban areas when clouds are present. In remote areas snow brightens the sky, but clouds make the sky darker.

This would seem to indicate that the snow sky I describe was unknown before electrification. Funny that I seldom noted it while living in the city, but here in the burbs, where there's a lot less public light, I see it often. Also, dogs.

However, the snow sky may be less related to electrification of cities than the above article would make us think. Sky & Telescope, a publication about astronomy, notes:

Even a completely unpolluted sky is surprisingly bright, illuminating the ground enough for you to walk quite confidently through an open field. More than 90% of natural skyglow comes from three sources: the zodiacal light, upper-atmosphere airglow, and starlight.

And:

Fresh snow increases skyglow several-fold. You can even see this effect during broad daylight. Although the air is often very clear right after a storm, the sky is visibly whiter than usual because of all the sunlight reflected back into the sky. Artificial skyglow at night decreases rapidly as snow is cleared out of parking lots and from underneath streetlights, and then continues to decline more slowly as the snow becomes dirty.

It's a pretty wild effect anyway. I find when I'm outside at night and it's snowing and the sky is white with a mellow glow, it's almost cozy. It is cold and wet by definition, but there's a blanket above as well as a blanket below. It is something I would miss about winter if I ever smarten up and move south.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Dust to dust.

The two main questions Catholics have about Ash Wednesday tend to be "When can I get ashes?" and "How soon can I get rid of them?"

Not, oddly enough, "Is Ash Wednesday a holy day of obligation?" (It isn't.)

The questions are strange, the equivalent of "When can I come get something free and how fast can I dump it?"

In the past I've made fun of Catholics who take this attitude. And I am currently doing so and probably will in the future. But it doesn't mean I don't understand the attitude and even the decency that underlies the thinking.

There are a few ways to look at this. As Catholics we are taught that at least you ought to come to church to participate in the Day of Ashes, getting ashes in the shape of a cross, for the reminder of our mortality (ash) and that we belong to Jesus (in the shape of a cross). Both of these things are good for humility and for hope.

After getting them some Catholics can't wait to get rid of them. Maybe they're embarrassed, or maybe they don't want people to think they are showing off like the hypocrites in Matthew 6:5: "When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward." So there are good reasons behind the seemingly contradictory actions of Catholics on this day. (For the record, the church usually encourages parishioners to keep the ashes on as a reminder to those we encounter that it is now Lent. I have a tendency to pull my cap down low, though....)

We're also encouraged to stick around for Mass on Ash Wednesday, although it is not an obligation, and Wednesday's a work day and all...

It's nice that churches even give out ashes without the obligation to attend Mass. It's hard enough to get people to go to the six non-Sunday days of obligation. In the Archdiocese of New York those are New Year's (Solemnity of Mary), Ascension Thursday, Assumption of Mary, All Saints' Day, the Immaculate Conception, and Christmas.

I'm writing this on Tuesday evening, and our plan is to go to church at six a.m. tomorrow for the distribution of ashes. Then I plan to go to work and try to not think about food until dinnertime. Okay, I'll check in following the six a.m. ash splotching.

(Music of time passing....)
Here we are back home on Ash Wednesday at 6:45 a.m. We got there at 6:13. The pastor told us that when he came to open the church there'd been about 25 people waiting. And then a fistfight broke out -- nah, just kidding.

I've been to Ash Wednesday distributions several times when I worked in Midtown Manhattan, and it was like an assembly line of repentance. I'd just walk into whichever church it was and get on the first line I saw, often running out into the vestibule, and come out covered in ashes. (Some ministers really like to splorch ya, especially with the grand mural my forehead presents.) Today we actually had time for a little reading from the book of Joel:

Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the LORD, your God,
For he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love,
and relenting in punishment.

followed by some prayers before receiving ashes. It was good.

So we're off on this journey of Lent, and I wish you all good graces. And if you're getting ashes today, I hope you get a tasteful little cross and not a big ol' splorch. It gets on your nose.